Dear mom,

Here’s how I feel
With all these emotions I don’t even know how I deal
I guess because I just let everything go
Set it aside
Keep it out of my mind
But my feelings are going to be let lose this time
And I’m going to speak my mind
Because this is something that I need to do
This is my next move
“The move”
Because I need change
Because we need change
And we still need the distance in-between us
So we can rearrange our lives to where we are able to abstain ourselves without each other
Everything that we are going through isn’t sane
And I no longer have the patience or tolerance to put up with it
I can’t take the confusion
Frustration
Wondering if you really want me here or not
I personally don’t even care anymore
Yawl can be a perfect family of four
You send me off as punishment to try to get me to see reality
And get a taste of the real world, to show me that everything isn’t what it is cracked up to be
Well I’ve seen it
Breathed it
Lived it
All to an extent of course
And the reality of that is the fact it is hard
I know it isn’t easy
But see you act is if that’s what I’m trying to be
As if I have no dreams or aspirations to be somebody
Well I do have dreams to be someone some day
I aspire to be someone I’m proud of
I will do and be me
I will succeed
Whether you believe it or not
Because I don’t know what you think
I only hear what you speak
And in all honesty
I could careless with what you say
It goes in one ear and out the door
Your words have no meaning to me anymore
Yes it has gotten to that extent
I just can’t take it
Everything just feels fake
All pretend
Not real
We try to make things work
We have this built up idea of things
It’s a great idea
But the remains of reality are still in effect
And reality is things aren’t going to change
Now don’t confuse this with hate
Because it isn’t far from it
It’s just that everything you say comes out and it means nothing to me
Not even if you were to say I love you
Those words are no longer in your vocabulary toward me
It’s always something negative or irresponsive or some form of hatred or dislike toward me
But lets take this poem deeper
I’m going to explore every aspect of our life together
First off where would you really be without me
Physically as a human being
Right now everything is okay
You can make it through
But what happens when school starts
What happens when you have to go to work
You depend on me
We all know and we all see
Is that the reality of why you want me to stay
Regardless if you say I do a good job or not , I help out
I still do what you ask
But lets face it, you don’t want me
It’s the money
Your money hungry and need me to watch the kids
And it’s okay , I understand everyone needs help at least every now and then
And I have no problem doing it
But its an everyday thing,
Babysitting, school, both are hard to do
But they are manageable
But why should I have to miss out
I haven’t been to home-coming,
A school dance
A school home football or basketball game
Or to a friends house to just do whatever
Chill and hang
You say oh well I misbehave
Are you kidding me
So 7days a week
everyday
24/7 I’m up to no good
Just what about me though
All though I suppose it shouldn’t be all about me and what I want and how I feel
But oh well right now it is
It doesn’t defy the point that I’m still a person too
A person that should be treated with respect and not taken advantage of because you simply can
Their not my kids, they shouldn’t be my full responsibility
I’m not there “mommy”
Another thing I want to discuss
Something you’ve told me that I also don’t quite believe
You say child support doesn’t come every due date
But look you do get it
It’s not like the money never appears
I just feel used as if only for your needs
I can’t comp side
I can’t deprive how you think
Speak
Or act
Look I’m not always right, so how can I make all of our problems right
All I can do is try
&& I’ve tried longer then just a week
Which I constantly keep doing
But you aren’t meeting me half way
Your not recognizing your mistakes as I do mine
One of our problems is that this isn’t a mother, daughter relation as it is suppose to be
Maybe that’s just MY problem
Because that doesn’t seem to bother you as it bothers me
Maybe that is just the reality of things
Because look at the relationship you have with your mother
You do what you see
And as you were taught ,and to you this is normal
To be not so much
Because you and I have no relationship and it isn’t nothing new
It has been that way since I hit middle school
Not even as friends
If any thing were sworn enemies
And this breaks my heart to say
Because you are apart of me
I’m apart of you
You birthed me as a matter of fact
9 months we were whole
I don’t know
Actually I do
Look mom I LOVE YOU
It knocks my pride down when I say it because I feel as if you never except it
Or want it
I mean I NEVER here you say it
I can’t remember the last time I heard my mother say “Amanda I love you”
And when you ever do say it I question if you really mean it
