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This book is inspired by real life. I wanted to show that life isn't always perfect, but it isn't impossible.To hold on, you have to let go of somethings. Carla is a perfect example of this.
Nothing matters anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it without him by my side. Everything I do isn't the same, I can no longer look forward to something so exciting it makes your heart pop out of your chest. Like seeing his bright smile or loud deep voice echoing throughout the filled halls of castro city High School. This is the agony I go through everyday. People come up to me all the time asking how are you? Are you okay? They think by just asking me three simple words I would wipe the image of someone I love dying out of my head. They think that, but they can't sympathize with me, no one can. Im at an all time low and right now it seems that nothing can bring me back without him here. We have been best friends since we were little. He does everything with me, even if he doesn't want to. He still does it. He was the best. That day was just like any other day, I woke up and put on the same old boring private school clothes and ran out of the house trying to make the bus like usual. Once I got on the bus I saw josh's face pop up as he walks up the steps. Right as I see him a smile goes off. Just something as simple as his soft touch of a smile cheers me up. All of this made me so happy that I snapped out of reality. By the time I snapped out of it Josh was sitting down next to me trying to catch my attention. I came back to reality, Josh was still trying to get my full attention. He started to tell me how his crazy night and morning went down. I began to drift off again just letting his words flow in and out of my head.
I love everything about school. Well mostly everything, I hate the halls. Every Time I got out of class I tried my best to get in and out of the halls. Yea, that doesn't really work. I would always get caught in the groups of judgemental and scary 9th graders and 10th graders. Even though I love my friends and I love seeing them in the halls. They always want to talk about boys or sports. I wanted to talk about school and test. None of my friends are like that.I always wish they were. That why I hate the halls. Its supposed to be a space for walking to get to your next class where you can learn the things that are most important to you. Instead people use them as a way to catch up with friends. The only friend that kind of gets me is josh. He wants to go to ivy league school and wants to learn as much as he can. That the kind of best friend I like. Also when i'm walking through the halls it makes me realize how rude kids are. Even if i’m not doing anything to bother them or annoy any of the kids they still push me around and not care that i'm there. They treat me like i’m invisible. That's what mostly annoys me. In class i’m noticeable but in the halls right as I seem to step through the rim of the door, everything changes.
Once school ended I went to my locker and then found josh. We do the same thing everyday. It's kinda weird how I don't get bored. But whenever i'm with josh I never get bored. Same spot same face same everything and I still don't get bored. We've been friends since kindergarten and still never get bored. We started walking onto the bus. Sat down and did our same routine. Even though everything we talked about was the same, something felt different. I couldn't figure it out, but I could tell something was wrong. I tried to ignore it. I kept thinking that maybe I was just paranoid...I wasn't. I
started hearing screaming in the back of the truck. I tried to turn around but josh wouldn't let me. He said he didn't want me to see what was going on in the back. I was completely clueless. I started thinking of the worst possible situations I could think of so many that started to scare me even more. He turned around. I could see the shock on his face. I had to turn around. I couldn’t stand not looking and seeing what was. All I could see was everyone getting out of the bus through the back exit. I was so confused. I tried asking josh but it didn’t seem like he knew either. I looked to see if the bus driver knew what was going on, he didn’t. He was still focused on the road and the bulging music coming through his earbuds. I didn’t know how to react so I just stood there memorized about what was going on. Well what I thought was going on. I couldn't tell because everyone was running around screaming and going out the back exit. I wanted to go and get out but I couldn't move. Josh tried to pick me up and bring me to the back. But the bus started shaking like crazy. Now it was even harder to stand. As the bus started going crazy the bus driver realized what was going on, It was about time that he noticed. He stopped the bus by pulling the emergency brake. He got up and told everyone to get out. We ran to the back but there was a line of crying and terrified kids trying to get out. Right as we were climbing out the bus started rumbling like it was going to explode. Everything and everyone just started flying back. I could see the fear on josh's face as I looked over at him. Even though in real life we flew back really fast, it didn't seem that fast. You know when movies show people flying back in slow motion, you would never think that it would ever be real. It was. It felt like the 5 seconds we were flying back were 5 minutes. I looked into Josh’s eyes. I could see the fear, I could
