Distant Noise (child)

The sound of far-flung cacophony lingers in my ear as I swoon,

dropping to the ground, heavy.

Commotion ceases. Vision blurs. Eyes close slowly. All seen, is a pool of black.

I feel awake, but know I am not. Laying on my bedroom floor,

I hear the intonation of screaming.

Understood by my unconscious body,

I try resisting the gravity, but nothing happens.

The near sounding angst urges me to cringe,  

I can’t, my body stuck.

Still, I lie,

waiting to be rescued.

My body configured in awful angles.

A sudden touch of warmth, who was thought to be my hero.

They hooked onto me and sat me up.

Their motions gentle. Soft. Caring.

Soon my peace disrupted,

but this time I am able to cringe.

My body flinches in agony. I want to cry and scream.

The once distant discord grew.

Footsteps discordantly march down the hallway. Two bodies competing.

Their sound now clearly listened to, I could comprehend.

Comprehend what was actually happening.

The cacophony was my parents,

my step dad, and mom.

Arguing.

Finally understanding, I knew I had fainted.

Maybe for seconds, maybe minutes.

Now I sit on the ground, my bedroom floor,

waiting for someone to cure my pain.

Resting on the side of my bed,

I ponder.

Pain. Mental suffering or distress.

I was in pain.

Upset that my step dad fights my mom over the smallest things.

Upset that my mom accepts her fate of being with a man who mistreats her.

Upset that I was trapped in my own world filled with depression and anxiety, and that

no one was able to save me.  

All I could think about was the noise.

It stopped. Only because

I distracted everyone from their problems.

But,

who can distract me from my problem,

pain.

I’m Better (mom)

My head spinning, my thoughts racing.

Why does he have to yell?

My ears,

practically bleeding because of the sound of his voice,

it hurt.

His breath,

hot.

His face,

Agitated.

Why does he have to be so stern?

His hand cranked back,

arm bent at the elbow.

The hand

open,

ready to strike.

Panic and tears fill my open eyes.

Him noticing my anxiety,

his hand undisturbed.

Still in the air.

My tears immediately plunge.

His hand gradually released, falling

Limp by his side.

Relieved, I exhale.

Long and heavy.

Dropping to the floor in misery I scream.

You don’t deserve me!

The tears that lie in front of me tell me I’m better than this,

I’m better

But,

My body resists my mind.

I stay knowing I shouldn’t.

I Do Care (dad)

I stare at her, screaming,

annoyed that after a long day’s work

there’s no dinner on the table.

Every day I come home,

to nothing.

My rage ignites, my body instantaneously heats.

It’s something I can no longer control.

My indignation crowding my thoughts,

exhaustively blocking them.

My hand shoots up.  

My body had the intention of hitting of her,

my mind didn’t.

Her eyes filled with tears.

It triggered something in me,

my subconscious.  

My mind signaled my body to stop and my hand to fall.

She drops to the floor in fear,

fear of me.

If she’s scared of me,

why does she stay?

What does she get out of it?

I treat her as if I don’t care, but I do.

I do care.

I care about her.