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Have you heard the going on’s of two months, three weeks, ten days, three hours, 17 minutes, and 16 – er, 17…18…19…20 seconds ago. The entire kingdom has been absolutely buzzing about it! What kingdom you ask? Why, the country of Ckarradash no less! Everyone is talking about a new thing called “A Zimptar story”. Let us go and see!
Come nights dark shroud.
Dusk, tow the moon in.
Raise it from the horizon and let it reign again.
Weave together the cloak of dark you stars!
Lend us your wings.
So that we may fly to Ckarradash.
Call up the seas so that we may ride with my sailor friends.
Come gentle breeze to make the comma trees sway.
Can you see Ckarradash from here?
It looks like…Exactly where we left from!
…Thank you anyway, all.
And to my sailor friends, I shall see you soon…Perhaps after this story.
…Well since that didn’t work I suppose we’ll have to sit on this beach and I’ll tell you myself. Sit on that rock. I’ll make my bed in the sand…Hey! Watch it crab!
Exactly two months, three weeks, ten days, three hours, fifty minutes, and three…four…five! Seconds ago, there was a servant boy named Zimptar. He was young, fairly handsome, and quite foolish. Foolish, because he fell in love with his master. The princess! She loved colors like aqua, purple, teal, gold, green, white, and any other colors you could find on a peacock, and she was ten times fairer than Zimptar! Her name was Princess Lowta.
One day Princess Lowta got an idea stuck in her head that just wouldn’t come out! So she went to her biologically tanned father. “Dingding,” (For that is what they call their fathers in Ckarradash.) “I have a thought that will give me no peace.”
Speak then, Chewchew.” (Chewchew is the word for daughter there also.)
“I can't! Its clogged like a flirains second nose!” It’s quite bothersome to have two noses and one clogged.
“That’s very serious…Hmm…I know what will un-clog you! Lemon zinger tea and lots ‘a hugs!”
“Hooray!” Cheered Princess Lowta running to hug her father. For these were her two favorite things in the world…Besides peacock colors of course.
The king called for the tea to be brought from the kitchen. Now, here is where we see how foolish our dear hero Zimptar, can be. He held the tea tray is such a fashion that it spilled on the floor. “I’ll clean that up!” He promised, merely to stay in the Princess’s presences a while longer. He sat down the tea, on the table, with such loving care as to not scald Princess Lowta if he were to slop again.
Instead of running down the kitchen to get a rag, he acted like he had been born last week and employed yesterday. He grabbed the edge of the table cloth and began to sop up the mess.
“You Rackamasha!!!” (Simple minded thing…to put it mildly…) Roared the king.
But you see, Zimptar was no rackamasha. He knew he’d get to stay even longer if he had to change the table cloth!
“Get out of here!!!” The king screamed. Zimptar’s brilliant plan failed…So he scurried out with his theoretical tale between his legs.
And then the king called after him, “Send another servant to clean this mess up, my rackamasha!” Zimptar’s heart sank even lower.
“…I do believe my thoughts are un-stunk now, Dingding.” Princess Lowta said slowly.
“Hmm? Oh, right. Then speak Chewchew!”
The princess sipped her tea thoughtfully. “To get…”
“What? A pony, a new book, a mirror? What?!”
“…Married!” The princess finally spat out.
“Whatever Lowta wants, Lowta gets!”
So that very day messengers where sent out across the wafer thin and very wide world. (In this place you could dig about 50 feet before hitting the water table. Once you swam through the 12 foot water table, you only had to dig five feet down until you hit outer space and the other side of the world without gravity. We know this because of 50 brave men…God rest their souls.)
Eventually a prince from another country far far far, far…Well not that far…away, came calling. He seemed nice enough…But his kind and cheery disposition masked something far worse than a sappy fairy tale…
One day Princess Lowta and the prince were sitting on the edge of a well…For some random and strange reason…
Having not been brought up with adequate manners…Apparently…The princess said to the prince, “You look kinda greasy…Perhaps you should bathe…” She sniffed him. “You don’t smell half bad though.”
The prince, in a mad rage stood up and said “And perhaps it is you who need a bath!!!” Then he pushed her down the well. A very deep well if you recall. Because once you hit the water table you could swim to any lake in the world…If you could hold your breath that long…
Down, down, down, the princess fell. Had Zimptar not been watching from a yonder tree the dear princess would have hit the water table and never seen again. Zimptar jumped out of the tree and dove into the well…But not before smashing the prince in the gob.
Using what little he knew of aerodynamics Zimptar fell head first, arms forwards, while the princess who had been falling and clawing at the sides of the well, fell a little less quickly. Eventually they caught up with each other. Zimptar grabbed her, held her like a large baby, and then spread his legs to either side of the well. They had stopped at forty-seven feet.
