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my own mess
She walked past me. Without a word, without even a glance in my direction. It could be the fact that I was a freshman and she was a junior, but it also could've been the fact that she was staring with a loving complexion towards the girl holding her hand. I watched them walk down the hall, holding hands, talking to each other smiling. Not noticing anyone around them. It almost left an empty feeling in my heart, sinking it down a small amount. It wasn't because they didn't notice me but because I knew they were together, it was a little disappointing.
For the rest of the week I looked for the girl I had seen in the hallway. All i had to go on was that she had rich brown hair and freckles that covered most of her face. I didn't really remember anything else and I didn’t know her-or her girlfriend's name, but I did know they were a couple and I did know that I wanted to know who they were.
In a state of curiosity i went around asking all my upperclassmen friends and a few of the small amount of lowerclassmen friends if they knew any lesbian couples. The conversations went along the lines off
“Um so, Um do you know of any Les- Um girls that are gay?”
Or a attempt to bring up gossip that could bring their names into the conversation
“i saw these girls, holding hands the other day, Do you.. Know them?”
The only replies i got where short and slowed like the occasional and definitely my favorite,
“Nooppee” and then continued on there way with a loud exhale. Proving that i not only had become obnoxious but was getting on everyone's nerves by asking the same question with the same unknown answer.
So i gave up, i had found out nothing more than what i had already known, until i brought up the two girls to one of my older friends, she gave me a short list of girls in our school that might be gay and then she told me that there was two super gay girls at our school but that they were together and as if it had been in my face the whole time, Tera and Casey were mentioned.
With their names glued into my head I decided that i would try and find them on instagram or any social media i could think of. It made me feel like a detective, secretive and persistent. In my glory of a new found homestyle career i searched them on Instagram.
There they were. Everything slowed down a bit and i was dragged back into reality, the minute I opened Tera’s Instagram my heart sank a little further down. Her and Casey had seemed to have been together a long time and made enough memories to last them a lifetime. Casey was intriguing and attractive but Tera-she was beautiful, short, angelic and creative in a way that you could see only if you looked at her eyes. I couldn’t understand why I was so curious but I knew that I wanted to explore a little more. I followed them, I shouldn’t of, but I did. Nothing happened for a while but as a week passed Casey added me on Snapchat. Starting off our conversation with
“You’re so pretty” followed with “we should talk,”
Replying with “thank yous” and “you're so sweet”
Creating answers i knew were wrong and crossing boundaries that should of been there. Within a day of meeting casey and talking to her, tera had also added me, except our conversation was within boundaries that were only respectable and consisted of
“hello” and “how was your day?”
And replies such as “good” and “you too”
Lacking the flirt that made casey's conversations so worth it.
I was excited. Disappointed that Tera hadn’t paid me much attention but exited that maybe Casey would. Just as I had wanted Casey paid me attention, a little more each day slowly getting closer to comfortable. Creating a comfortable and something that was strong not as a relationship but as a friendship that understood the push of control. Untill she did something that would change more than just my life and hers, but Teras as well. She left Tera for me, without thinking, without understanding our situation and without knowing why. She told me that I was like no one she had ever met. It made me feel special, but at the same time, my stomach turn because I felt something for Tera. At the time I convinced myself that it was only sympathy and the thought of how Tera might feel. The thing is, I was wrong, deep down I knew I was wrong because something pulled at my heart way more than just sympathy.
As time went by Tera still payed me no attention, other than the nagging about Casey. “How is Casey?” She would ask, “what did you two do?”
She would ask questions I didn’t know how to answer.
“Did you tell her?” “Did you do naked things?”
All questions that made my heart beat a little faster and my brain think a little slower. This continued, continued and continued. Until I got what I had been fantasizing. Until she paid me all the attention in the world, not attention that required answers, not attention that made me wish I could turn myself off, but attention that turned me on. Pressing her soft lips against mine. Sinking my heart into a pit that I knew was being buried. “I shouldn’t..” her hands slid over my body sending warm chills up my spine. “This is wro....” fogging my brain with the commotion of lust. All my thoughts that made me want to fade away turned to ones that crossed boundaries I knew both of us had set. It felt right, she felt right, I felt good and I wanted it.
My body would move with her, my hands explored just as hers did. Leaving us without a breath, and without breath there were no words or thinking, just catching up with the movement of our bare chests. My eyes were still closed, and then as if the moment had been frozen in the air, it replayed in my head, again and again.. each time the fog a little more gone and my head a little bit clearer . What had I done? What had I done to myself? What had I done to Casey.. and to Tera? I hadn’t thought that far and for the most part I didn’t want to think at all. I felt her warm arms wrap around my body and press against me. This was all so wrong but at the same time it felt more right than anything i had ever done.
I still could bring myself to accept the fact of what i had done so I ignored her, doing my best to put up walls so that boundaries could rebuild themselves. I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to build boundaries, I didn’t want the moments to walk out the door. How could i just let it all go after finding the person that fit perfectly into my misshapen life, how could i just ignore her?
I had no choice. I was with someone, i was dating casey. It hurt to think about casey or about tera so I kept on going without feeling, convincing myself I was a robot. And just as i had hopped the days kept going and I’d lay in bed with Casey, she would smile and so would I, She would laugh and I would laugh back, until she was tired and fell into sleep, this time I wouldn’t mimic her, I wouldn’t sleep. I was looking up at the ceiling picturing Tera’s words in my ears. Then I realized that sympathy was only covering the fact that I was in love with Tera, not Casey, but Tera.
Was it really love? Was it even enough to go off and use the word that created so much fear? I didn’t know and I didn’t understand. The moment I could I called Tera. I told her the truth, I told her the closest to the truth that I could.
“Tera listen, you're the person i want to be with and is someone has a problem with it then i don't care’
Her responses were slow and careful, more thought out.
“Ce are you sure this is what you want”
“Yes” i replied with a rushed tone
And then it clicked “i love you”
“I love you too tera”
And with that i did something that would change my life, Casey’s life and Tera’s. Without understanding, without thinking, creating a situation, a situation recreated, a situation that drowned in all the sad and happy tears streaming down my face. It had only been a few weeks and I had gotten myself into a mess, a mess that scared me, a mess that was only a mess to me, a mess that I had never been in, and a mess that would bring me together with the girl i call my whole world.