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Hate: A Novel by DreamingOurWorld
Author's note: When I was feeling down, I would write this and continue writing it.
Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. I hate everyone and everybody. I even hate you, whoever’s reading this. I hate you and I don’t even know you. Doesn’t that scare you? The world’s gonna end and we’re gonna die so what’s the point of living? No one cares, or understands. No one. Not even God. God abandoned me when I was 3. He gave up on me, like everyone else. No one loves me. No one even gives a damn. Everyone just hates me.
I’m supposed to be perfect, like my oh-so-perfect stupid idiot moronic brother and sister. No one cares about me, the left out sibling. No one cares for me, no one cares about me, and if my heart is hard, then they can thank themselves for it. No one cares, not even my boyfriend.
I’m gonna break up with him. He’s a jerk anyways. It’s not like he cares. And he cheats on me too. Seriously? I’m not gonna take anymore of his crap. I’m not gonna fall for Jack’s blue puppy dog eyes again. I’m gonna be smart, gonna be cool. I’m gonna stand up for myself.
Who am I kidding? I’ve been saying I’ll break up with him for 2 months, ever since we started dating. I’ll just run back, he’ll say I don’t know what you’re talking about when I confront him, and we’ll go on dating, while he simply cheats on me every chance he gets.
Then my parents. They say they’ll be there for me. They always do. But when have they. When I’m in pain, they don’t see it. They don’t feel it. They invite me to talk to them. I’m not gonna take any more crap. I’m just gonna be myself. If I get high, well, they’ll care more about the family reputation then me. That’s the only reason. That’s the only reason they pretend they care about me.
I look around quickly. Nobody’s looking. I toss the piece of paper into a trash can. The janitor will find it, but it’s not like he cares.
It’s not like I care. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I don’t have anything good to care about. Other than myself. And even I’m not good enough.
“So how was school today?” Mom asks. School was stupid today. All they teach are stupid things. Why do you send me to school? That’s what I want to say. But of course, like the coward I am, I just sit in the back, and wait.
“School was great today.” Michelle says. I bet it was. Some new trophy, new outfit, new friend. Like I cared. “I had a bit of trouble on a volleyball maneuver. I took care of it. Then Cheryl said that had the cutest smile, and James wants to ask me out. I think I swooned. But of course, I didn’t. Later, James did ask me out.”
“What did you say?” Mom squeals.
“I said yes.” Well, Michelle seemed apathetic to an event that she had wanted so much.
“So Michael, how was your day?” Normal mom. I just shot a couple of hoops and won the championship single-handedly, literally. I’m sorry you couldn’t come. Michael would usually say something like that, then mom would go all teary-eyed and say she was sorry and she would attend next time.
“I made a great pottery pot that was on display. The art teacher was impressed and said that it would go on display.” Wow. That was drab Michael.
“That’s great Michael. When can we see it?” And here comes the punch line.
“I’m sorry mom. They took it off today.”
Mom seemed to wilt with disappointment. “I’m sorry honey. When can we see it next?”
In Washington D.C. “Maybe at the next art show.”
Mom suddenly seemed to come alive. “We’ll be there. And don’t you worry about the cost. I’ll take care of it.”
Then Mom turned to me. Her expression turned to disgust. Well, an awkward combination of disgust and a smile. Which looked really weird. “So, Ruby. How was school?”
Doesn’t she know the answer by now? “Okay.”
“What did you do?” Still pretending like she cares.
“Nothin’.” I try to answer casually. I learned early on that if I told her to much, then she poke her nose into places I didn’t want it.
“You couldn’t have done nothing all those hours.”
“Well, nothing interesting.”
Mom smiles and nods. Which is weird. Since she usually presses more. “Well, we have exciting news!”
I try to feign a look of enthusiasm. Like I cared.
“Are we moving?” Michael asks.
“No.” My mom’s smile scares me. I know trouble is coming.
“Then?” Michelle asks curiously. I just sit sullenly.