Then Princess Lowta covered his face with kisses. “Don’t ever let me go!” she said pulling herself closer to him.
“But I must. We have to get back up somehow.” The survival part of Zimptar’s brain was the only thing functioning at the time.
“How will dropping me help you?” Princess Lowta asked bitterly.
“It won’t. That’s why I’m not gunna. We have to chimney crawl this cripcrop.”
“I see.” Said the princess. “…It’s a long way up.”
Somehow they managed to get back to back and link arms. They started to climb. At about forty-five feet Princess Lowta asked, “What is your name good sir?”
“Zimptar, I promise you, on my honor, that when we get out of this pit I will marry you!”
Zimptar made a sound between a “Doho”, a contented purr, and a sweet sigh. Unfortunately, in doing so, his muscles relaxed.
“Uh, Zimptar!” The princess exclaimed with great alarm. “Your side is drooping!”
“Oh yes of course. The climbing!”
“Maybe we should sing a song to help us keep in rhythm?” Princess Lowta began belting out an old love song everyone everywhere knew, in her annoying nasalized singing voice. Zimptar joined her in his deep and masculine voice …He was actually quite good…
They came out of the well still locked back to back. They climbed until their toes were securely in place on the edge. Then they unhooked their arms and pushed each other unto the lawn. They both landed face down on opposite sides of the well. Zimptar to the North West and Princess Lowta to the South East.
They stayed like that for a while, panting and trying to regain the strength to go inside and tell the king what happened. It was Lowta who moved first. She crawled to Zimptar’s side. Right before he could drift off to sleep, she kissed him on the mouth. For three seconds he let himself melt into her kiss but then he came to his senses, pushed her away, and said, “By my honor if not your own, Princess Lowta! We are not married yet! This is…Disgraceful!” He caught himself wanting more. “…There’ll…There’ll …There’ll be plenty of time for that later!” He reassured them both, then grabbed Princess Lowta’s hand. “When we’re married.” He said rising
“See, I told you!” The prince said coming out of the door with the king in tow. “I saw them from the window! Princess Lowta told me she wanted some time alone and look what she does!”
“Rackamasha!” The king whispered aloud remembering Zimptar. “…Lowta…Chewchew…Is this true?”
“Is what true?” Lowta asked as innocent and clueless as a newborn baby.
“That you were…” The king trailed off.
“With him.” The prince said looking down his nose at Zimptar.
The princess groaned. “He was helping me up!” On cue Zimptar pulled the princess to her feet.
“Mmh-Hhm.” The prince doubted.
The princess came nose to nose with the prince. “I could tell Dingding some things you did to me.”
Guilt shown in the prince’s face like fire in the dark.
“He pushed me down a well!” Exclaimed the princess to her father. “Zimptar, the one you call ‘Rackamasha’, jumped in after me…I want to marry him!”
“That’s absurd!” Wailed the prince
“What?” No one, not even the king himself, had any idea if he was grasping what was going on, or if he was confused as someone who had walked in on the punch line of a very good joke. “Lemme get this straight. You,” He said turning to Princess Lowta. “Say that the prince pushed you down the well, Rac- I mean, Zimptar, saved you and he only helped you up?”
“You have it…Your highness.” Zimptar tacked on as an afterthought.
“And I want to marry him…Zimptar that is.” Lowta said
“And you say you didn’t do it?” The king asked the prince.
“I did not your majesty.”
“Chewchew, how come you’re not wet?”
“Zimptar caught me before I hit the water table…Then we chimney crawled our way back up.” She replied.
“I see…” Said the king thoughtfully. “…Since there is no crime to be seen, there was no crime. Therefore all is forgiven!” Even though the princess and Zimptar were both covered in moss from the inside of the well and exhausted. “Princess Lowta, you will marry the prince.” Lowta’s jaw dropped. She had never not gotten what she wanted. “Chewchew, you can't be so wishy washy in your affections…Tis the woman’s way I know but…” The king trailed off, then cleared his throat and led everyone back into the castle.
A day later the prince and princess derided to go on a hike in the hills beyond the castle. Zimptar, being the kind of man he was, derided something smelled fishy and it was best to fallow them. Once they had hit a small valley out of view from the castle filled with boulders (Between the sizes of your head to over your head!) The prince turned on Lowta.
“You think you can insult me, blame me, and then dump me for another man?! Witch of pleasure!” (Basically, he called her a hussy.) He lunged at princess Lowta, but Zimptar tackled him from the side. With Zimptar and the prince securely locked in battle, princess Lowta ran back to the castle for help. But instead of getting help, she brought back her father.
“What goes on here?!” He boomed in an angry voice.
Zimptar and the prince instantly stopped wrestling, pulled each other to one another’s feet and dusted themselves off. All for the fear of the king. It is hard to be intimidated by a four foot five inch tall, tan, fat, man…Until he uses that voice.