see the life and joy that he brings disappearing getting covered by fear. The impact was rough, it felt like tiny needles hitting me left and right. We flew all the forward into the windshield. It shattered.I didn't go through it, the top of the seat and the driver’s seat belt caught me and tangled me up. Josh wasn't so lucky. He flew onto the road. I couldn't tell if he was okay. I felt a sudden rush and worry come to my head. A piece of glass came into my head when I hit the windshield. I thought I was going to die, more importantly I thought josh was gonna die. When I woke up I was in the hospital. I couldn't see anything. I tried to scream and yell for my parents. I started to hear my mom's footsteps coming over to me and my dad's quaky voice saying “ It's over, you're going to be okay.” I was so happy to hear a familiar voice. I was shaking in fear and crying at the same time, I couldn't keep still. My parents tried to calm me down. I felt so useless at the time. “Do you want me to go get the doctor?” My dad kept saying trying to get my attention. “Go right now!” I said with the most demanding voice i've ever heard. I could tell when the doctor came in because I got could hear the steps of dozen nurses coming in. They started running test on me. I could feel them putting a cold metal plate to my chest to see my heart rate, and giving me more I.V. This didn't make me more comforted, instead it made me feel more broken. I hate that feeling, the feeling that you can't do anything on your own that all you can do is sit there and wait. That's not the kind of person I am or I want to be. I couldn't help it so I screamed at the top of my lungs “EVERYONE GET OFF OF ME” they backed off right away. My parents started yelling at me telling me that they are here to help me and make me better. I told them I don't need their help that I can get better on my own. I knew that wasn't true I was just so
mad that they thought that I was so broken so I need a dozen nurses in here. Then I realized that the doctor has left the room. I could tell because I asked the nurses for my parents after they finished yelling at me. But they weren't in the room, and neither was the doctor. I started panicking again. The doctor is probably telling them that i'm not okay and that I would have to stay here the rest of my life in life support. I came to my senses, i'm not that hurt. Wait am I? I asked the nurses.... Multiple times and every time no one answered they just kept working on my broken body. Finally, one nurse answered this was probably because I grabbed there arm that was running the test on my head. She told me I had a broken back and legs, and I lost my eyesight when the glass hit my and went into my eyes. I couldn't believe this was happening. My seeing is everything, I play volleyball and I need to be able to see the ball coming up and at me. I needed to be able to see everything, what am I supposed to without it. Sit at home and eat while listening to the tv? Yea right, I'm never doing that. I started having a panic attack again. I couldn't take all of this in, it was too much. With everything going on I totally forgot about Josh. Where is he? More importantly how is he?
The day of the accident started out a good day. I got to see Carla, she's always the highlight of my day. We always have amazing morning bus rides and talk about school and how our crazy night and mornings went down. She's the best. I can't imagine the
world without her. During school we don't see each other as much mostly because we have different friends. We still try to see each other as much as possible. As the day went one I started to feel like something was going to happen. I kept getting a heart aching feeling stronger and stronger. I kept aching to know what was going to happen. Then I saw Carla walking out of the school waiting to go onto the bus. We got on the bus and she said she felt like something was going to happen. I didn't want to freak her out so I said everything is going to be fine and that she's overthinking it. I think she believed it, I hope she believed it. We started hearing commotion in the back of the bus, I turned around right as I heard it. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Right I as I saw it I knew I couldn't let Carla look, I couldn't let her get as freaked out as me. She started freaking out. She didn't say anything but I could tell that she was. I just know her too well, I know her next moves and next thoughts even before she does. I tried my hardest to hold her back. But when she she needs something she gets it. No matter how hard I would push down to hold her back. She looked back there for a second but then came back. Almost like she was paralyzed, I looked back and saw everyone getting off the back of the bus and running away down the streets. I picked Carla up and took her to the back of the bus to get off to. The bus was full of panicking kids screaming and crying. I was shocked, of course this had to happen to us not some random other kids but us. I couldn’t die from this, that all that I was thinking in the five seconds I flew back and hit the windshield. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to be a dad and go to work everyday in a fancy building. I would be so mad if I never got to experience that. I would be even more mad if i died, period. There’s so many things that I would never be
able to see. More importantly that I couldn’t see Carla live her life. She could do so many amazing things. She thinks of things differently then other people. To explain it better she doesn't over think a lot of things. She sees right through them. This is probably why she never gets in fights or never gets in trouble. Like if she forgot to do something like homework. Then she doesn't think oh I gotta lie to the teacher that I lost it or someone took it. She doesn't think of crazy stuff like that that would get her in trouble. She would rather just go up to the teacher and tell them the truth. Somehow she gets away with it. She’s just that perfect, well perfect in my eyes. All this thinking about Carla and her future made me a little happier. But then after all that thinking I couldn't remember most things. I came back to reality. A hard hitting surface almost like rocks scraped against my head. From then on I saw nothing, felt nothing.
