As the world may see, a happy blonde headed girl that always has a smile on her face. Always talking to people outside of her tiny circle of five people. Including people, making them laugh, making them feel worth it. Behind the smile is terrible anxiety. Thoughts constantly run through my head while putting a smile on for other people. The fear of being judged and not liked by others. The fear of what’s going to happen next in school or at work or at home. The fear of disappointing coaches, teachers, and family. Nasty thoughts constantly roaming my head that are covered up with a smile. No one will ever understand what is going on inside my head. 

Day after day I go to school, practice then to work. At school I get tore down. People treat me like I'm nothing, ignore me, and expect things in return. I stay nice to everyone no matter how they treat me. I get walked all over day after day because everyone knows I won’t stand up for myself. The only thought going through my head is I would rather have it happen to me than to someone else. Highschool will teach you a number of things, one of them being that no matter what you do, someone will always be jealous and upset. 

Straight after school I go to practice just to get torn down again. Not only by the highschool athletes but also by my coach. The words said, faces made and decisions he makes always leave me wondering if I’m good enough. I could do as I possibly could and still be torn down by him. The choice of words said to not only myself but the rest of the team have led some of us to a very dark place. The feeling of constantly being compared to other athletes, the amount of pressure placed on me, and the words said to me are all going to be things I will never be able to forget. 

Each day the weight gets heavier. Sometimes it can feel as if there is a 50 pound weight on my chest. I feel trapped, unnoticed and silent as each day goes on. People don’t understand what the “weight” feels like. Anytime I open up and express my feelings I also get the “oh you’re just going through a rough time everyone feels like that sometimes” . But it’s not just sometimes. It’s all the time. Although some days are better than others, no day goes by without the thoughts going through my head. The weight on my chest and shoulders. The feeling of being unheard. I may be able to hide behind a smile in public, but at the end of the day, I can no longer hide. I wish it was that easy. 

Tiny and orange with some fins, my goldfish is kept right beside my bed. Swimming to the top of the bowl indicating that he’s hungry, swimming by the glass keeping his eyes on me, making bubbles at the top of his bowl, Bubs is reliant on me. He can’t feed himself nor can he clean his own water. Who knew such a tiny fish could give someone such a purpose?

As the night rolls in every second feels like an eternity. I lay in my twin sized bed, wrapped up in blankets with my bear in my arm. The lights off and the only sound being my fish swimming around right next to me. Every thought I could possibly have will run through my head. Was I good enough today? Did I hide it well enough? Did I make people smile? What did I do wrong? Why did they say that? Everything under the sun comes down upon me in my pitch black room. The feeling of being worthless and not wanted by anyone. I squeeze my bear just to feel a sense of comfort. The loneliness provided by laying in my bed at night is terrifying. That should be my safe place. But in reality it’s the place where I realize how much I am truly struggling.