As I woke up, dreams still in my head, I blinked three extra times to make my brain return to reality. Not a sound in my house, no breakfast in sight, so an apple would do. I grabbed a chair to get to the grassy green apple on the counter. I took my first bite, and pretended to pass out, like I was Snow White or something.
The doorbell rang. The noise of the door belI was so loud it startled me,  I didn’t notice the apple fall down to the tile floor. A rush of wind broke through the crack at the bottom of the door, hitting my bare feet.
At the door, a tall figure greeted me, twisting his bow tie. “Hello Emylie.”
“Hello.” I replied.
Stepping into the house without an offer, this figure took my hand and brought me into the living room.
“Wait wait, what are you doing?” I asked.
“Do you have any sugar and tea?” Totin said.
“Uh, yeah. It’s the jug next to the bowl of bananas.”
“Thank you!”
“What is your name, sir?” I asked.
“Totin.”
“I don’t know a Totin. Get out?”
“Wait! Don’t you wanna play?”
“Well, I was going to the park.
  “Oh, let’s go! The rain won’t start until noon.”
I walked slowly to the door. Even though I didn’t know this character too well, I had a feeling to trust him. Since, I was alone today maybe he would be good company.
October breeze went through my braids. I felt a bit uneasy for a moment but continued walking with Totin. He put his hand on my shoulder, walking and keeping his eye on me. The air got colder and gloomier by the minute, and my walking pace began to slow down.
“I don’t want to go,” said Totin. “Why don’t we go back inside?”
“But the park is there, Totin, we are so close.”
“No, I said let’s go!”
We ran inside. Totin locked the doors. My body froze solid, shocked in fright from Totin’s anger.
“Why are you doing this?” My head began to hurt, palms started sweating, and Totin sat in silence. Not a word shed from his mouth to answer my question.
“I understand, I was feeling shaky to go see the people at the park, it can be scary. I wouldn’t know what to say or do, whether it was right or wrong,” I said anyway, despite the fact that he had ignored my question.
I ran upstairs to see if my parents were home yet, not a person in sight besides myself. Walking by the window, a light shined in my eyes. I wondered what was outside that made it so bright, when gray clouds over looked the neighborhood.
The mailman was there, and the truck was so white, it shined through my eyes. I hated the mailman. His hairline was so far back you could see it from mars, his fat stomach and crooked teeth made him look like the guy who killed his wife at the end of a horror film. I didn’t want to speak with him to make pointless small talk that would get nowhere, but mother would be mad if I left the mail outside all day. 
“Em, what if he asked you how you are, and you didn’t speak clearly and had to repeat yourself? What would be your first words to him besides hello? Em, what if you bother him? Don’t open the door,” Totin said.
“I don’t want to do it, but we need to get the mail.”
“Here is a pen, write on it saying that nobody is home, and put the mail through the slot in the door.”
The mail man got out of his truck.  He gathered a package and three envelopes up to the doorstep. I ran as fast as I could to put the note outside. The plan worked! The mailman slid the envelopes in the slot, but left the package outside since it was too big.
“That was a close one!” said Totin.
I nodded my head in agreement and remembered what had happened on the way to the park ten minutes ago.
“Totin,” I began. “What did you see at the park that made you so scared?” I paused.  I remembered asking the same question before 5 years ago when I was only 4 years old.
“This has happened before,” I whispered softly.
* * *
There was a sudden knock at the door.  I hoped it would be my parents. I jumped off my counter, and used my green apple to balance as my feet touched the floor. I had so much energy, so I got to the door fast. I loved that about being four and care free.
I jumped three times for the door handle, and when I finally caught it, I was disappointed by the fact that this figure was not my parents. He looked friendly and had a cool bowtie around his neck. I liked bowties, so I let him inside. His name was Totin. What an adorable name, don’t you think?
Since it was such a nice day, and the park was so close by, I asked Totin to join me on the swings. Totin and I never made it to the park. Before we even approached the gate, he rushed me back inside.
*   *   *
The clock rang three times. It forced me to turn my body around. It was 9 O’clock. Both me and Totin began to rub our eyes, walking slowly towards the stairs. I mentioned to Totin there was no room in my bed, so he would have to sleep on the floor.
Totin came to tuck me under the covers and kiss me goodnight. His kiss felt like a burning piece of coal had landed on my forehead. He walked away as my body started to shake rapidly, and then I woke.
My parents had come home sometime that night, although I didn’t remember hearing them come in. In the morning, my mother walked into my room on her tip toes. Sliding the door, trying to keep quiet she failed and the door squeaked. I turned my widen blue eyes rapidly towards my mother.
“Oh I’m so sorry Emylie, I only wanted to come in to pick up a bit,”she said.
“That’s okay Mum, where is father?” I asked her studdering my words.
“Work,” my mother quickly replied.
My Mother walked away with her hands on her heart, and her walking pace slowed. 
Walking downstairs with my backpack, I realized I couldn’t see Totin anymore. My mother and father were nowhere to be found, even though I didn’t recall hearing the door close. I had just seen my mother. Where could she have gone so fast? I put my thoughts about my mother aside to focus on finding Totin. Before I could go look, the bus came.