My parents came back in from talking with the doctor. I could now hear his husky voice whispering back and forth with the nurses. I couldn't really understand all the medical terms he used, it made me scared. It made me think what if I am really broken? Can I be fixed? The words were all so big. This made me start panicking again for the hundredth time today. The nurse that told me what happened to me saw that I could hear them talking and that I was getting worried. She came over and layed in the bed with me and started asking me about where I live and my favorite colors. I think she was trying to distract me. I was working really well, she was really fun to talk to. She's the only one that has made me smile in the past days. It made me feel a little less broken
then I thought. I think my parents liked her to. They came over and started asking her questions and saying thanks for everything. I could tell that they were happy I found someone else to make me smile while I wasn't with josh. This got me thinking of josh, witch made me wonder where he actually was. I haven't heard anything from my parents or the nurses. I wonder if I asked they would tell me or just ignore me like earlier. Maybe I would have to yell at them again. I mean I wouldn't mind because it was kinda fun. Alright, really fun. Anyways I asked one of the nurses about josh. I was just praying for good news and for them them to tell me that everything is okay. It wasn’t, they paused for about a minute. I know I can’t see them but I could tell that they were debating whether or not to tell me, I could hear the trembling in their voices. The nurses still never told me what was going on so I sat there in awh wondering and guessing how bad it was. I had a sudden urge to find him. I couldn't just sit here and be more useless than I already was. I yelled at the nurse to get me a chair. I told them that I couldn't just sit in the sad hospital room anymore. That was true but if I knew about josh l could sit there in the room. As long as I knew he was okay. Everything would be okay if I knew he was fine, But I didn't. I had no idea where he was what he was feeling and what was going on. This is the first time i've ever have had this happen to me. I’ve always been with him, even on vacations. We would always facetime and never want to hang up so our time on the phone would be almost 10 hours. Even my family would talk to them. They treated him like he was a member of the family. Actually, he was a member of the family. Everyone loved him and wanted him to talk with us and never leave. I can't imagine him not being here and being able facetime him for 2 days straight and not
being able to have amazing and memorizing talks with him. Everywhere he goes he gets along with someone and even if it’s stranger he can carry a convention like no one else and like he's known them his whole life. I need him to be okay, everyone does. I couldn't see where I was going so I started yelling his name hoping that he could hear me and tell me that he was okay. I did this for an hour. No answer. I’ve had people yell at me for screaming but I never heard from him. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I started feeling dizzy, everything was nonstop moving , I kept falling over and almost falling out of my wheelchair. Then everything went silent. I woke up, everyone was around me screaming trying to help me like the first time I woke up in the hospital bed. I could see a little bit of light coming through my left eye. I thought that maybe I was getting my eyesight back! I asked the doctor, he was shocked that I could see the light. Well some of it. He started examining my eye by touching it and around it. I guess he was looking to see if something has changed. WItch something obviously has because I can see some light. I could hear my mom crying in the background. I couldn't tell if it was tears of joy or sadness. I tried calling dad over to tell me if she was okay. But when I called him over I didn’t hear him say anything or come over. Every time I repeated it I heard more sobs coming from my mom. I put two and two together. My dad left again. Its okay im used to it by now. I know that he loves me but he isn’t very good at staying in one place for a time even if it is when I’m in the hospital. I know that i’m the kid and that i’m supposed to be the one to cry. But I never have been, my mom has always been the one. As strong as she is somehow dad always seems to break through the walls and destroy her every time. Luckily everytime he comes around she's ready
and no longer broke. This happens at least one time a year. No matter what I say or do, I can never make her feel better. It's the hardest thing ever to catch. All she wants to do is sleep because the she doesn't have to worry about him or think about him. It's more like a I love you I hate you situation. I started calling mom over, I could hear the weeping of her coming closer to me. She sat down on the bed right next to me. I grabbed her and said get over it okay? Over the years i've tried just trying to make her feel better. That clearly didn't work so now i'm gonna try tough love.
“ You got to get over him mom, he doesn't understand what a family is like. Im at a very hard point in my life right now and even i'm holding it together. Or at least trying to. Anyway the point is you need to get over him, he isn't worth it.” I screamed this at her and the words came flying out of me. I hope she wasn't hurt at what I said. The crying stopped. Instead of her yelling back at me she just said thank you I needed that and walked away. I was not expecting that. I thought she was gonna beat me or something. I mean not literally.
Saying all of that to my mom was so pleasing, i've been wanting to tell her that for so long and now I won't have to deal with as much pain and sorrow that she goes through. The nurse came in and ruined our moment. She started talking with the doctor. I heard a panic, I couldn't tell if it was my mom or it was the nurses. I yelled for my mom, no answer. I yelled for the doctor, no answer. I yelled for the nurse, no answer. It was that moment where I realized that I was all alone and no one could hear me or help. I started crying and eventually cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I could hear all of the commotion in the room. I heard my moms voice, “MOM MOM WHERE ARE YOU,
WHAT'S GOING ON?” Everything got quiet, it was so quiet that if I dropped a pin you could hear that. People started talking again and then I heard the doctor start speaking to someone, actually I think he was trying to talk to me.
