I am…

I am broken. Drowning in the waves of emotion, the crashing, and pounding of the past coming back to haunt me. Drowning and screaming for help, for the ship that has sailed but left me behind. The cold of the water stings like nettle, against my skin. Yet the feeling of fighting is soon to come, the fight to swim, to stay alive. I have the lifesavers in the water, all around me, though, I feel too alone to try and grab the hand of the ones I love. Broken and lost, lost at sea, lost in life. Trying and trying to fight for the future, the future that I want to see and beg to cling on to when I am swallowing seawater. Hopelessly trying to find a way back, to navigate the storm with open eyes. The sun still shines, yet is covered by the darkness of clouds in the sky. The clouds of disappointment and no self-worth. The feeling that I need someone in my life to carry me away from all the pain I feel. The hell. Still, trying to find that person. Wanting to fight and fight for new beginnings and a different ending that I see before me. But for now, I am lost. Lost in the waves of the past, and the future that makes me too scared and cold to try and swim to the surface. To scared to reach for the help I need, the help that is here for me. Because the worst feeling of being broken is the fear of getting dropped again, and again, and again. No matter how many times you try and fix the broken pieces, and put them back together. With every crack and every shatter, pieces get lost and break even more. In the end, maybe getting fixed won’t be possible. Life is full of endless amounts of possibilities. In the end, I think the real reason for staying alive is to not get broken. To survive and live through the pain and the cracks. Holding yourself together because you don’t have anyone else to do it for you. Maybe staying would clear the storm, to new beginnings and a different ending. But for now, I am lost at sea. Trying to fight my way back to see the sun again.