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So many tears,
So much pain.
So much blood,
It happened again...
My vision blurred as I took another deep breath, it didn't help any. I still felt my heart ache and throb as the cruel words cut into my nerves. So many times I had looked in the mirror and pulled at my skin, I ripped chunks away, I slowly drained the pounds off until I thought that I was perfect.
But then they only looked at me worse, now I wasn't a puffy and gross, now I was bony and gross.
I was a only a shadow of what I used to be.
And I thought that shrinking would set me free.
But now I'm only caged further inside.
Who knew that perfection would only be a lie?
I wiped my hair back and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyeliner was running and my face was flustered, reddened hues varying in intensity. My eyes were puffy and bloodshot and my mouth was twisted into a frown while tears and snot slid past my lips.
This was a nightmare,
But this was reality.
I saw behind it now,
I saw the reason why I cry.
No matter what I did, nothing would ever get better. They would still crowd around me, even in my dreams, and slap me with the truth. I was fat and I was ugly, I was bony and I was ugly, I was just...ugly.
I couldn't mend the damage I had done to myself, it had just made things worse. I couldn't take facing anyone anymore, I was tired of waiting for things to make sense, I was broken and there was no going back now. I looked in the cabinet behind the mirror and pulled out a razor blade from it's safe hiding place.
I slid to the floor and took a deep breath. I was surprised by how calm I was now, now all the pieces were starting to fall into place. I held the blade to my wrist and slowly but firmly slid it down my arm.
Sharp red drops of relieving pain,
Cleaning up the mess I unknowingly made.
No one needs to know why I'm saying goodbye,
All they need to know is that I really did try.
Ahh it stung at first but then the deeper I would cut, the more it started to numb itself. I tried to do the same thing to the other arm, but it wasn't as deep. Soon I had fallen on the floor and I felt slow tears slide out of my eyes, I wasn't even trying to cry. It didn't really hurt anymore, none of it did. I felt like I was on a cloud, everything was through a soft cotton filter. My eyes were growing heavy and I just let them drop.
I felt myself not existing anymore.
And when they find the colors of my life blending,
Maybe then they'll know not every story has a happy ending...