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EC-AM=Heartbreak Chapter 6
February 15, 2010
I woke up, and let out a deep yawn, stretching my arms up above my head. Then I grabbed my diary off of my nightstand and opened it up to write in an entry. But it seemed that someone already had.
I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. But you know that I have a bit of a temper.
By the way, I know that you’re feeling really lonely right now, and I’m very sorry that you feel that way. Believe me, I don’t want you to feel alone. I know that my mom kept you company, so it’s kind of hard for you now that she’s gone. And I’d like to thank you for taking care of her too. I’m really grateful for that.
But I’d just like you to know that you don’t have to feel alone. You and I can still be together. Like I said, I’m with you all the time. I just have to know that you’re ok. I couldn’t bear to know that you got hurt and I wasn’t there to protect you. I’d also like you to know that I still love you very much, and I just want you to be happy. More than anything, I want you to be happy. And I know for a fact that Cole will not make you happy.
He doesn’t care about you the way I do. He wouldn’t give his life for you the way I would. I wish you could see that, I really do. And I don’t want you to be upset that he has a new girlfriend, because he’s not worth your tears. He doesn’t deserve you, Evalynne. He’s not good enough for you. Please just trust me enough to stay away from him. Believe me, it’s for your own good.
But if you ever do find yourself wishing that you chose him, or wanting to be with him rather than me, just remember why you chose me in the first place. Remember why you married me. Remember how much I care about you. I love you, and I’m always with you.
I could barely make out the last line of what he wrote through my tears. After reading this letter, I realized how much I actually did love Ash. And I wished with all of my heart that he were still alive. He really did love me, more than anyone, even Cole. And I knew that.
But I just couldn’t spend the rest of my life trying to live up to his expectations. I couldn’t spend my entire life trying to be faithful to him when he was dead. I was only eighteen years old. I still had my whole life ahead of me, and I didn’t want to waste it feeling lonely and guilty.
I loved Ash with all of my heart, but if I wanted to be happy, I knew I had to get over him. Which meant that he had to stop appearing out of nowhere all the time. He was making me feel so guilty, so remorseful. It was almost like he was actually trying to guilt me out of being with Cole. Not that I was able to anymore, considering he’d found someone else.
It still hurt to think about that. Especially since I was so close to having him for myself. I felt so stupid for letting him slip away like that. I felt awful to admit it, but I actually kind of thought that Ash’s death was a sign that I was supposed to be with Cole.
I knew it was terrible for me to feel that way, considering how in love I was with Ash, but I just couldn’t help it. But then again, maybe it was a sign that I was meant to end up alone, that I didn’t deserve either one of them.
Yesterday night, Kristy had called me to make sure everything was ok with Lori. Of course when I told her she’d died, she told me how sorry she was and asked if I was ok. And I’d told her that I was fine. But it was a lie.
I was ok about Lori’s death. I was never really all that close to her anyways. But I was definitely not ok about Cole and his new girlfriend. I knew it was selfish of me, but I couldn’t control the way I felt.
And I wanted so badly to tell Kristy all about my feelings for Cole, but for some reason, I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Cole was Kristy’s cousin, and I didn’t want to put her in the middle of all this drama. After everything that happened between us because of Ash, I just didn’t want to risk losing her once again.
I wasn’t sure why my thoughts had just jumped from Ash to Kristy like that, but I was pretty sure it was because of how scattered all of my thoughts were at the moment. I had so much on my mind that it felt as if it were overflowing. I couldn’t handle all of this stress. It was way too much for me.
I just wanted to pour out all of my thoughts and feelings to someone. Not a psychiatrist or anything. There was no way I was going to go to some random stranger’s office and tell them all of my deep and personal thoughts and emotions.
What I needed was to tell all of this to Kristy. So without really thinking about it, I picked up my cell phone and dialed in her number.
“Hey, what’s up?” she answered.
“Hey, I really need to talk to you. Can you meet me at Sadie’s? I can’t tell you everything over the phone.” I replied.
“Of course, I’ll be there in ten.”
“Ok, thanks.” We both hung up, and I got to my feet. I quickly got dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and was about to walk downstairs. But before I did, I grabbed my diary. If I was going to tell her about my visits from Ash’s ghost, I had to have some proof so she wouldn’t think I was crazy.
Then I walked downstairs, slipped on my black Converse, and headed out the door.