“Carla, do you remember how you started seeing a little light? Well As well as that sounds it's not like you're seeing. It's a tiny tumor coming into you eyes.” He said this while fading off at the end like he was regretting telling me.
“ what does this mean? Does it mean I'm gonna die?” I started yelling and freaking out. “No you will not die, we are gonna do our best in surgery to make the tumor go away.” He sounded so calm when he said this, he shouldn't have sounded that calm. I could feel the pounding of my heart start up again. It was getting faster and faster as the seconds ticked by. How am I going to get through this?
They started prepping me for surgery a day early. They told me I couldn't eat anything until after the surgery. They also told me and my mom all of the scary things that can happen in this surgery. I was so scared, I felt like I was gonna vomit 24/7. I felt like that was gonna be the worst feeling out of the whole surgery. The day went by super slow and wasn't any fun. Nurses came in and out to check on me and my mom, she slept the whole day trying not think about my dead beat dad. And I get that because I would
have done the same thing. The doctor and nurses woke me and and started dragging me to the surgery room at 4 in the morning. On the way there I could feel someone brush against me. Of course I said excuse me because even if I'm in a bad mood I don't want to be rude and ruin someone's day that's probably already not going to well. They just replied back with a. It's okay. The voice sounded so familiar. It was like I've known it my whole life.
"Josh? Is that you?
"Carla?! Oh my god I've been so worried about you!"
"Same here! Are you okay I've tried looking for you but I didn't find you." "Oh I'm gonna be just fine, right now I'm going into surgery because they have to look at the spinal cords in my back"
" make sure you be very careful okay, I've heard that it's very dangerous. I'm going in right now because I lost my eyesight and they found a tumor going into my eye."
" What? I'm so sorry. It was my job to protect you and I failed at that. I'm so sorry I love you and hope you make it out okay."
I could feel his arm getting dragged away from me. I didn't want him to leave me, but I was so happy that I saw him. I missed his voice so very
much but more then his voice I wanted to see his face. His face and smile always brings me happiness. I hope everything goes well. I didn't know much about the surgery he was going into so, I asked the nurse wheeling me into the room. The nurse started mumbling under her breath like she was trying to decide whether or not to tell me. I just told her it was okay and that I could ask my mom. She sighed with relief. Man I really hate this hospital.
They took me into the room, it was cold with discomfort. Placed a couple random things on top of me that I have idea what they are. Then this one nurse, a guy nurse started talking to me. Rambling on about how I should count back from 7? Yea like that's gonna help me in The surgery. But instead of talking to me after I counted down something came around my head and on my mouth. This must be the anesthesia. Or something that's gonna knock me out so I won't feel or remember what is going on in the surgery. For once I'm happy with what the doctors were doing. Usually they just sit around and watch while I'm in pain. But maybe they only have to help right now because it just got serious. I blanked out from all of my thought. I couldn't see a think not the light come through the corner of my eye. Oh wait I forgot that's the tumor. Anyways it just felt darker not like I
was having a dream but like I was inside my own head. It was the weirdest thing. I heard someone screaming I tried following the sound but all I saw was black. Then I saw some light coming through, I ran over to it and went through the home. I couldn't tell where I was but I could see the whole hospital and the people in in including me on the surgery board. It was then I realized that I was in my surgery room and looking at all the nurses and doctors on me. It was the grossest thing I've ever looked at, so I decided to go and look for josh's room.
