Well, you know, beginning a good friend is a hard thing to do, especially if you are bothering to read this. Frankly, I’m still trying to figure out this whole good friend thing myself. But, let me take a swing at it. Though, baseball ain't my thing either. The point is, if I fail to provide you with the right information, I am not liable for any damage you do to yourself or others. So, let’s get to it.

So, step one would be… Quite a difficult thing to figure out. Yes. Well, what should I teach you first. Or, attempt to teach you. Oh, yes. I’ll teach you that first.

Step one is, try being a good listener. Or appear to be one. When they’re talking, make lots of eye contact. Show them that you have some sort of interest in their life. Even if you barely know what's going on. Or, have any interest in their life. I find my friends’ life interesting. But, they never really tell me anything. I try to be apart of their lives. I inquire into their lives. But, I’m always at arms length for them. They feel I won’t understand. But, back to step one. Now, where was I. Oh, yes. So, when they stop talking, every hour or two, nod your head as if you understand. Because, we all know what you’re really thinking about… I’m gonna trust that I and everyone else knows what you’re thinking. But, I am slightly scared to even try to justify anything happening in your head. Basically do what all those old sitcoms tell you to do with your wife.

Step two… Always a fun step. Most of you think you're doing this step. But, you’re not. Step two, just be yourself. That’s what you should be doing anyway, unless yourself is Batman, in which case be someone else. If you’re bothering to ask yourself, “Why wouldn't you want to be Batman, if that’s your true self?” Well, I’m gonna be honest, I haven’t got a bloody clue. It might because, of your friend and/or family. You know your love ones. But, if your true self is Batman, then by all means be the caped crusader. It would be a great way to get friends, if you really think about. I’m just more worried about the enemies. But, this isn't the time for keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer. Really be yourself, people will like you for that. Just be your weird and awesomely awkward self.   

Step three… Don’t be judgmental! Cause, you've entered into a judgement free zone. That’s what friendship is... I guess. Your friends aren't going to judge you, if they are truly your friends. So, why should you judge them. Obviously, there’s a reason for why you all are friends. Though, I’m still trying to figure out why my friends are my friends. I have no idea, to how anyone can like an overly controlling person, who clearly has some sort of need to act like a three year old or puppy. If you ask me, I would make a very good dog. But, you know people are social creatures. Or, at least that’s what my middle school speech pathologist uses to say. People should never rely solely on studies to support their  (wrong) thinking. You need some of that personal experience junk. But, really don’t be judgmental. It’s not a good thing. 

Step four… This is really elaborate for being a good friend. How can a person need this much help? I mean really you've come to me for advice . If you need this much help, go to Oprah or Dr. Phil. They are far more suited to this kind of thing. What kind of person goes to novice for advice on this kind of thing? You my friend, and I use the term loosely, are one apple slice short of a fruit cake.  

Now, step four… You're going to love this. Step four, disregard all of this and just be satisfied with the fact that you will be a moderately ok friend. If even that. Cause that’s what we are. Moderately ok people with a bunch of flaws. So, if your friends like you, like mine do, you’ll do alright. That’s my advice to you. Go through all these stupid steps and then you finally realize that your friends are flawed too. So, just be flawed together.