“Your father just made the best career move in his life!”
“He did?” Michael asks.
“Yes dear. He just sold 3 restaurants and got 2 more!”
My dad did something. Some s*** with restaurants. I have no clue.
“And that’s why,” Mom continues. “We’re going to go out for dessert!”
“That’s awesome dad!” Michael says excitedly.
“Yeah. It’s wonderful.” Well, Michelle’s mind was somewhere else.
They all look at me. “Yeah, it’s great dad.”
Mom frowns. She’s gonna yell at me later. “Well, we’re going to Yougurtland. Or maybe you want to go to Cold Stone.”
“I’ve got to go to the movies.” Says Michael. “I promised Elaine I’d be there.”
“Who’s Elaine?” Mom asks.
“Prospective girlfriend. I need to impress her.”
“Okay. Just this once.”
“I have to go meet James.” Michelle says.
“James? Really dear?”
“He wants to know that I’m reliable.”
“And what, does that mean?”
Uh oh for Michelle. “It just means that I, that I-”
“That you what dear.”
“That I have to assure him that I’ll love him.”
Mom looks at Michelle curiously. “Why do you have to do that?”
“Because his past girlfriends cheated on him. So he’s kind of nervous.”
Mom nods sympathetically. “You got tell him you love him.”
Poor mom. I guess they didn’t have friends with benefits relationships when she was around.
“What about you sweetie? Can you come?”
Sweetie. Yeah mom. I’d love to come. Only, Jack and I are going to take a walk in the park. “Sorry mom. I kinda feel sick. Maybe the fresh air will cool me off.”
My mom looks more than happy. As well as relieved. “Well, we’ll go to dessert by ourselves. Are you sure you can’t come?” Nodding all around the table. “Well, alright.”
As soon as I’m outside, I run to the graveyard. It sounds creepy, I know. But it’s how I chill.
I go up to my favorite grave. Emily Westhall, the gravestone reads, 1981-1994, Died when in a fire. And Jesus said unto them ... , "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you. 13 years old. She was as old as me.
Would we have been friends? Would we even know each other? Probably not. She would be way older than me. She would have future. Away from this hellhole. Me? I’m stuck here until I’m 18. Then I’ll do what I want when I then. And no one can stop me.
I close my eyes.
I’m sitting down, on the park bench. Emily is sitting next to me.
We sit silently for a while.
“What do you do when your boyfriend is cheating on you?”
“I’d break up with him.”
“I can’t break up with mine.”
“Jack is bothering you again?”
“I caught him, again.”
“Why don’t you just dump him?”
“Because,” I stutter, trying to find a reason. “Because he’ll be sad.”
“So would you.”
“Ugh. You’re no help.”
“What do you want me to say? That you’ll be fine?”
I open my eyes. I am kneeling in front of the grave. “You’re no help.” I repeat.
I am walking slowly down the park, thinking about what Emily had said. Why don’t you just dump him? Good question.
Why don’t I just dump Jack? I mean, he’s not the best boyfriend ever. Why won’t I just dump Jack? He’s a jerk. They’re all jerks. Mom, Dad, Michelle, Michael, Emily. Even you.
Why don’t I just die? Why not? I mean, suicide has never been high on my list. But would I?
I bump into someone. “Sorry,” A familiar voice grunts.
“Michelle? Aren’t you supposed to be having sex with your friend?”
Michelle winces. “Keep it quiet. I don’t want Mom to find out.”
“Why not? Oh, wait. She’ll ground you for all eternity and make sure you go to hell. So why are you out early?”
“Shhh. I’ll tell you about it if you can stay quiet.” Michelle whispers.
I nod. “Okay.” I say/whisper.
Michelle leads me to a park bench. “Sit.” She instructs.
Michelle suddenly started laughing.
“I thought you told me to shut up?” I say.
“Sorry.” Michelle giggles.
“Alcohol is a drug.”
“Alright, I’m high.
“So why did you leave early.”
“Let’s just say I saw him in a bedroom with another girl.”
