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(Open on four Halloween killers in the woods: CLOWN, PYRO, WITCH, and GASMASK. They all stomp tensely down a forest path. CLOWN and PYRO argue in the front.)
CLOWN: I cannot believe this!
PYRO: You’re making this a bigger deal than it is.
CLOWN: You can only murder someone when their guard is down! And we don’t exactly look inconspicuous right now!
PYRO: I was off by one day! So sue me! Halloween is still tomorrow! If anything, this gives us an extra day to prepare.
CLOWN: For the love of Cthulhu, I have a life! I don’t want to waste my time here if we’re not going to kill anyone!
WITCH: Look, this is on all of us. We all could’ve checked the calendar.
CLOWN: No, you (pointing to PYRO) were in charge of the schedule. This is not on us.
PYRO: You know, I am perfectly capable of murdering people by myself! I don’t need any of you, I’ve never needed you! (Beat.) You’re all honestly nightmares.
(Stunned silence. Everyone stares at PYRO.)
WITCH: Are you kidding me?
PYRO: Oh! Oh, wait, no, it was an accident-
WITCH: This is serious business.
PYRO: -it wasn’t a pun, it was an accident, it wasn’t on purpose!
(CUT to bridge. PYRO and GASMASK look over the map, CLOWN juggles angrily under the bridge, WITCH stands between.)
PYRO: I was so sure the shed was downstream.
(GASMASK shakes his head, points to the map again.)
PYRO: Are you sure?
(WITCH approaches CLOWN under the bridge, crouches down. CLOWN stops juggling.)
WITCH: Hey, listen. This is just a small setback, okay?
CLOWN: Look at her. What is she even supposed to be? A mime? And the whole gas mask getup is ridiculous. “Oh, no, not beige! It’s terrifying!”
WITCH: Okay, you need to cool down. We’re one day off, it’s fine.
CLOWN: You don’t understand. I’ve put a lot of time and energy into getting this just right. I have a vision. I don’t like seeing it get ruined.
WITCH: This is your vision? Really? So why am I carrying the cauldron full of supplies? Binoculars, a kitchen knife, a bag of spiders, mice – color-coordinated! A small pumpkin? Why? What are we supposed to do with it? It’s heavy!
PYRO: Hey, guys! We’re gonna go upstream, come on.
CLOWN: Hey. I could… carry the cauldron.
WITCH: (Coldly.) I’m fine.
(WITCH stands, walks off. CLOWN follows. WITCH passes by PYRO.)
PYRO: Wow, I really feel… out of place. Right?
WITCH: Yeah, because it’s the 30th.
(CUT to shed. PYRO and CLOWN lead in front, WITCH and GASMASK follow.)
PYRO: Yes! Gasoline is all mine. (Exits shed with gasoline.) Outta my way!
CLOWN: Gimme the chainsaw.
(CLOWN takes it, leaves shed silently. Only a shovel is left. WITCH and GASMASK glance at one another. GASMASK offers it to WITCH.)
WITCH: No, it’s all yours. No worries.
(GASMASK takes the shovel, but pauses a moment to comfortingly pat WITCH on the shoulder. He lingers for a moment, then continues on his way.
Cut to hilltop. The four sit: CLOWN, WITCH, GASMASK, PYRO. GASMASK pulls out binoculars from WITCH’S cauldron, gazes down. Suddenly, he elbows WITCH and hands her the binoculars. He points.)
WITCH: Hey! Teenagers at ten o’clock! Totally unsupervised!
PYRO: (Stealing the binoculars.) They’ve got a movie camera, too! And it’s an old one! Extra shaky!
WITCH: Guys, this is perfect!
CLOWN: Yeah, wouldn’t it be great if there was a full moon tonight. On a Friday. On Halloween.
WITCH: Stop it. This is a great opportunity. Why are you trying to ruin it?
CLOWN: I just don’t think Thursday the 30th with a waxing gibbous moon has quite the same ring.
PYRO: Okay, you are really bitter. Can’t you just-
CLOWN: This is diluted fear. The suspense is gone.
WITCH: Don’t be like this.
PYRO: You know what? I’m done. You guys can get your act together or not, but I’m going down there and burning one of these kids alive with or without you.
CLOWN: You say that like we care. Go ahead! Have fun ruining the spirit of Halloween.
WITCH: Guys, we’re Halloween fanatics. We all know the number one rule of this season: Never split up.
CLOWN: Stop acting like you’re in charge. You’re not.
WITCH: Oh? Then who is?
CLOWN: I think we can all agree that only one of us brought us all together.
PYRO: You are an Ego-Maniac. Pun intended.
(GASMASK rips off his mask. There is a stunned silence.)
GASMASK: You don’t think I want to scream and yell too? This is upsetting! Of course I’m mad! But we’ve all made mistakes, and we couldn’t have done this alone, no matter what we might like to think. You (motioning to CLOWN) have the vision, the big idea. You (motioning to WITCH) have the drive, the perspiration, the real effort. And you (motioning to PYRO) have the creativity and ingenuity. We can’t do this without any of you.
WITCH: And you?
GASMASK: Oh, I’m the most important part! I’m the one who keeps the three of you here, together.
(There is a long silence.)
GASMASK: So I propose we do what we came here to do. Come on guys, let’s go slaughter those kids. (Pauses.) Okay?
WITCH: (After a pause.) Okay.
(There is a pause. CLOWN looks a little embarrassed.)
GASMASK: It’s okay.
CLOWN: All right.
GASMASK: Ready, guys?
(GASMASK puts on his mask. PYRO does the same. WITCH grabs the kitchen knife, and the other three grab their weapons from the shed. The four stand, and take a moment to look at each other, a full, realized team. CLOWN gleefully revs up his chainsaw and lets out a maniacal laugh. We hear a symphony of screams as they gleefully charge down the hill.)
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