He was in the Room right next to me. Laying on the bed, the same way but this time with his back up and open. I couldn't stand what I saw. It was so gross. I heard beeping start going off, this made the doctors start panicking or trying to make it stop. I couldn't quite tell what was going on but I look over to the heart monitor and saw that his heart rate was going down. I banged on the window trying to tell them what going on, that's when I realized they knew what was going on but they didn't think they could save him. I heard the beep go flat line. The doctors stepped away from his table and walked out of the room. I was shocked that they just did that. They can't just leave him on the table just laying there. They have to help him that's what they're here for. I ran into the room and tried to make the
beeping start again. Nothing worked. Then I tried getting the doctor's attention. They didn't hear all of the screaming I was doing, they kept moving on with their lives and cleaning up Josh's open body on the table. I couldn't stand this anymore. I ran out of the room sobbing and screaming. I didn't know where to go. I couldn't find where I was. Right at that moment I lost all sense of direction and feelings. I felt like nothing like I couldn't do anything to help me or make me in a worse mood. I had no way to feel better. Everything went quiet, I started fading away and back to the blank and black space in my mind. I woke up with a gasp. I was no longer in the surgery room but I was in my hospital room. I could see out of one of one eye and kinda in the other eye. The doctor walked in a the room with a his clipboard and his long white doctor coat. I could tell that he was happy, I think that was mostly because I can see some things. He walked to the edge of my bed and started asking me and questions and examined my eyes and head. He told me that everything went great and he said they got all of the tumor. I told him I could see. He seemed so surprised and proud of himself. I could tell that he was ignorant And super self centered. Just by the way he walks into the room. He was a very good doctor so I could see why he would be. Anyways, he said that they wanna keep me here until
they know that my broken bones were okay and healed. I was totally fine with that because I now I know I'm gonna be okay, everything was gonna be okay. Josh. He came to my mind. The picture of his open body on the table was running through my head. His heart beat hitting flat line. I can't tell if it was a dream or something that actually happened. I asked the doctor right as he was walking out of the room.
"Did my friend Josh did in surgery or was that just a dream?"
"I'm so sorry to say this but... Josh had some complications to his surgery. The damage on his back was to severe, they tried everything to save him. I'm so sorry."
He walked right out of the room and down the hall like lighting. I don't think he wanted to see me break down and cry. The nurse that helped me earlier walked by, she saw that I was crying and stopped by to see how I was. She sat by my bed and talked with me about what happened. I told her everything about Josh, his smile, personality, our life together and how he was the only person that truly understood me. I could see a tear coming out of the corner of her eye. She made me cry even harder. She started going on about how I need to be strong and how he sounded like he loved me so much. She reminds me of how much he truly loved me and it weirdly made
me feel better. I started missing him more but happy that he was in a better place. She didn't say anything after that. I think she sensed that I didn't want to talk about it and I just wanted to have time to process what was happening. We sat there by the bed for a good 45 minutes. Then she started telling me funny stories and things she's done in her life except be a nurse. Surprisingly she's done a lot, she's gone skydiving and bungee jumping. She seemed so satisfied with life. I asked her about her family. This is when she got quiet. I felt bad because I think I Made her uncomfortable. I quickly changed the subject and started on school. She brought up her personality again by talking about funny stories in college and elementary school. I was super impressed on how much she remembered about these stories. They seemed like they were 20 years ago. Anyway I started smiling and forgetting about where I was and what I was sad about. All that I was focusing on was her mouth moving and telling these amazing stories about her amazing life.
As the days went on everything got easier. My mom got happier and my legs didn't hurt as much and my eyesight was doing very well. I could almost see everything so clear. Well except the one eye. I was still praying that I would get that part of my eyesight back but it seems that that wouldn't be happening.
Josh is still in my head every single day. I always seem to be replaying memories of him. There's so many of them. I keep thinking about what life will be like at school. It's gonna be so much more different now that he isn't around me. I'm not gonna get to see him every morning and every afternoon. I can no longer see his face pop up as he's walking onto the bus. I know I should be scared of getting on the bus. The possibility of having another accident. The possibility of me coming close to losing my life. I tried to push that thought out of my head. With everything that has happened I figured that I wanna do something that makes me feel like I accomplished something, something useful. Maybe facing my fear of the bus could be it. I miss that feeling. That feeling of doing something and changing something. Soon enough though I'll be able to do that.
I was so happy I got my eyesight back because now I can keep playing volleyball. Basically all my worries in the world are gone now and I can get back to ny normal life. Well sorta normal. I guess I'll have to adjust and I'm fine with that. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm surprisingly happy, they think that I would be beyond depressed right now. They don't believe me, they keep asking me questions, trying to help. If anything it's doing the opposite. I am still trying to accept the fact that I lived. The day of the accident I thought my life was over. I thought I was never going to be useful. Matter just taking up space and doing nothing. Just having no purpose. That's changed a lot, being in the hospital and seeing all of the other patients that have worse lives than me has really helped me. I try my best to be grateful for being alive. It’s so hard without him.
Everything was going great, my legs are healing and everything was fine. Just fine. I started going to school again. It was really strange with our Josh
there. Everything felt like a dream, people staring at me. Just wondering and aching to know how I am.
I kept thinking that I saw his face in the halls. Everything that happened just kept rushing through my mind. The memories, the old classes we had together. The place where we would run to during lunch to get away from all the negativity of the school yard. It crushed me that he wasn't there, this is why I tried not to talk about it, not to think about it. In the hospital not a lot reminded me of him so I was okay, when I got to school everything and everyone reminded me of him. I thought I was fine but I really wasn't I started putting off most of my feelings. Just telling myself I was fine. Everything is fine.