“He was going to dump me.”
“You aren’t going out.”
“You weren’t going out in the first place.”
Michelle sighs. “I guess you could say that.”
“So why do you even like him?”
“Because he’s cute, and funny, and, and he just makes your heart melt when he smiles at you.”
“And just ‘cause a guy does that, doesn’t mean you should go out with him. I mean, he’s a jerk.”
“And? Jack is a jerk and you go out with him!”
“I’m going to break up with him.”
“When?” Michelle smirks. “It’s not like you can’t.”
“I’m just waiting for the right time.” I reply evenly.
“Right.” She says sarcastically. She sits silently for a minute.
Her expression is… different, I decide. She looks like, like she’s contemplating. Almost like she’s in a different world. We may be sitting on the same park bench, but we’re worlds apart.
“Michelle, hello?” I wave my hand up and down her face. She started. “What’s up?”
“Nothing,” she replies. I knew it was a lie. I let it slide.
“We better get going. Before they think we’ve been kidnapped or something.”
She nods slowly. “Yeah. I’m tired.” She says carefully.
We walk home in complete silence. Nothing to disturb us, and we didn’t bother disturbing each other. I have a pretty good idea what Michelle was thinking about, but me? I was thinking about how life was unfair. Michelle was the one who got good grades, had a flawless reputation (almost). Me? The freaky gothic emo kid? Not a bad start for high school Ruby. Not a bad start at all.
I open the front door. Michael is sitting alone, watching Spongebob. He’s laughing his head off as we came in.
“Oh, hey sisses.”
“Don’t call us sisses.” Michelle grumbles, then storms off to her room. I look around, then sit down on the arm of the couch.
“Aw, man. This is hilarious!” Michael laughs.
I look at the screen. Spongebob is acting dumb around Squidward, and it really pisses Squidward off. “I don’t think it’s that funny.” I reply.
“Dude, it’s hilarious.”
“Don’t call me dude.” I say, exaggerating dude. I get up and leave the room. I can hear Mom and Dad in their room. I open the door to my room and jump on the bed. Why bother? I think. Why bother to defend Squidward? It doesn’t really matter, once you think about it. He doesn’t exist. He’s not real. But still, I like Squidward. He’s the only one who actually makes sense and isn’t annoying. In other words, he actually acts like a human, not like some two dimensional being. But isn’t that who we all are?
I sit on my bed and cry. Why am I crying? I don’t know. All of a sudden, it’s like this pressure is on my chest and I can’t get it off. I wipe my nose and put my head on my fists as I stare at the floor.
Jack’s the problem. I think. He’s not good. He’s a lousy boyfriend. I don’t even know why I got together with him. I think back to the time when we were actually happy.
“Hey, Ruby.” Jack says to me. We’re lying down on the grass, my head on his stomach. It’s the cheesy romance scene where they’re looking at the sky. “What’re you thinking?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. I think for a moment. “I guess, I was thinking about how great it would be if life was like this all the time. Like you didn’t have to worry anymore. Like-”
“Like if I asked you out right now, would you say yes?” Jack asks me.
“Theoretically speaking, right?” I ask.
“So, theoretically, I’d say yes.”
“Theoretically would you kiss me and agree to go to pizza on, oh say Johnny’s Pizza Parlor.”
“Theoretically I would have to say no because I have dinner tonight, but I’d say yes to Sunday.”
“Sunday it is.” He says happily before kissing me.
We were perfect. Then he started cheating. And we became almost two separate people, instead of one perfect person.
I flipped onto my back. I took out my cellphone and dialed Jack’s number. He picked up on the third ring. “Yeah?” He asks, slurring his words. I can tell he’s drunk.
“It’s over.” I say curtly, then hang up. He’s probably going to confront me later, but oh well. It was worth it. And I’m not going back this time.
I smiled, my first in a long time. Maybe if I can change this, I think, I can change my life. Maybe. And that becomes my mantra for the rest of my life.