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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1989 comments.

artfullymade14 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 10 2011 at 9:34 am
artfullymade14 BRONZE, Chesapeak, Virginia
2 articles 5 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Live as if you&#039;ll die tomorrow, dream as if you&#039;ll live forever.&quot;<br /> -Unknown Author

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Im a huge twilight fan and this was hilarious :) I think I just might film this with my friends for fun :) and the edward "Oops" part was the best
Zeeny PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 9 2011 at 8:32 am
Zeeny PLATINUM, Staten Island, New York
37 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;When someone truly cares about you, they make an effort not an excuse&quot;

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This story was actually hilarious. Please write more. I absolutely love it
Paradise_Lost BRONZE said...
on Nov. 8 2011 at 1:48 pm
Paradise_Lost BRONZE, Mountville, Pennsylvania
2 articles 6 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
But paradise is locked and bolted; we must make a journey around the world to see if the back door has, perhaps, been left open.<br /> <br /> Swearing is the last refuge of the imaginitively bankrupt.

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You know, everytime I come back to reread this, I think it will lose it's humor on me...

 

Nope.

selahoverrated GOLD said...
on Nov. 8 2011 at 8:28 am
selahoverrated GOLD, Mt Sidney, Virginia
11 articles 0 photos 43 comments
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THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! it reminds me so much of the books, i thought they were good but reeeeeaaaaalllly cliche.... bella does act like that though if you think about it ...
Tonite BRONZE said...
on Nov. 5 2011 at 10:54 am
Tonite BRONZE, Toronto, Other
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&quot;I am just two and two. I am hot. I am cold.<br /> I&#039;m the parents of number that cannot be told.<br /> I&#039;m a gift beyond measure, a matter od course,<br /> And I&#039;m yielded with pleasure - when taken by force.&quot;------Julian

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this is priceless...........LOL
Alpha-Lyrae GOLD said...
on Nov. 4 2011 at 8:24 pm
Alpha-Lyrae GOLD, Toronto, ON, Other
13 articles 3 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I&#039;ve loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.&quot; -Galileo Galilei<br /> &quot;In the Beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.&quot; -Douglas Adams

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This is brilliant! Anyone seen the 'Alex Reads Twilight' videos on youtube? Seriously worth a watch if your a fan of this.
Victor_Hagar SILVER said...
on Nov. 3 2011 at 8:19 pm
Victor_Hagar SILVER, Dublin, Ohio
6 articles 0 photos 30 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It&#039;s always important to give your arguments impact.&quot; Fallout 3, Strength Bobble-head.

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Very sarcastic. I enjoyed the read, thank you.
lenathetiger BRONZE said...
on Nov. 3 2011 at 8:15 am
lenathetiger BRONZE, Columbia, Maryland
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Many (people) were increasingly of the opinion that they&#039;d all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.&quot;

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"[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]"

HAHA!

Malloy213 said...
on Nov. 2 2011 at 2:06 pm
Malloy213, Meowmix, Iowa
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.<br /> ~Albert Einstein

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Hilarious!
jazzerlover BRONZE said...
on Nov. 2 2011 at 11:15 am
jazzerlover BRONZE, Keeseville, New York
3 articles 0 photos 7 comments

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Maxwell Smart: I think it&#039;s only fair to warn you, this facility is surrounded by a highly trained team of 130 Black Op Snipers.<br /> Siegfried: I don&#039;t believe you. <br /> Maxwell Smart: Would you believe two dozen Delta Force Commandos? <br /> Siegfried: No. <br /> Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

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This is the funniest thing that i have ever read!!! LOL I LOVE IT!!!
IsobelFree DIAMOND said...
on Nov. 1 2011 at 6:49 pm
IsobelFree DIAMOND, Hamilton, Other
71 articles 20 photos 296 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;As long as there is open road, the familiar has the most formidable competitor.&quot; - Anonymous

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I commented on this before. It's HILARIOUS and so accurate. I especially love the part with Jacob passionately shouting: "I am love with your CHILD!" Good stuf..

Anyways, I just wanted to say that my friend did a version of this...where she played all of the characters, separately. And I just wanted to think you indirectly for making me pee my pants with laughter.

Good times. Gooood times.

Me of Course!(Raven said...
on Nov. 1 2011 at 1:15 pm
Haha my favorite part is when EDWARD blinds everyone with his brightness and all he says is "oops"
Kimmie_Kat SILVER said...
on Oct. 31 2011 at 10:13 am
Kimmie_Kat SILVER, Orlando, Florida
5 articles 3 photos 14 comments
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Man I wish Twilight was as simple as this, so we don't have to read through all those long books! I love this storie! Nice job! I love it how Edward just out of no where pulls a gun out just to kill Bella!
Rocinante SILVER said...
on Oct. 29 2011 at 7:32 am
Rocinante SILVER, Wexford, Pennsylvania
7 articles 1 photo 386 comments
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Yes I agree with Smiler4life!!! Do more parodies!!! You're awesome at them :)
shadowfox1996 BRONZE said...
on Oct. 28 2011 at 8:09 pm
shadowfox1996 BRONZE, Farmington, Minnesota
4 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;talk softly but carry a big stick&quot; by Theodore Roosevelt

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WOW!!! Awesome, lots of humor, but could of had ALICE in it!!!
Jessmic14 BRONZE said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 6:57 pm
Jessmic14 BRONZE, Clearfield, Utah
4 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Whatever doesn&#039;t kill me makes me stronger.

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I LOVE IT!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!
Jane3 SILVER said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 5:46 pm
Jane3 SILVER, Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania
8 articles 0 photos 42 comments

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Lol I know!!! The books used to seem so wonderful, but now it's all blurr! That summed it up perfectly!
writereadlove GOLD said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 3:55 pm
writereadlove GOLD, Brooklyn, New York
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LOL its okay :) but that seriously was a masterpiece
Smiler4Life GOLD said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 2:37 pm
Smiler4Life GOLD, Richmond, Texas
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Live.Laugh.Smile.&amp;Love

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THIS IS REALLY GOOD! PLEASE DO MORE PARODIES(:
Jane3 SILVER said...
on Oct. 26 2011 at 9:10 pm
Jane3 SILVER, Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania
8 articles 0 photos 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;The capital-T truth is about life BEFORE death. It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over: this is water. This is water.&rdquo;

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Whoops acidently replied to you! Sorry!