My eyesight was okay, it keeps going on and off. Sometimes I'll have great days where everything is super clear, but I also have days where I can't see a thing. I wanted to tell my mom because I didn't want to make her more worried about me then she already is. I had to go back to the hospital for my check up. They started out with a simple examin. They saw that something was wrong. I couldn't tell if it was going to be fixable or not. They told me to go to the same room as before. I hated being here. Nothing feels like home and I know that's what the try to make it feel like but it really isn't.
You can almost sense the sadness and the death of hundreds before you. It was so sad and depressing to think of.
My mom has gotten better since my dad left. I could tell being back here was hard for her. I was so mad at my dad for what he did, I sill miss
him but for the first time I don't wish that he was back and being a real dad. I wouldn't be who I am today without that happening. It's weird to think of how many things we take for granted and that if we take a step back everything is in a different view. Maybe it will help me be more grateful for what I have. Well whatever it is, I'll be happy. The doctor came into my room. I could barely tell it was him, I saw a fuzzy white coat and a blue shirt. I decided to make out that it was the doctor and call him over. He told me that my eyesight is gonna go out eventually and that the tumor left a mark in my eye that’s vacant and can't be fixed. I asked how much time I have left to see and he said about a week. I couldn't believe this. One more week to see all the things I am curious about. All the things that I have never seen or experienced. They told me that I could join these support groups at the hospital for kids like me that have lost something. Whether it's a finger or your eyesight. I was on the edge about going. I didn't want to be around kids that are sad and depressed. That would make me even more
sad, that's the opposite of what I want right now. The days went by so fast. I tried to see everything, we went on so many hikes and even went to park city so I could see snow for the first time. We were only there for like an hour but at least I got to cross off one more thing off my list. I kept thinking about what's gonna happen in the future. How I'm never gonna be able to see my kids. I'm probably not gonna be able to have kids. My mom saw the expression on my face go don. She reached over and hugged me and out of the blue asked me if I wanted to go to Paris. I've never been out of the country before. Well times I remember. I did go to Africa once but I wasn't even a year old so I don't remember much. I wish I did though, my mom always tells me these amazing stories about the lions and tigers and the people. I hope I will always remember this trip though. It's gonna be one of the last things I'll get to hold on to.
We got one plane from park city to la and then from there Paris. The traveling took about 1 day at least. I lost count, my phone died halfway through the day so all I had to do was sit there and sleep and think. Josh. I have been so busy thinking about my eyesight I forgot about everything that happened. The surgery, his flatline, his open body on the table. I started to feel a rush of emotion. I tried to push it down. I tried not to show it. I turned away to the window so my mom wouldn't see the tears streaming down my face just trying to hold myself over until we landed.
We landed, I didn't know it until I felt the plane rumbling. At first you would have thought we were crashing. I started freaking out and freaking everyone else on the plane out. Turns out flight attendants don't like people scary other people on the flight like that. They yelled at me so much I was about to laugh and cry at the same time. We loaded off the plane when I looked through the window at the airport and saw paris, I fell in love instantly. All the trees were different colors. Everyone was walking around
looking so happy. It was so different than the U.S. My mom looked like she wasn't as surprised. I ran out of the airport as fast as I could. I wanted to see the whole town. Only from one view I could tell that it was amazing. I was so anxious to see the rest of it. The streets were filled with love and many many cars. With all the cars I don't know how it's not polluted. It was such an amazing place I have been here for 1 hour. The taxi stopped right as it saw me and my mom. They drove us to our hotel. It was so big, the top looked like it reached the clouds. It could fit at least 1 million people in three floors. We walked in and saw the people flowing through the halls with the classical music. It was so pretty, everyone that worked there crowded around us asking to take our bags and everything we had. They opened the doors, the whole suit was white and gold. I could see metal piping up through the window. I was so curious that I ran up to it and saw it was the eiffel tower. It was so gorgeous I started crying. I don't want to lose my eyesight. Seeing this made me so sad because this is one of the many beautiful things in life that I could miss out on.