Since Princess Lowta was the only one not about to wet her knickers, she explained all in one huge gush. “He tried to kill me again!” She yelled pointing at the prince. “But Zimptar, the one you still call ‘rackamasha’, tackled him, saved my life, I ran back to get you, now I want to marry him even more!” She spoke with increasing speed. “Please oh please Dingding!” She begged on her knees, hands clasped in front of her and batted her eyes. “He, meaning the prince.” She jerked her thumb behind her. “Even called me a ‘witch of pleasure’! How can you expect me to marry someone like that?!”
The king pondered this for a moment then swung his arm around his daughter’s slender waist and led her five steps away. In a quiet voice he explained his reasons. “Lowta, you already promised the prince that you would marry him…If you do not his country may wage war.” For you see, Ckarradash is a very large country. So large that it doesn’t have enough people to protect its borders. With a country that large the leader must pray they don’t get attacked.
“…I understand.” Lowta said very solemnly. She hung her head and went to go stand by the prince.
“There now, it’s been sorted out!”
Zimptar was very taken aback and ended up spending the next three days contemplating why princess Lowta would…Would…Would just forget about him for that scum bag of a prince?!...And why was she so sad about it?... Didn’t she want him over him? Or was she one of those girls who couldn’t decide if she wanted him over him or him over him? Zimptar practically drove himself mad running over it again and again! That is until one afternoon’s evening (four o’ clock) the princess called him to her chambers.
“You sent for me?” He asked shutting the door behind himself and attempting to keep the bitterness from his voice.
“I still want to marry you.” She said bluntly. Zimptar couldn’t help but notice she was wearing something like a form fitting, white, toga, with butterfly sleeves, made of flowy fabric. He gulped. (The thing she was wearing was much like a house coat or kimono in Ckarradash but she made it look very good for she was a very pretty woman.)
He chose his words carefully. “What of it?” Zimptar tried to sound non shallont and slightly disinterested.
“So are you going to help me or not?”
“How are we going to get him out of the picture so we can be together?”
“…Well, we could always do like in the stories. Kill the bad guy and do whatever we wanted.” He said half jokingly.
“If we kill him then his country may become angry and wage war…Or he could escape and tell on us, though you look strong enough to crush a human skull in the crook of your arm.”
Zimptar blushed. It was true enough that he was a strong young man.
There was a long pause. Princess Lowta was leaning on her dresser thinking deeply while Zimptar was too busy floating on her complements.
For once the princess used what little brain god gave her. “I know! What if we-…Oh no that’ll never work…”
“What is it?”
“…I was thinking that if I didn’t use perfume of hogspit” (In Ckarradash hogspit makes your breath smell nice.) “for a couple of days then he’d lose interest.” Princess Lowta replied blushing.
Zimptar couldn’t suppress a shutter. “…Wait! I got it! That’s a great idea!”
“If you smell bad and look bad he won’t want to marry and then he’ll go back to his country, peacefully, and we can get married.”
“That’s great!... But wait… Isn’t his ego the reason he’s staying?...I don’t know you’re a guy!” Princess Lowta anxiously biting her nails.
“…You’re…Right…” He said with a sigh. “We could try to catch him in the act?...”
“We’ve tried tha- Oh! You mean like set him up?”
“…He could still start a war.”
“True. The part where you become very un-appealing would work.”
“Alright, I hope we can drive him out! Thank you!” She said flying at Zimptar with a hug. He was slightly taken aback at first, but once he was sure no one was looking he stroked her hair one arm and embraced her with the other.
Princess Lowta didn’t do anything to keep herself clean for a week! You could smell her before you saw her! Her hair was greasy, shiny and stringy. No one could stand to talk to her because of her breath. Not even Zimptar!
One day she and the prince were taking a stroll through the garden. “Your breath smells like a camel, who hadn’t bathed for a week, took a dump in your mouth! He probably peed on you next! After that, he head butted you into a pile of sweaty gym socks!” The prince laughed at his own rude joke.
“…It wasn’t a camel…It was your milong!” (That’s the word for mother in Ckarradash) Replied the princess making sure to speak breathily.
No one insults the prince’s mother! The prince drew his knife and stabbed her in the chest four times…He wiped the blood on her light blue dress, went back inside and called for a servant to bring him some carrot sticks.
It was the king who found her 15 minutes later…He called the doctors. Once they had the situation under control the king went back inside, grabbed his father’s, father’s, father’s, father’s sword and went to where the prince was munching carrots. “Get out of here you quickullya!” His voice rose in volume as he threatened to pierce the prince through the heart. (A quickullya is a mythical creature in Ckarradash that kills for fun but is actually a vegetarian.)
“Uh…Can I finish these?” Asked the prince through a mouthful of carrots, trying to be charmingly stupid.
