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The Untold Truth
1. The Sleepover
John and I were alone up in his room on a Saturday night. It was around nine. His dad was out of town and his older sister was staying over to watch him and his younger sisters. We were in complete darkness except for the glow and quiet murmur from the TV. We weren’t really watching the T.V. we just had it on so his sister wouldn’t bother us.
The two of us were practically asleep. He was lying on his back I was laying next to him on my side with my head on his chest. He moved his fingers through my dirty blonde hair slowly. I looked up at his brown eyes and he looked down at mine. We smiled at each other and I closed my eyes. He kissed the top of my head and held me close.
I woke up to the sunlight that came into his room. He was still asleep. I moved my hand gently to his face, gently brushing his dark brown hair out of the way. He woke up and met my gaze. He smiled and kissed me gently. I smiled back and realized that I was still over. I wasn’t in any real trouble; my parents were out of town, too.
John and I slowly got out of bed and went down stairs to get something to eat. I looked at the clock. “It’s two in the afternoon!”
“Oh my God, you’re right! I wonder where everyone else is. I would have thought someone would have woken us up.” He looked around the first floor but no one was there.
“Yeah, I thought so too.” We ate and went back up stairs. I still had the whole afternoon and late evening to be with him until my parents came back from their trip. “You’re so lucky that you’re dad’s gone for a few more days.”
“Yeah,” he said while laughing.
“I wish my parents weren’t coming home yet. They take such short trips.”
“Yeah they do. When my dad goes on a trip he’s usually gone for three days or sometimes more.”
“I know it’s unfair.”
“Awe I’m sorry,” he said still slightly laughing. “Hey, why don’t we go jump in the pool and cool off? It’s kind of hot in here.”
“Okay. Let’s go.” We got into our swimsuits and went to his pool. It was sure nice to cool off from the heat. It was pretty hot considering it was only the beginning of June.
My mind was going numb. I was driving home in the moonlight of middle June from John’s house. I wanted to get away from there as soon as possible. I didn’t want to look at him another minute. Even though it was June, I could feel no warmth, but only dampness and cold. I couldn’t feel my heart beat. It was like the stillness in the air, dark and empty. I drove fast through the traffic of the city. I got home and went upstairs to my room. I set my bag down on my white chair and laid down on my bed. I looked up at my ceiling and started to think. I thought he loved me. I thought our love was stronger than others. So I thought until tonight. Tears started forming in my eyes and my vision became blurry. Warm salty teardrops started to come down my face. I didn’t want to let him go, I don’t think he wanted to let me go either. There was only one reason why he did. The one reason, that he did not tell me before I left, crying my eyes out. I figured out on my own. The reason. He’s dying. Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid.
3. The Phone Call
It’s now mid July. My mind is a little at ease but I still can’t stop thinking about him. I know it’s only been a little while since we broke up, but I still love him. He was my world and still is even though we aren’t together anymore. We haven’t spoken since I left his house that one night. I looked at my phone and I got a phone call. I heard a familiar voice on the other end. “Hey, how are you?”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “How are you?”
“Been better,” he said.
“I’m sorry. What’s wrong?”
“Eh, the doctors are telling me all this crap and it’s annoying me. I’m sick of them. Why don’t they let nature take its’ course you know.”
“Yea, I guess.” I thought about what I said after I said it and thought I was stupid to say that.
“I miss talking to you,” he said.
“I miss talking to you too.” I was so happy that he called. It was nice to hear his voice.
“I’m sorry I would have called sooner, I was just really stressed and everything.”
“It’s okay, I understand.”
“Yes, of course.” Of course I would understand. I always understood.
“Thank you!” He sounded glad that I understood. I was glad, too.
We talked for the rest of the night until early morning. His dad came in his room and told him to get off the phone because it was real late and he had to get up early for a doctor’s appointment. We said our good-byes and hung up the phone.
That night I couldn’t fall asleep. I was too happy that I talked to him again. I finally fell asleep and woke up early afternoon. I was happy and was hoping that we’d talk again. Since it was still summer it was hard trying to find things to do when I had so much time before he would get on. I watched TV. Not much was on. There was something on the food network but that got boring. I switched to reading my book. I read for a while then my mom wanted me to go for a walk with her. So we went out and walked around the track by our house for a while. I looked around outside at the clouds and the park that my mom and I were walking around. We came back after an hour. I decided to then take a shower. I got undressed and went into the bathroom and started the water.
