My Own Story behind "Dear Old Nicki" | Teen Ink

My Own Story behind "Dear Old Nicki"

January 27, 2011
By Trulie GOLD, Beltsville, Maryland
Trulie GOLD, Beltsville, Maryland
10 articles 10 photos 51 comments

Maybe you died cause everybody ask me where you at:

It was the dead of the night and I was finally coming home from a long flight from LA. The first person I wanted to see made me want to yell at the cab driver to go faster, it was urgent. I wanted to see that beautiful face again. The one face I had truly missed all this time. I would have never admitted it your face. We were such good friends, we got along so well, and I didn’t want to break the unique bond we had if I had tried to push the truth about I how I felt. I wanted you to start it anyway, if you had felt anything. But now all that’s happening is my phone and inbox being blown up asking if I have seen you yet. I hope you’re Ok, but these messages are worrying me.
I try to channel you in hopes that I could steer you back:

All I had been doing this week was trying to call you. I waited up for you to go on chat. I send you a random text that could start up a conversation. I sent everyone an announcement I was coming back, going to quit my life in the limelight because I knew that was in everyone’s best interest, including yours and mine. It was a life I never wanted. I knew you were upset about it, but you were always one to hide your emotions. And at the time acting had been my life, and I had that amazing talent. But things change. I want to hear your voice. I want to know you’re happy.
But it’s like every intersection we just missed each other:

I’m sorry I haven’t done much to talk to you and for the times I brushed you off. I got caught up in everything. I was confused. But I know I can’t make excuses. I have no good one. But I’m not sure I’m the only one to blame. For the few efforts I made I think you should have came to the parties. Or the times I you could have practiced my audition pieces. Times are hard though. I understand.
You got your fans waiting tell me you ain’t six feet under:

I remember when we tried starting a band when we were younger. And how everyone just loved our music. I had been hearing a lot of the continuation of the band even while I was out in LA, but in the past few months I haven’t heard anything. Don’t tell me you gave up. You were amazing at it. When I get to your house I don’t want to see an empty space where the amps were.
And tell me that you’re coming back and you just took a break:

You never took a break from music. Because music never gave up on you. Cliché, I know. I remember any spare time you had, you practiced. You practiced, even when you knew it by heart. You would make up random beats that suddenly flashed in your head and you played it like you knew it for years and years. But I see why you would. I got mad at you and always started the drama in our band. I never even had a legit reason. Truth is, I never liked practice. Never. I hated doing all those drills even though I knew them by heart. All I cared about was the final performance. I didn’t realize that performance needs good practice.
Maybe I blamed you for everything that was my mistake:

Aside from music, I shouldn’t have blamed you for the things I did. I point fingers a lot. I didn’t know how to act around you.
In hindsight I loved your rawness and I loved your edge:

Your middle name was Daring. Anything that seemed attractively dangerous, you would do. You were the first person to take me zip lining and rock climbing. I would have never considered doing either of these things, but they were dangerous to you, and I was the one to come along. And I won’t lie. Those were the best days of my life. Because whatever stress I was having was irrelevant and I just enjoyed myself that day. And I loved how you were willing to speak your mind when no one else would.
Cuz it was you who talked me down from jumping off the ledge:

You were the one who pulled me through the times I would cry myself to sleep. You really showed you had a heart for me. It was you who showed me if I take that one step it really wasn’t gonna be so bad. And you always showed me if I was gonna start running into a brick wall. You were there when I was afraid.
Your earrings bamboo, your long nails too, your BMW, every time you came through:

You was the brave heart, you stole Wayne heart:

You stole my heart too.
You never switched it up, you played the same part:

You weren’t totally like me. You wouldn’t change just to make other people happy. Or because they criticized or judge you. You never changed. Because the more you changed, the more you stayed the same. And I liked that you stayed the same.
But I needed to grow, and I needed to know:

Obviously I needed to make room for improvement and realize the truth about reality. Maybe I wasn’t ready for you at the time. We always made a joke that I was one year too old and you were one year too young, and how it balanced out our ages. But looking back it should be the other way around.
But there’s some things inside of me that I needed to show:

