Welcome to Hell, Literally | Teen Ink

Welcome to Hell, Literally

January 14, 2012
By rosieposie GOLD, Fountain Valley, California
rosieposie GOLD, Fountain Valley, California
13 articles 17 photos 1 comment

On a particularly warm day in the Land of the Dead, the screeching tires of an extravagant limousine could be heard outside the sliding doors of Hell (Yes, Hades tries to keep up with modern society). It was no surprise of course that the side of the limo donned a banner that read “Brotherhood of Politicians, BP” (there couldn’t possibly be any connection to the oil company, could there?). Hades was delighted at the arrival because he had to turn down the Bi-Annual Textbook Writers Conference (and they know how to throw a party) in order to host their first ever convention. The Underworld was their ideal venue, due to its space, warmth, and the fact that all deceased politicians resided just a few feet away and could join the festivities.

Hades had planned all week for this occasion by teaching his pet, Cerberus, new tricks and outfitting himself with a new pitchfork--this one personalized. He even went the extra mile by placing conversation-starter cards near the punch bowl, each adorned with a different domestic issue (international for those who really wanted a challenge). Oh, he was ready for anything. And just as an added bonus, Persephone stopped by the convention on her way back up to Mount Olympus, which gave Hades a chance to show off his much-too-young-for-him trophy wife, just like all the other politicians.

The convention began with the registering of each plumply round, white-haired man who stepped out of that limousine. Check-in required name, age, office tenure, amount of embezzled money, and political party (although all were Republican).

Finally, the actual meetings and lectures commenced with seminars entitled, “How to Further Steer America in the Wrong Direction,” “Ways to Raise Taxes, But Still Hike Up the National Debt,” and the ever-popular, “Infamous.” The latter lecture teaches politicians how to commit large-scale crimes, go to trial, and ultimately…indictment, thus achieving infamy (the main goal in the World of Politics).

The rest of the convention included sharing Ponzi scheme ideas, deciding which interns to have affairs with, and gaining the support of multitudes of people, while still being scumbags. Hades even gave them some advice on how to sin and be evil. And big highlights of the evening were speeches by Rod Blagojevich, Bernie Madoff, Eliot Spitzer, and the Late, Not-so-Great Aaron Burr.

Then came the hard work: choosing a successor. This was why they decided to hold this get-together in the first place (along with the fact that the Democrats had been raving about theirs on Facebook). And the trickiest part was that their candidate (puppet) was to face off against Al Gore; there was no possible way to defeat him. Even the deceased had no idea who could be lucky enough to pull through. Suddenly, one brave man stood up, the youngest of them all (52 years old), ready to voice his opinion: “Hey, why don’t we just submit this guy from Texas, he’s a real ‘Clueless Joe’. No one would ever vote for someone as unqualified as him, but the investors don’t know that. They’ll donate all kinds of money just so they can be attached to the ‘winning ticket’. Writers can convince people of anything these days. Kinda like in Mel Brooks’ The Producers, he’s the flop and we’ll make a ton of money from endorsements. What could go wrong?” Well, none of them really thought the proposition out, but unanimously agreed and declared, “On with the merriment!”
Thus, the night concluded with a huge dance party amid music provided by permanent resident, Michael Jackson. The legislators were so pumped from the day’s collaborations that they headed straight back up to the Land of the Living to implement what they learned. Hades wished them luck and gave his support for their future endeavors.
Two weeks later, Republicans, Democrats, and Independents alike released a deep sigh of worry, for they knew the subsequent years would be devastating…newspaper headlines across America read “George W. Bush Wins Presidential Election.”

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This article has 2 comments.

on Jan. 23 2012 at 6:21 pm
rosieposie GOLD, Fountain Valley, California
13 articles 17 photos 1 comment
I'm glad you liked it! & thanks for the input! :)

Genya GOLD said...
on Jan. 22 2012 at 4:25 pm
Genya GOLD, Bridgewater, New Jersey
10 articles 0 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics."-Unknown Author

This is actually kind of funny. If you stress the humor, you will go far. Kind of like a crack-fic. :) I'm glad you used a non-Christian reference, and specifically politics.