The bus pulled over to a sudden stop that shook the back seats, making the kids scream.  I thought to myself, oh ****. Brockfield Elementary, home of the gossiping, hair twirling, giggling bumblebee witches. Yes, I go to an all girl’s school, which meant two things. One, no nose picking boys to deal with. Two, dealing with the snotty stuck up 9 year old girls. I am rich, yes, but I believe that everyone, no matter if you are poor or rich, you still matter in the world. No one can be better than another, everyone has their own problems and no one is perfect. These girls, though, think of course the opposite from me. It makes me feel sorry for them, because they are so close minded to all that is around them. That there isn’t a world without big houses and fancy clothes.
The bell rang, letting everyone know it is time to head to the first class of the day. This morning I felt lightheaded. I couldn’t breathe normally, and there was a constant pounding noise in the back of my head I could feel through my ears. I just rubbed my ears hoping it would go away, and I could just ignore it. Although the pounding stopped, my ear felt irritated. I pulsed to reach the bathroom as fast as I could. My body was thrown into the sinks, like something had forced me. No one was in the bathroom. I wanted to get as close to the mirror as possible to see my ears. My ears were red, and a bit swollen. I could hear the second bell ring, meaning I was going to be late. I reached in my bag to grab my hat and stuffed it onto my head, so no one could see my ears.
I opened the door to class 6B. In my mind I wasn’t ready to walk in. My ears were hurting, and I hate to be yelled at. My breathing was heavy, and all I could hear the sound of Totin’s voice, “Don’t go.” I looked to my left and right to see if anyone was there, and not a soul. I could hear my teacher. “Miss Dott!” My hands were shaking to the door knob and my eyesight was burning because of the tears on the verge of falling down my face. Everyone was staring. I couldn’t control the emotion I was having. Every stare was like a dagger, digging in deeper into each of the different emotions. Ms. Snighter continued, “where were you?” My throat was clogged by stutter, my eyes wandered out of panic and watered out of embarrassment. I couldn’t think of what to say all I could hear in my head was run, and so I did.
My ears were pounding with Totin’s voice as I ran out of the school. The voice followed me all the way down the block, to the park and to my house. It was a scramble of words, stacked on top of each other with its same repeating pattern in Totin’s voice.
“What is wrong with you? You’ve gone mad Emylie, go away, run.”
I stopped to stare at my house, and the voice came quickly. “What are you doing? You think they actually care?”
I could hear my parents screaming, beer bottles smashing on the walls. I couldn’t go home. I started to run, holding my backpack straps tightly, as I ran into the woods next to the park. I ran deep into the woods. So far that I wouldn’t be able to hear the people from the streets. I sat on a rock, panting from all the running. I reached in my bag for a mirror to look at my ears, and they were tomato red. It was like I’d been standing in the cold for hours. I put my elbows on my knees, and with my hands on my head I began to cry loudly. I threw my backpack across the two trees, and it opened.
I looked down to see my pink and gray journal.  I had the sudden urge to write.
* * *
Dear diary,
I can’t explain why, but if I could explain it, it would be like this. Have you had an imaginary friend? A made up being that was around you all the time, and going to the same places as you? Your younger self probably gave them a name, like Macy, Rae or Jhonny. Whenever something, good or bad things happened you would blame those things on your friend? Well Totin wasn’t my friend, he was imaginary, but never a friend.
Being with Totin was like my body was on autopilot. It was like I just had let go of the steering wheel and just sat back and let him take over my thoughts. He was creating an unhealthy mindset. He controlled my thoughts and, put unwanted thoughts inside of my head. He was that one person that may have seemed so great at first, and then he controlled everything. From my mood to my actions, with this constant trembling of my words. Totin was the devil on my left shoulder, that could not be gone with just a wave of my hand. Totin’s presence drained my energy because all my energy was given to his attention. I was so focused on the thoughts he gave me, and didn’t focus on how to ignore it. Journal, I am writing this all down to remind myself that writing gets rid of that worry and pain. Totin will poke, holler and whisper to me, but he will not control thee...
Love,
Emylie.

I put the charcoal black pencil in between the spine of the journal, and took a deep breath.  It was such a relief. I hadn’t felt this way in a while. I quickly glanced at  my notes and doodles from a couple years ago. I hadn’t touched my journal in years. I thought I had lost it.
Titles were written at the top on each page, “Dreams and Doodles.” I forgot how much I loved to draw! The dreams were both happy and sad. Most of them actually mentioned Totin. I realized that Totin was not just in my dreams, he was really with me. He was the reason why I had started drawing when I was 4 years old. It made me so much more calm. Then as I got older I learned how to finally put all those pictures into stories. Totin belonged in my journal, just for me to see. When he came again I would know where to trap him...inside the lines of my paper.
I picked up the pencil again, and I drew Totin in pictures. I drew what he was doing to my mind and body. The last thing I wrote down was five words 16 times, I... am not...giving...in. I wrote about the last few days, dealing with these feelings of constant worry and, shakiness. I sat in the woods until dinner time.  I walked home with my journal in my hand, and a smile on my face.

The end...