Later that evening, I was sitting on my bed watching TV (again), and I got an I.M. It was from him.
I was glad we talked for hours and hours for the past two days. I felt way better than I have felt for a while. He just somehow makes everything better for me. He’s said that I make everything better for him too and I am happy I do. I still miss being his but I am way happier that we are at least friends. It’s nice just talking to him. It always makes my day better.
4. I’m Stupid
I didn’t want to do it. It hurt me so much to let her go and it hurt me more that I had to hurt her. I just didn’t want her to go through that. It would be so hard if the doctors said “sorry nothing’s working.” It would be so hard to tell her. I don’t know if I could explain it to her even. It would just hurt me so much. I love her too much to let her go through that. I don’t want to leave her that way. I know she loves me so much and that won’t change, just like my love for her won’t, but I just thought it would be less hard on her this way. I know that I did make a mistake and I am truly sorry but I know that sorry doesn’t cut it and it’s really not okay. Why do I have to keep living? Why can’t I just die? Come sweet death! be persuaded O beautiful death! In mercy come quickly. Show me the song of me rising from bed and meeting the sun. Them singing, with open mouths, their strong melodious songs.
5. The Break up
I remember the last time I saw her. She was over at my house and we were hanging out. We took a walk around the neighborhood by my house and enjoyed the fresh night air. We were happy that we were together like always. I started thinking earlier in the week about how to tell her. It was hard and I really didn’t know how to tell her. I thought I shouldn’t tell her really why I was breaking up with her. Maybe that will hurt her less. I wasn’t so sure but I thought I’d try anyway.
We walked back to my house and went up to my room. She walked in first and sat on my bed. She looked at me with her beautiful light blue eyes and smiled her gorgeous smile. That made me a little more nervous but I smiled back anyway. I slowly came toward my bed and sat next to her. She kept smiling at me and rested her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her and hugged her tight, knowing that this could be the last time I’d hug her this way. I kissed her forehead and let the moment last for a few minutes. I turned toward her and took her hands. “I want to talk to you about something…”
“What is it?” she asked. She didn’t know what I was thinking yet. That was good. I think.
“Well, I’ve been thinking…and I don’t know if…I don’t know how to tell you…I just…”
“You want to break up?” she said sounding like she was about to cry. A lot.
“Well…yeah kind of…it’s really hard to explain and…I don’t know this is just so hard for me.”
“Then why are you trying to?”
“I just am done. I’m done with the stuff that’s happened and it still hurts me.”
“I thought you were over it.” She looked straight into my eyes.
“I really wasn’t. I thought that if I brought it up again you’d lie to me.”
“I’m not going to lie to you John, I love you too much to do that.”
I was starting to hurt now. She was making this harder for me. “I just am done. I’m sorry Stephanie. I just can’t do it anymore.”
“You’re giving up. I thought you wouldn’t. Why are you doing this?” She started to get mad. Tears were forming in her eyes.
“I told you. I can’t do it anymore.”
“I thought you wouldn’t do this to me. I thought you loved me.” She got up and started to walk out the door of my room. I looked at her and she looked at me. One look but I gave which your dear eyes return’d with a look I shall never forget. She walked away and left my house. I heard the front door slam shut as she left. I gazed out my window and saw her get into her car and drive away. I started sobbing. What have I done? Why am I so stupid! I just let go the one person that I loved more than any person I have ever loved before in my life. And life was over there, with her. God why I am so stupid!
6. The Nightmare
One night I was sitting home alone in my room. I was thinking about her. I was thinking about how much I missed her and that I haven’t talked to her for a while. I decided to call her. I was a little nervous at first but I got past that and called her. My dad came in to tell me to get off and go to bed. I didn’t really want to but I knew if I fought with him he’d yell. I told her I had to go and we said good-bye and hung up the phone. It was really nice to hear her voice again. I really missed her. I hope I will be able to talk to her tomorrow.