“No! Get out!” The king pressed on the sword so that it made a minuscule hole in the prince’s shirt.
“Alright! Alright!” Said the prince throwing up his hands.
The king chased the prince out of the castle. He was in such a hurry to get away from the king he mounted his white horse backwards and had to try to direct it back to their country!
Meanwhile, back at the castle, Zimptar was kept busy by scrubbing the floor. He was worried about the princess because she and the prince were more likely than not, seeing each other today. He sighed as he dipped the brush in the bucket once more. Oh well. The king will inform me if something happened to Lowta…Wouldn’t he? I am her fiancé… He thought to himself.
The king rushed to Princess Lowta’s bedside. “Oh my Chewchew! Please be alright!” Begged the king. “I love you so much!” Tears streamed down his face.
“No. It’s me. Dingding.”
“Zimptar.” She moaned.
“…Well…You know what she wants! Get on it!” The king screeched. The nurses tried to make Princess Lowta decent (which is hard to do when someone’s been stabbed in the chest.) while the king himself went to search for Zimptar.
“Rackamasha!” Zimptar turned his head. There was no point in resisting his rude nickname. “Come quickly! Lowta’s been hurt!” The king exclaimed ripping the scrub brush from Zimptar’s hands.
“You heard me! Go!” Zimptar swept the little four foot five inch man up and ran away with him shouting directions in his arms.
“Stop!” The king commanded from Zimptar’s arms when they reached her door. “I want to double check she’s decent.” Zimptar sat him down. “You’re not married to her yet you know.” The king looked up at Zimptar with a weak smile.
“…What happened anyway?” He asked just before the king slid his way through the door. He shut the door and said, “She was stabbed by the prince…”
“…In the chest…Four times…”
Zimptar became so emotional that he stood frozen where he stood. Ten seconds later he shook himself back to reality. “I-is…She…” He gulped. “…Alright?...”
“Let us go and check…Er-uh, lemme go and check.” Two seconds later the king popped out of the door and motioned Zimptar in.
“Zimptar…” The princess moaned.
“I’m here Lowta!” He rushed to her bedside and dropped to his knees.
“Zimptar…” She moaned again.
“I’m here Lowta…I’m here…” He stroked her cheek with the palm of his hand…Which was kind of clammy…
“Take the rag away!” Mumbled the princess. Everyone in the room laughed a little. As for Zimptar, he was infected by the laughter and chuckled nervously then wiped his hands on his thighs. “Zimptar.” She mumbled again.
“I’m here silly!” He said touching her cheek once again. “Right here.”
This time her eyes fluttered open. “Uh hmm hmm…Zimptar!” She yelled throwing her right and pulling him down for a big kiss. Zimptar didn’t kiss her back…His eyes were securely locked on her father.
“Mahmm nahmm hmm!” He pleaded.
The king laughed at his daughter and future son in law, then said “Chewchew, stop harassing Rackamasha!” The king winked at Zimptar, who then melted into a sheepish smile.
Princess Lowta sat up, smoothed out her hair and said, “He has a name, Dingding.”
“I know. Zimptar.”
“WHAT IN THE GREAT NAME OF THE DARK WITCH OF THE WIZARDS IS GOING ON HERE?!?!” Zimptar shouted no longer able to contain his emotion. “I thought you were stabbed in the chest! Fatefully wounded! Going to die!...Not that I’m sad you’re not, but…” He trailed off.
“I was, I am, I’m not going to.” Lowta replied.
“…Nice…”Mumbled the king
“You see, the prince stabbed me in the chest but didn’t hit my heart. If anything he got the lower part of my shoulder. See?” She pulled aside her shirt on her left side using her right hand. Zimptar forced himself to turn his eyes on her rather than the five foot four inch man with a shiny piece of metal on his head that gave him the right to command an entire army.
Sure enough, there were four seeping blood stains on the bandage above her left bosom, but to low to call her shoulder. Zimptar was so over joyed he grabbed her, avoiding her left side, then kissed and hugged her.
Three months later when Princess Lowta was more or less healed they were wed and Zimptar became Prince Zimptar…Or Prince Rackamasha as the king affectionately called him.
So now you know the going on’s of two months, three weeks, ten days, four hours, thirty minutes, and ten…eleven…twelve…thirteen…fourteen seconds ago. A wedding! And the ending to a thing called a Zimptar story…Or rather the beginning…But that was the story…The first chapter, perhaps?...Either way, a Zimptar story is like a Cinderella story only much more better! Through hard work, stalking, and violence, Zimptar achieved his goal and—…And you just fell asleep…Well then…The sun has set…A long time ago…We’d better get home before the tide comes in. Come along…I said: Come along! YO! DO YOU WANT TO BE STUCK ON THAT ROCK WHEN THE SUN COMES UP?!?! ...Very well then…nelehjr out! Peace!