The first day was so amazing we looked at almost everything. Well atleast we tried to. We got up at 6 am and went to everything that was open. As the day went on my eyesight kept getting a little fuzzier. I don't want this to
happen. I ran over to my mom crying, she tried to hug me and calm me down but I couldn't stand still. I wanted to run, run away from everything. From josh dying for the accident and from losing my eyesight. I wanted to run to a world where none of it existed and josh was there to help me. I would be able to stand being blind, but on one condition. That josh was here by my side guiding me in the right direction. But he wasn't and he couldn't. There was no physical way that he could. Later that night I ended up crying myself to bed. I could calm myself down. I felt bad for my mom, she had to listen to loud and annoying crying all night. I don't think she cared though. I ended up staying up for most of the night just thinking and crying. Thankfully I went to bed for a little bit. During that time I had a dream about josh. We were walking through the school like any other day. But this time we were just gonna say see you on the bus when we were saying goodbye. This time he told me to meet him at our spot after school. I asked him why but he kept walking through the swarmed halls. I got so anxious to know that by the end of fourth period I was ready to sprint out the door. The bell rang, I was the first one out of the school and on my way to our spot. Our spot was the tunnel on the corner of the school. I got there and josh was already there, leaning against the painted wall of the tunnel. I
ran over to him and gave him the biggest hug. He started laughing, I forgot how heart warming his laugh was. He look timid to tell me what he wanted to.
“Just say it, I can take it.” I demanded
“You are going to lose your eyesight soon, and that is going to suck. It really is, but I need you to stick through it and know I love you with all my heart. I'm not gonna be there to guide you but I will leave something for you so you know I'm there and here for you.” he said this in hes amazing voice that can take over a person in an instant. I was so shocked that he said that. It's like he could read my mind. I woke up from the dream with a gasp. I felt something under my back almost like a piece of paper. I started to open the piece of paper folded so precisely.
“ Dear carla, thank you for being with me all my life and supporting me. I love you with all my heart. I am so sorry I can't be there with you. I can no longer see you grow up and see your new life. I hope you can guide through life in your amazing ways without me. Love josh.”
I felt the rush of emotions bubble back up, there's no way this could be real. It’s not possible, josh is gone there's no way he could have gave me this. Even more written this. He’s gone, he’s in heaven there's nothing he could
do now besides watch over me. He's dead, I saw him die on the table. There is no way this could happen. So many thoughts rushing through my head wondering, questioning what I saw and what was happening. Maybe my mom put that note under me when I was sleeping to make me feel better. I sat up and started shaking her to wake her up. She told me no and told me to go back to bed. I couldn't go back to bed now. Not after what just happened. If he actually sent this to me that means I didn't actually lose him. It just means that he's not here physically. I was so confused. It sounded crazy in real life, but in my thoughts it sounded so real and so true. I cried and cried, I couldn’t believe that he was here and seeing me. Watching over me.
The sunrise started, it was so pretty. That's when I realized I have been up all night, just trying to control myself from freaking out even more. My mom woke up and saw my dried tears all down my face. She asked me what happened and if I wanted to talk about it. I shook my head and told her i need to figure out what actually happened. She was surprised on how well I handled myself. Mostly because I didn't break down in tears during my sentence. I gotta say that was probably the first time that happened.
We started the day by going shopping.... again. It was the perfect way to spend a day that started out not so good. After our time was up in paris we flew over to home. I didn’t want to leave. I loved seeing the all of the people walking about so peaceful, so quiet. I loved eating their food that was almost like a explosion of taste when I took the first bite. It makes me never want to leave because there wasn’t any such thing like this in the U.S.
Being back home was so strange. Seeing all of the familiar faces and everyone who knew about what happened to me. It's like they all felt so bad for me. Almost like they are happy they aren’t me. They would never say anything mean or somehow offensive. It was more like they all had a filter that switched on right as I walked over. As if all their personality switched off, they had to think about what they were going to say sentences before so you they wouldn’t say the wrong thing. I miss josh. No matter the person he would always be him. Just him. No switch, no personality change. Just josh. He could always be himself and now without him it's like I can't function, or like I need to come up for air but I'm being held back by life.
The only person that I could talk to was my mom, and that was good to have her around. Sometimes I wished that I had someone my own age and so I could tell them all of the bad feeling. That way when I told them they wouldn't just sit there and cry. They would help me in the way I needed to be helped. Not by going to the hospital setting me in a cold sad room. Someone that would help me, like Josh did.
It was so different here from paris. The streets are more crowded. I could see the pollution in the air. I wish I was back in the nice streets in paris. The air was lighter, everyone was happier. I could use that right now. Everything in in life was filled with sadness and everyday something would add on. It just kept getting worse. I want everything to go away and be my perfect life again. I was so sad of having this helpless feeling, a feeling that there is no more I can do. A feeling that’s purpose is to bring me down.
I ran out of the house and over to the spot where me and josh go. I sat at the spot,I started to break down. All the feelings of josh, the bus, my dad, my mom, my eyesight, being useless. I wanted the pain to be gone. I wanted to be free from this aching pain.I ran back to my house and looked in my moms pill cabinet. I know I shouldn't, my mom has been through so much but I can't take it anymore. It’ s gonna be with me my whole life, there’s no way to make it go away except this. I opened the pill bottle. Everything was a blur.