I started to get ready for bed. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I got into my pajamas and layed down on my bed. I layed there under my soft brown covers for maybe two hours. All I could do for the two hours was stare at the ceiling and think about how much I missed her. All the memories we had were playing through my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I miss calling her mine and how much she means to me.
I eventually fell asleep. I didn’t sleep well though. I had a nightmare. I was at the hospital in an exam room. It was very cold and very bright. I couldn’t see much. I was lying in the hospital bed when I saw the doctor approach me. He had a strange look on his face. What freaked me out the most was that he was coming near me with a sharp surgical knife. He kept walking closer and closer. Slowly he made his way to the bed his face still in the creepy look. He started chanting something. I could hardly understand the words, the bright lights were giving me a headache but I did hear this: and his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming. I saw him move his arms far back as possible and down toward me so fast I could hardly see them move.
I woke up sweating. I wiped my hands over my face and looked up at my clock. It was seven a.m. Time to wake up. I slowly got out of bed and jumped into the shower so I could relax. That was a scary dream. I could still see it in my head. The bright lights, the doctor, the knife. It freaked me out. I was nervous to go to the doctor today.
I got out of the shower and went back to my room to get dressed. I was about finished getting ready when my dad called me from downstairs to get in the car. It was time to go.
7. The Party
For some reason my dad was having a party. The neighbors rustle in. Mostly the neighbors around my neighborhood were invited. The rest of my family came too, even though my mom doesn’t get along very well with my dad she came. He must’ve invited her. I was up in my room lying on my bed thinking when my dad came in. He told me that I should help him with food and that I should stay down there for a while and be with the guests. This was going to be boring. He also told me that a surprise was coming for me. I was confused. What could he be talking about? “A surprise?” What? I went down stairs and saw my mom and my other sisters. I saw our next-door neighbors and the people down the street that I did not know too well. Then someone walked in. She had beautiful blue eyes and a gorgeous smile. It was Stephanie. This must have been the surprise my dad was talking about. I was so nervous that she was over. Why was she over here? I didn’t know if I was ready to see her in person again. I was too ashamed and nervous.
She saw me looking at her and she smiled at me. I smiled back unaware that she was making her way over to me. “Hi John” she said with that smile still on her face.
“H-h-hi,” I said nervously.
“I know you’re probably wondering what I’m doing here,” she said laughing a little. I loved her laugh. It was so cute and so her face when she laughed.
“Yeah I am kind of wondering that,” I said laughing a little too.
“You’re dad invited me. He thought that it would be nice if we saw each other again.”
“Oh.” I said, still slightly nervous. I wasn’t expecting that. I was a little uncomfortable but I thought that me being uncomfortable was stupid. It’s her. Why should I be uncomfortable? I shouldn’t be. I walked with her upstairs to my room. We sat on my bed and started talking. “I’m glad that you came.”
“I am too. I really didn’t think I was going to see you again.” That did hurt that she said that even though I thought the same thing.
“To tell you the truth I thought that too,” I said rubbing the back of my neck with my hand.
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. I looked into her sparkling eyes. They looked sad. I’m guessing my eyes looked sad too because she was looking at me the way I was looking at her. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Umm…yeah I’m fine.” I could tell she was lying. She was just as sad as I was. Thinking about the times we’ve had. That oppresses, like the weight of many pianos falling on top of me. I couldn’t stand to see her sad and the day she left I was so distraught from the look that she gave me. “I really miss you John.”
“I really miss you too. I miss having you in my life the way we were before all this.” I didn’t care that I was dieing anymore. I just wanted to be with her again.
“I do too. My life seems empty without you. I just wish we were back in our life’s that way.”
“Then yours and mine should be. We’re supposed to be. I want to be with you more than anything Stephanie. I love you so much.”
“I love you so much too John.” We both started crying and hugged each other tight and did not let go. We stayed in my room for the next hour and we finally were back together. At least we got this all fixed. If we stayed silent I don’t know what would have happened. I would have never forgiven myself if I never did what I just did. I loved her and that’s all that really mattered. So what if I was dieing. I should be living my life with the person that I love rather than push her away. There was no reason to keep quiet. Silence poisons the soul.