The sun and the sea’s
romance
began with a kiss
Soon
the sun sprawls over
the sea
It is gladly accepted
I cannot accept it so well
The waves crashed against the shore in brilliant orange bursts, the sun no longer blocked by the tables’ umbrellas.  I sighed when I realized that this was my last sunset in Tanzania, and for the fifth time in my life, I wanted to run away. Run away from leaving a place I had grown so accustomed to. As my face burned, and my mind drifted back to memories.
I remembered my face burning as I waited for a boat to arrive. All 46 of us, ages 11-17, waiting for the boat to take us to Bongoyo Island. After planning this outing for months, and it was finally upon us. My face burned, but it was a welcome discomfort. The beach was waiting.
I remembered my face burning as Fatima and Abiali kissed in front of us. Awkward. Everyone felt weird too. The sunset drove orange all around us, the pizza’s smell wafting through the air, and awkward tension stiff between us.
I don’t want to leave this place.

Maybe
I don’t love the sun enough
Maybe
I can’t shift like the sea
Is loving the sun
and shifting like the sea
too much?

Sunsets are only ever so long, but the can last forever. Change, movement, is like a sunset. This period of life dying, but I feel like the night will kill me before dawn.  Memories flushed back.
“Shuhei!” the wind is too strong, and my pleas are lost in it. “get away from the cliff, it’s dangerous!” I scream.
“Ha! Take a risk!” He laughs. “Really, it’s not that far down.” Shuhei has always pushed me to do things I wouldn’t do on my own.
“The rocks, you’d die!” I see Polina and Noah go closer to the edge near Shuhei. I am reluctant, but I walk closer despite the danger. My stance is unsteady, and I feel the rock crumble beneath me. I slowly got more comfortable.
It was a quick motion of the hand, and a cigarette was in Shuhei’s mouth, the end about to light.
“Shuhei, what are you--”
“Caleb. Seriously, take some risks sometimes.”  His words mumbled by the paper in his mouth. Maybe some risks aren’t worth taking.
Can rays of sun
be likened unto change?
Or waves unto time?
Maybe
one is not without the other
Maybe
they are only what they are
together?
I’m trapped, there is no escape now. The sun is setting. The sun is hot, even in the evening, and I feel my wet cheeks burn, deeply.
I remembered my first scuba dive. I was really heating up in my wet suit, and I was relieved when I finally got in the clear water. Shuhei, Polina and Noah float on the surface with me. “Ready to go?” Polina asks. We all nod, and we descend slowly.
The reef below comes closer, and fades into view. It glows with multicolor glory. We all swim through rays of sun, split by waves, and falling onto our backs. I love the ocean, it is my home. We cruise the soft reef. Shuhei coughs a rough, throat ripping cough. He’s been smoking again.
This change was coming fast, and I couldn’t do anything, it was ultimately inevitable. I never saw my friends again. How would I live without them?
The sun sinks into a deeper
embrace
The sea loving it,
with beauty
Maybe
if the sun’s love
is as natural as the sea’s shift
then my change should be
as natural
as time?
Maybe I should not resist. I should just let it happen as naturally as possible.
Last time I did this was three years ago. Sixth grade was not friendly to me. I was bullied, made fun of, dumb.
The F-word introduced to me by my best friend. Or at least the best out of the rest. “Why are you so f------ stupid, Damn.”
“You don’t like football? Do you even have b*lls?” Does liking football give me b*lls? Do balls measure my strength? I thought my manliness was my bravery, my determination, my kindness.
“How did you even get accepted into this school, you’re a ret***.” the girl I liked.
I missed my friends from my last home, Dublin, and I just wanted to go back. I was un-athletic, and hated soccer, obviously a mistake. I was also white, another mistake. I was everyone’s emotional punching bag. I stopped going to school. I was sick one day, then another and another. I decided to homeschool. I could never forget what they did to me.
I never want that to happen again. I was not going to hold onto the past, it will be no comfort. Why do I have to leave, I don’t ever want to leave, but so is the curse of third culture.
Maybe
the sun is will be gone
in the sea
Then too
change shall die in time
This is my last
hope
because if this change
won’t kill me
why not
try?
I was going to get hurt, but I’m not sure what I am so afraid of. It will not kill me if I don’t let it. I should learn from mistakes made, I should open up to new friends.
My mind trekked back to reality. My parents paid the bill, and everyone stood up. We had to get to the airport soon to start what would be a three day journey. The waves grow darker, light dying, and they beat the shore, drowning. They envelop the shore in an oncoming storm of tide, devouring the sand. Their slow beat erasing pains written in sand, and wearing out stones that burden the beach. I  left.

Maybe
The sun is gone
but it’s light shimmers
across the sea.
Maybe.
it’s time to follow the sun.
but I am still
afraid
Maybe
I won’t survive
the night
But I wait
for dawn
Maybe
it comes soon.