“Carla? Carla are you in there?”
My mom broke through the door. She could tell something was wrong. I looked up at her, I saw her surprised blurred face with tears about to come rolling down her face. She ran over to me and grabbed me and pushed me out of the room. She took the pill bottle and flushed them down the toilet. Along with any other pill bottles.
I opened my eyes. The light was so bright. Everything was fuzzy but I could tell I was in the hospital. I could hear the annoying co start beeping of my heart rate.
“Mom? Mom are you here?”
“Yes honey, I’m right here.”
“I’m so sorry Mom.”
“Why would you do that? Weren’t you thinking about me and Dad? What about your friends?”
“Friends? I don’t have friends. Josh is gone. Dad is gone. My eyesight is gone. Everyone and everything is leaving me.”
“ I’m here.”
“But that’s not enough. Please just let be alone for awhile.”
My mom walked out of the room. I closed my eyes and sighed trying to let all the bad feelings leave my body. I opened my eyes and looked around the sad hospital bed that i've sat in 4 times. I looked over to my water cup and saw a piece of paper underneath it.
"Carla you can't do this to yourself, I know life is hard right now but I need you to push through. Your mom has lost lost me already and your dad, she doesn't need to loose other special person in her life." Love Josh.
That note was like a wall or barrier set up to keep me away. It kept me from not letting go. Why can he just be here?
The doctor came in a gave me a hug. Something was different but I couldn't quite guess it. I kept looking at him and thinking what is different? It hit me, there was a huge bump coming out of his head. I was so curious what it was, I know this was probably disrespectful but I didn't it anyways.
"What's the bump on your head doing up there? I felt so bad after I realized what I just said to the doctor. After everything he's done for me I can't just be respectful once?
‘The cancer specialist saw me in the halls when It first started forming and thought I should get it checked out. Turns out it was cancer. I mean who would think that a doctor for 14 years wouldn't even notice that he had
cancer." He ended his sentence with a little giggle. I could tell he was sad inside but trying to seem happy. I've done it before. I saw right through him and called him over and gave him a hug. I really hoped this made him feel better or least make up for me making him feel bad about his cancer. I could see a tear coming out the corner of his eye. I didn't want him to cry and I could tell that he didn't want to either. I tried to move on by asking him what they were going to do to me.
“Well we want the best for you and we want you to be safe so we are going to move you to pych. Its not because you're crazy it's because you're not yourself right now and have gone through some bad things that would have thrown you off. Please don't be mad about this we want the best for you.”
I don't know why but I wasn't mad, I was happy that they wanted the best for me. I thought moving me to psych was a little dramatic. I wasn't that messed up, just everything got to my head. On second thought maybe I will go to pych. The word itself is just weird to think of though. When I go back to school and people ask me where I have been what do I tell them? “Oh yea I went a little crazy and had to go to psych!” Ya no I don't think so.
It felt like weeks have gone by. I had made some new friends up in psych. I still missed home though. Missed having freedom. They decided that I have gotten and better and that I could go home. I get leave this sad lonely hospital. Finally.
My mom and I kept getting better by the day. We were getting along well. Turns out the school thought that I've been gone for so long that I should just do homeschool. That and my eyesight could go out any minute now. The final thing the doctor said to me was “you never know when it could go out but when it does i can't save it i'm sorry.” I don't know why he couldn't have saved it or would save it because he did it the first time. He also tried to explain it to me but I couldn't understand anything he was saying because big doctor words and the slurred speech from the brain tumor do not go well together. Anyways life was going great, actually not great but better than before. I couldn't tell if I was happier because of the medication the doctors gave me or just because I am. Either way it feels so good to have the aching pain go away, slowly.
In pych they taught me a lot of things. It was kinda like school but more fun. The nurses were super nice and would play games with me. They would also show me how to handle myself without josh here.
Josh was on my mind everyday, it was kinda hard not to miss him. I was doing my best everyday. I think I was ready to let go. Not let go of him but let go of all the pain and the missing him. I always pray that I will get another note from him or some sign that he is still watching over me. Well
anyways, this whole story or “accident” has taught me things that I never thought I would think or see. I never thought that I could get by without josh or focus without him here. For the first couple months that was true. But the way my life turned out was okay. The life now that I have is good. I still only have my mom but that's all I need. I want to have josh right next to me but just because I can't see him doesn't mean he's not with me. I decided to write josh a note.
“Dear josh, thank you for everything in my life and making me have so many memories of you. I miss everything about you but just because your not here does not mean i'm going to forget you. Well just wanted to let you know I love you and think of you everyday. Goodbye josh, you're in my mind forever and always.”