Or if you just say it so you won’t regret
I constantly have to sew my heart back together because it’s always torn apart
Eventually there will be nothing more to sew
And then I’m going to have no remorse for you
Look I’m growing up
One more year, and I’m out
I want to leave
No if, ands, or, buts
I don’t want to be there with you
Me here is at ease, but with you and the life I have there is just so unbearable
It’s stressful
I don’t like the way things are
I’ve tried to change them but there isn’t that much I can do
I can’t make you love me
I can’t make you trust me
I can’t even make you listen to me
Even to just here me out for 5 minuets
Not even two
That’s why I’m writing you this poem to get through to you
It’s all about you
And if not you, him
I can’t ever just tell you what’s on my mind or what I’m thinking
Or even how I’m feeling
I bet you don’t know my favorite color
By the way it’s green
Another thing I dislike besides you not hearing me out
Is when you put him before me
And sad thing is I know deep down inside that if it ever came down to it
If it where me or him
You’d leave me in a heart beat
What he has over you
Some kind of spell that I obviously can’t control
Call it lust
Call it love
But all I know is that it hurts
That always crosses my mind
Him, you, and me
He took you away from me if you ask me
Although he “tries”
Attempts to reconnect us and make us see our problems to work on them
He still comes in-between
Interferes
Although I thank him for that, I really do
But it’s gotten no where
The reality of things are I will never again be “mommy’s little girl”
Just the “frustrating teenager”
Causing problems for everyone especially me
I don’t get it though why do you want me back
If I remember quite frankly wasn’t I the one almost giving you a heart attack
Wait, wait, wait, lets back track a little more while were at it
Because I am the daughter that is a ****
Sneaking guys in late at night when your at work
Oh!, and sneaking out too
That’s what I’m doing right?
That’s what you think
Oh, don’t forget when I go to a friends house or stay after school
Because all I’m trying to do according to you is see a guy
Yes like what two, three
Maybe even four years ago a sneaked a kid into my room
But let it go
That was forever ago
Things change, move on
But then here we go again
‘What about ’
“But you”
Blah blah blah
I tell you what you want me to say
What you want to hear
Because I can deny everything until I turn blue
But that will do no one no good
Your still going to think what you think
There isn’t no changing it
I can’t control your brain
I am and always will be the disobedient child you gave birth to
Can we just move on now
Your impression isn’t going to change any
No matter how long I stay
I could stay forever, it will still remain the same
Making me live with you
Forcing me to stay doesn’t make me like anymore either
If anything it pushes me more away
You can’t assume just because you have custody, that with you is where I should be
Control and authority is what you have
Its also what you like
And in the end you will win because the reality of that is you have the final say
No matter what I do, I have to obey until I’m 18
Another thing you quote on quote say your out for my ‘best interest”
Do you even know what that is
If anything don’t you think it would be better for me to stay
I’d be more focused
More at ease
But wait back to reality this really isn’t really about me
It’s the money
Because without it , we all know I would be nothing to you
All I am is a dollar sign
Although you say you sacrificed for me
Well okay you have, but I think were even now
Between all the babysitting, cleaning, chores
And the sacrifices I made
Like when I couldn’t do tutoring
Or an after school sport because I had to baby sit
Or wait in your words because I wasn’t behaving
Whatever excuse it was at the time
There are so many things I do wrong according to you
I NEVER do anything right
Well I did wrong and that I can’t change
I can’t go back in the past, there’s no time machine
I can’t perfect every bad thing or wrong doing
And you know, I wonder everyday if I just hadn’t done anything how much of this would be the same
It couldn’t be to much different though
You recognize me when I only fail at something
You know it would be nice one day if any , to have your attention other then that reason
I want that to happen so bad as if it was a need
Recognition that’s what it is
Like when I accomplish something minor in my life
I’m not saying go all out
I’m saying recognize it
Let me know your proud
Nothing I do anymore is worth saying
It’s only good for complaining
You only say my name when I’ve done something wrong
Or shamed you in some type of way
So I stray
Like I’m doing to this day
Yes I mess up some time s
I’m only human
You do as well
&& I know that it seems to you that it is just unstoppable
Like all I do quote on quote is “mess up”
And its just mess up after mess up
But it’s like I way 10,000 lbs.