I was too embarrassed when I realized how I really felt. So I did all I could to hide those feelings. I thought it worked. I could tell you were sensing something, but at times you are hard to read. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if you were just being friendly or if you were implying something more. So on this point; I think we’re even because we were both hiding something from each other. I was good at pulling it off though, because I am a very open person.
So I just deaded you, left you in all black. But dear old Nicki please call black:

This was why I sometimes ignored you. Because I didn’t want you to get suspicious that I had feelings for you, and you ask me. I thought it would make it awkward but maybe the whole time you never would have suspected anything.
You’d told me you’d come when I needed you and you said it so sweetly I believed you:

The sweet person you were.
But I’m standing here calling I can’t see you:

I need you. I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice, feel your embrace. It was the thing I missed most when I made it big.
But I am holding you, holding you, holding you, to that:

It wouldn’t be right to break that promise.
Yo, did I chase the glitz, the glamour, money, fame, and power? Cuz if so that will forever go down my lamest hour:

I’m pretty sure that’s how everyone saw me when I made it big: that I though I loved acting I was in more for the life that came with it. The limelight. The endless cash. I knew no one wanted me to be the next Britney or Miley, and I tried to assure you guys I wouldn’t go crazy. I still did in some ways, but I realized how unfulfilling the life was. So I just pursued the life of acting instead. But the paparazzi was still gonna be out there and they weren’t gonna stop. When I got that first offer, I could tell you were really freaking out. I was gonna see less and less of you, but I didn’t realize that. I was so blind and lame.
I should’ve kept you with me getting at the nameless cowards:

It would have been great to have you by my side. You would have been there for me, just like the ways I had been there for you. And you would have helped me fight off all those random haters I never knew who had no good reason to hate me. I was never 100% good at defending myself and I always took the crap.
They was no match for you, couldn’t defeat your powers:

If they saw you, they would just fall to the ground. You could easily defeat them. I could’ve had a more private life.
I had to make them changes, I hope you understood:

I wish I never made some of those changes for the media. I was under so much pressure. I gave in to what everyone else wanted what a fool of me.
You see for every bad, I did a ton of good:

I wanted you to notice that part. I tried making up for all the mistakes I made. I even went into philanthropy. I don’t know if that was enough though. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were unsatisfied. I was unsatisfied with myself. I didn’t know what to do. I thought no one would be able to understand or help me. I believed this because that was what had happened every other time. It wouldn’t have helped to keep it inside, either though. But that was when communication with my old life had started to break off. I was lost, I was confused. I didn’t know what I was doing at all.
But you was underground, and I was mainstream:

Underground and mainstream is a big reach, because they cancel each other out. Maybe you didn’t pay detail-by-detail attention to me.
I live the life now that we would daydream:

At the same time, I have a feeling you did want to share this life with me. Because more attention would be on me, not you, and you could be my escort, just as an innocent bystander. Everyone would want to have this life though. Some deserve it. Some don’t. I obviously don’t because I can’t stand it much longer.
My only wish is you come enjoy with me:

Sharing you the life of glitz and glamour would have been the only thing that mattered looking back.
Get on them conference calls go meet the lawyers with me:

The money came yeah I tripled and quadrupled it but I still miss us when we was on some stupid s***:

My bank account will burst. I do miss it when I actually had to work for money. I felt good about it. Then I would spend it, and have to start over. But now, I’m not working on this, and all this money is coming out of nowhere. I feel guilty to be having all this money. I don’t need it all.
And still f*** the media they ridiculed you, never believed in you:

The media never believed in anyone.
They just deaded you left you in all black but dear old Nicki, please call back:

Like really. Call back. I’m afraid you’ve gone missing.

You’d told me you’d come when I needed you and you said it so sweetly I believed you:

The sweet person you were.
But I’m standing here calling I can’t see you:

I need you. I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice, feel your embrace. It was the thing I missed most when I made it big.
But I am holding you, holding you, holding you, to that:

It wouldn’t be right to break that promise.
Yes I’m holding you, holding you…..


I have no idea where to go from hear. *phone rings*


“I’d told you I’d come when you needed me.”

The author's comments:
Behind every song, can be an entire story. "Dear Old Nicki" by Nicki Minaj drew hundreds of possible stories for me, but I chose this one because it was the one that stood out to me most.

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