I Can’t Win 

I have now been living the same day over and over again. 

As I step up to the starting line

I listen to the count down with a pit in my stomach 

There goes the gunshot 

Now I can only expect the worst and hope for the best.

Just left with my thoughts and overthinking the unknown

I am struggling to catch up with the person ahead of me. 

Instead of prancing around you in that big circle,

I  trip and fall. 

What am I doing wrong?

I just wanted to leap through you but you let me down, 

Gasping for air thinking about the big day

Where my ears are littered with the word “congratulations!” 

Or thinking about the beautiful dance, 

Dancing the night away and being blinded by the flashes. 

How much faster do I have to run? 

As my face turns beet red and my hands begin to drip, 

I realize that I have already lost so much.

My legs are dragging me down

As if I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

My heart is pounding in my ears and my lungs are suffering. 

The privileges and the “lasts” are only the start 

I have missed out on thousands of laughs and memories.

These are the days adults wish they could go back to, 

Too bad I will never know the beauty within this final lap. 

Now sprinting through the memories over the years

Being surrounded by those I love 

I can only hope for better days ahead 

But for now, I have lost the race.