And gravity just keeps pulling me down
every time I try to stand back up
The laws of nature are still in effect
Although that is no excuse that’s how I feel
There’s also a sense of neglect
I don’t feel apart of the family
Regardless of how you put it
See it
Show it
I don’t fit
I’m a extra piece to a complete puzzle
There’s no use for me
And its not you’re a “teenager” kind of thing
That’s the truth
“Family” outings I don’t feel apart of them even if I’m there
Why do you think I don’t want to go
It’s like I’m an odd ball
I don’t make it that way, I know that’s what your going to say
That’s how it is though, end of story
You don’t, he don’t want me to be apart of it
I can see it
&& you guys can say whatever
I don’t care
&&I will never be his child
Step kid
Step daughter
Whatever
Because the truth of the matter is
Look where were at now
He has obviously given up on me
He’s done that plenty of times before
&& if I were his daughter as you say
Why would he give up on me
Before
Now
His love should be strong for me
Strong like his
But it isn’t
That won’t change
&& it isn’t his fault he isn’t my father and it isn’t his responsibility to be there for me
&&do for me as he tries
I’ve understood and accept that fact
&&no I don’t hate him or dislike him at all
I respect him for attempting and trying
It just bothers me when someone says that they will be there for you
But it turns out the first thing they do is turn there back on you
I’m just confused
Look I just want to leave your family
Whatever
Its true, I no longer want to stay or be with you
I will visit
Call and say hi
I will give you the same treatment I’ve been giving my dad all these years
All this time
And you know funny thing is
You gave me so much hatred toward my father
Like when he wouldn’t show up
Or ran late
Or didn’t call
Or didn’t play his fatherly role
But I was the ignorant one because I listened to what you said
What everyone said
And took their word for it
As he was a dead beat dad
Instead of looking and seeing for myself how he really is
And he is the COMPLETE opposite
I just find it so unfair how you twisted things
And put them to make him look bad
It’s petty and sad
And in my eyes I know if I left you
You guys would be the perfect family without me
Really what’s my need
My purpose isn’t to be somewhere, where I feel like I don’t belong
I feel as I’m just occupying space and your time
Time you can use on your other kids
You don’t have to worry or keep tabs on me
You will be hassle free
A small distance
Between you and me
Between us, really it wouldn’t hurt nobody
Honestly
I promise
&& you can fill the distance with love
&& you can fill the distance with hate
Complain
Whatever you do, stay sane
Everything will be okay
And just to let you know my love for you is completely whole and real
Regardless of what you say your in my heart
And here to stay
You will never be a faded memory
You’ll ALWAYS be my mom
No one can ever replace you or come close
And just to let you know, no you don’t fail as a mother
Or as a person
It’s just that I’m not the same little girl I use to be
I’ve changed
I grew up
I’m almost 18, an adult
So it’s time for me to start acting like one
And I would respect it if you would see that this decision has adult reasoning behind it
A little kid didn’t think it
I want to live with my dad
That’s the end of it
No one can change it
What would one year hurt
I’ve spent 17 with you
Can’t he have one
If anything him and I have a lot of making up to do
Because through out all the years we haven’t done little things that father and daughters do
I missed out on that with him
&& some of them are to late to do
My father hasn’t been apart of my everyday life since I was a baby
&&those are nothing but faded memories
Those are memories I don’t even know
Which is sad to say but hey it is what it is
That isn’t once again something I can change
Look all I can really change is my future
I can get it going the right way
Get going in the right direction
I can shape today to outline my tomorrow
Simply put I’m ready to leave
I’m ready to begin my life without you
I feel this is the next step in my life
I need to do this
I need to do this for me
So I’m leaving now
I know where my real home is
Hopefully some day I can come back
I love you
&& don’t take this the wrong way
And don’t cry
There’s just a point in time
In life, where there are just some things you have to do
&& this is just one of them…
&& this isn’t an ending it’s just a new beginning…