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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1990 comments.

AdrienneMPayne SILVER said...
on Apr. 25 2012 at 7:57 pm
AdrienneMPayne SILVER, Gainesville, Florida
9 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
I write because it silences the voices in my head.

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HILARIOUS!!!

What else needs to be said?

BeautifulAngel95 SILVER said...
on Apr. 25 2012 at 8:22 am
BeautifulAngel95 SILVER, Cusseta, Georgia
7 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Love me for me. Or NOT at all.&quot;

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This was so funny. I don't like twilight. But this was too funny. This summed up all four books. write more
Scribbler-of-Dreams PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 24 2012 at 7:19 am
Scribbler-of-Dreams PLATINUM, Brandon, Florida
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Love isn&#039;t everything we want, but it&#039;s everything we need....

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So, FUNNY....I loved it.
_ella_herondale BRONZE said...
on Apr. 23 2012 at 7:30 pm
_ella_herondale BRONZE, San Diego, California
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&quot;...If the Thames that ran beside them...recalled a night where the moon shone as brightly as a shilling on the same boy and girl... and thought to themselves, &#039;at last, the wheel comes full circle,&#039; they kept their silence.&quot;

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WOW!! I didn't even read twilight but I totally laughed at this!! Amazing job!!
Maddie_Rae PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 15 2012 at 8:49 pm
Maddie_Rae PLATINUM, Newalla, Oklahoma
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Awsome, love making fun of Twilight!
realbeautifulheart PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 15 2012 at 6:33 pm
realbeautifulheart PLATINUM, Livermore, California
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Hahahahaha nice
Journey_Foreigner_QuietRiot_Poison_Queen BRONZE said...
on Apr. 15 2012 at 2:23 am
Journey_Foreigner_QuietRiot_Poison_Queen BRONZE, South El Monte, California
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I Loved it. It Made me Laugh
Pleaselisten said...
on Apr. 14 2012 at 8:58 am
Pleaselisten, Worthington, Ohio
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This is AMAZING!! I write plays all the time, but lately I've had a severe case of writers block. Is it okay if I do this at my schools talent show?
disasterdominant13 SILVER said...
on Apr. 13 2012 at 7:56 am
disasterdominant13 SILVER, West Mifflin, Pennsylvania
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i applaud this author. BRAVO. lol a peice of comical genius.
Logan_Elizabeth28 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 12 2012 at 8:08 pm
Logan_Elizabeth28 BRONZE, Willard, Ohio
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Can I say this was freaking hilarious? I mean you pretty much summed up all four books, but added humor to it making it a pleasure for people with a sense of humor (Such as me) to read without becoming bored of it. Honestly, no one would ever be bored of this. It's too funny. Like I said before, very hilarious. Loved it. 2 Thumbs up! Keep writing :)

~Logan~

stillheartless PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 12 2012 at 5:23 pm
stillheartless PLATINUM, Eugene, Oregon
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please.....MARRY ME!
Ms.PeytonLovesHP GOLD said...
on Apr. 11 2012 at 8:47 pm
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Luv this! <3 It's so FREAKING HILARIOUS! I hate Twilight, but this...... LMAO!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! (Double thumbs up, with a serious expression, trying not to ROFL inside)
Optimiste SILVER said...
on Apr. 10 2012 at 6:44 am
Optimiste SILVER, Fort Wayne, Indiana
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best story, everyone else go home.
troubledsoul said...
on Apr. 8 2012 at 11:30 am
troubledsoul, ., Other
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AWESOME!!! :D
acorn1993 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 4 2012 at 6:31 pm
acorn1993 BRONZE, Timonium, Maryland
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The sad thing is, this actually pretty accurately sums up ALL FOUR books...well done! I found this funny and, again, fairly accurate. I would have liked a few more details about the Volturi, though, since that was a major 'conflict' in the books (even if it was anti-climactic)!
butterfly123 said...
on Apr. 4 2012 at 12:04 am
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AWESOME!!!!
hbrhr PLATINUM said...
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OMIGOD THIS IS FREAKIN HILARIOUS!
LittleSully GOLD said...
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Made me pee my pants! Pleeeaaaasssseeee write more!
Claire_baller PLATINUM said...
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LOL that was hillarious! XD your awsome LOL!
Zuccini75 BRONZE said...
on Apr. 3 2012 at 2:08 pm
Zuccini75 BRONZE, Chantilly, Virginia
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I didn't like Twilight Saga at all but this was HILARIOUS! It is a good summary for anyone who doesn't want to suffer over the real books :)