Control is all that’s ever been just mine

The only thing that I could fully grasp

So I held on, my knuckles ghastly white

I tried to scream but I could only rasp

My fingers bled from such a deathly grip

Determination written on my face

I could falter but I refused to slip

To fall would mean to lose my perfect place.

Perched firmly on my secretary chair

I wrote a note and sealed it with a kiss

That night I closed my eyes in whispered prayer

That God would grant my one and only wish

A wish for wings to take me to a world

So far away from the dull thrum of life

But I was just a foolish little girl

My desperate pleas were bound to be denied.

I realized I’d never get what I want

And so I settled for the next best thing

Into the dark with shadows grim and gaunt

A world to which my clammy hands could cling

I made a refuge of my very own

A home where I knew I could not be found

Hundreds could search for me, both high and low

But I would stay there, hidden without sound.

I tried to find a peace that could compare

To that I’d worked so long and hard to earn

But life is cruel and bitter and unfair

And stepping in the fire leaves you burned

So hidden in the ash is where I stayed

But soon I learned the calm came with a price

When I was found, they put me on display

Yet still I spurned their sorry, sad advice.

When I turned twelve, I slipped on my lace dress

Parted cracked lips and let go of my fears

Of teary eyes, of sorrow, and of stress

That secret I had kept for all those years

And then I left, no more to be revealed

With fleeting dreams to set out by myself

I reached for freedom but was met with peals

Of laughter as it crashed down from the shelf.

It was too high for me to ever reach

A lofty goal placed fifteen feet too high

Yet I could hardly help but feel relieved

Afraid I wasn’t light enough to fly

Away: too heavy to lift off the ground

I’d sink into the stillness of the sea

The passerby would point and watch me drown

My own reflection staring in the deep.

A rusty cog stuck in a cruel machine

I hoped to keep my broken parts screwed tight

A body never truly owned by me

I wouldn’t give it up without a fight.

Until the night the sordid truth came out

And shattered as I fell on shaky legs

I couldn’t cast away that fear and doubt

No matter how much I would swear and beg.

That winter break, I shivered in the cold

My world disintegrated into dust

Never before had I felt so alone

Off in a land of horror and mistrust.

Yet I still wandered, searching for a gleam

Amidst a hurt cut deeper than a knife

‘Til sunlight poured through in a steady steam

I had to choose: Did I want death or life?