She flicked the lighter on and off, staring mesmerized at the flame. Long legs folded beneath her, curled up on the old raggedy couch, weathered from elemental abuse and uncaring keepers. I was just as entranced by her, my own personal fixation I couldn’t seem to break from. You told me I had no clue what I had in store, but I told you I knew exactly what I was here for.

Her emerald eyes danced along with the spark, on and off, on and off, wavering against her heavy breath. Her eyelashes casted a shadow across her cheeks, caressing them ever so gently. Her face was pink from the frigid night air, contrasting her usually smooth alabaster skin. The wind whipped harshly around us on the other side of the tattered screen surrounding our little sanctuary, throwing her dark wild curls all about. The temperature had continued to drop ever since the sun began its decent behind the mountainside hours ago and tiny ice flecks have been making their way through the gaps in the screen against my fingers and cheeks.

My hands shook as I lifted the half- lit stogie to my frozen lips. She had asked me why I was staring at her and I had no answer, only a smile to give her. She threw her head back, quickly and gracefully, breaking her spell on the plastic Bic lighter, laughing as though something genuinely humorous happened. I nodded toward the door, inquiring if she wanted to go in and she shook her head slowly, staring at me intently. She told me that we didn’t need any attention. I should have inquired about protection. She held herself with an unlicensed honor, a professional in a world of amateurs. She rummaged next to her side of the couch and pulled a torn up Wal-Mart-special purse onto her lap. She dug through it for a moment before pulling a small wrinkled plastic bag out. I couldn’t see it very clearly but it looked like little broken up bits of smoky looking rocks.  She then took out a wadded up rag and began to unravel it. A fragile glass pipe rolled out, not even 5 inches in length, and she gently lifted it like a cherished lover.

She smiled, differently then before, with an almost smothering brightness.  This time I saw a change though. The way her eyes now gave an illusion of something with an utmost nebulous draw. Something that made me want to run away and hide but couldn’t because I felt like I was destined to sit here in this moment and the next. I couldn’t move from my chair even as she carefully tapped some of the cloudy fragments into the small hole at the top of the glass pipe. I was trapped where I was, scared to breath in fear of the moment withdrawing back into the darkest space in my mind where the shadow of myself hid. I was terrified to lose this.

My breath was caught in my throat and I struggled to swallow before I choked.  She locked her eyes with mine as she carefully brought the pipe to her soft mouth. One flick and she brushed a flame to the belly of the pipe, where smoke started to whirl within the glass. She took a deep breath and held in that place for a few more moments before closing her eyes and collapsing in on herself. I saw her losing her mind, and I couldn’t even blame her. She had brought the pipe away from her face and she rested her hand on the ruined arm of the couch. I don’t now how long we sat there, in utter silence, before she painstakingly raised her arm in offering to me.

I sat for a breath, contemplating everything I held on this earth as my very own. Countless faces and places ran through to the back of my eyes, but no matter how much my mind had screamed to put my hand down, I saw myself reaching. Reaching toward her, the pipe, the little bag tucked between her soft thighs. There is so much more for the world to reveal and I don’t want to be concealed anymore.  I want to know where she learned to smile, learned to hide her soul from her eyes. I need something to hold onto when I reach the top, because falling is unacceptable.

You said it yourself; you wanna be high for this.

This is professional. My throat is too dry to say this but I think she knows.  We’re in a nobody town and I’m making my break. This tiny glass pipe that’s so much lighter then my imagination could have told me. It’s my key to everything. I want to have it made like she had it made. So high up of the ground, I can almost tell myself there’s no such thing as a crash. I won’t be scared any longer.

So I go for it. A simple tweak of the lighter for a tweak of the night. Deep breathe, held longer, because it’s my first point to prove. I’m not finished. I need to reach the top, and up here I can see why you’re losing your mind. I don’t blame you. I’m trying to sell mine for a pack and two hits. I wonder if you know any takers.

I feel the smoke claw its way down my throat. The pain is much sweeter than I thought. It stops all the air, stealing my breath. But that’s okay. I just close my eyes.

I felt myself falling back, hitting the chair’s back. I’m not sure what to say, it hits harder than I thought. I’m not sure whether I should have cursed her or praised her. All those nights she barely made it, barely held her own. I understand now. It’s almost poetic when I really think about. In the bindings of my mind I thought the pureness of the world was the only true liberty of the human spirit. But here, in this space, I find that true freedom was in this cage all along. The wind stopped by this time; the only movement was the whirlwind in my mind. All the questions were answered in that moment, and I loved it. You loved it; this love was more than anything ever felt before.

I felt the universe shift then. Like all the strings that connected me to this world, the people and places and things, they all snapped instantly. All that was left was the singular strand to this feeling.  The high was beautiful, I could feel my demons reaching for me though, and their fingers had brushed against the soles of my feet as I soared higher. I knew it was a matter of time, but at the same I couldn’t think about anywhere else then up there. They waited for me, knowing it was only a matter of time till I came to them. Strictly professional, I could hear myself saying to them trying to make them understand.

You opened your hand and took the glass. You said don’t be scared. I want to tell I’m here, right here. Sitting at the peak, and I want to promise you; we’ll be good. I swear we’ll be good.
…
I can hear the demons breathing now. I can’t tell how long it’s been, but it feels like years. Everything’s getting hot and I can’t breath. Why are your eyes still closed? How come you can sleep? It’s your fault that I’m in this. I don’t want to spend the night alone but we both knew how this would end. I see your lips moving but I can’t hear you. What do you want? I thought I knew, but you never told me you were such a masochist. I thought you gave me a chance, but now I’m not so sure. I hear you now. You asked me not to leave your little life, but I don’t see a life worth living down here in the pits you brought me to.
No, no, no, no. I don’t believe you.

Tell me you love me. Now before it’s too late. I can’t feel the ice rain anymore. I can’t feel anything. You brought the drugs and I brought my pain. What a match. You brought your body, thinking it would get you fame. I just wanted to ove you. I need confidence in myself, if anything I’ve learned that. I want to you to tell me you love me, even though you don’t love me. But I can’t seem to find a point. The demons are telling me it’s your fault.

Don’t worry I know the truth. Now the madness is the only love you let yourself embrace. You adapted to the rock, living out a pipe dream. You take it in like water; I take it in like you. You told me all is fair in love and war and I can only picture you as pure. Pure as the s*** that we’re smoking. For a moment I think you might be the one, than I remember that I only have room for the other. Another light means another sorrow burned. I’m reaching toward you now.

Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? I bet you will never feel this pretty, no you could never feel this beautiful. There are something’s that I’ve come to understand. Expectations can kill a simple man, so I’ve evaded simplicity for something greater.

The come down would be the end of someone lesser. I can do it. Will you do it with me? I want you to. Just look at me now. I’ll always want you when I'm coming down.

I see your eyes again and the crash gets deeper. There are no words to describe the depth of you indifference. You’ve stranded me here, alone in this hell. The demons are no good for company. They’ve found my soul too barren to take joy in tormenting. Is this what you want? It’s what you want. Is this what you want? Can’t you see? I’m what you need to get through this. I’ll be the drug in you veins, just help me fight through the pain. You look afraid. I can see your lips quivering and it’s not from the cold. Don’t look away, please; I need to see it all. I know what your feeling, I swear I’m right here. I’m right here. Who said you could leave?

Open your hand, take the glass and don’t be scared. Trust me girl, you want to be high for this.