I decided to wear my sharpest suit; a jet black one with a sparkling red bow tie and the golden cufflinks my father had bestowed to me upon my decision to follow in his footsteps. As I climbed aboard the chariot waiting for me outside my residence, I felt like I had forgotten something. I couldn’t quite place what it was, and I assured myself that it couldn’t be that important. Though I had assured myself I had everything I needed, I couldn’t help feeling like I was unprepared for the meeting. Quickly, the chariot raced into the sky and then dived into the earth like a duck shot from the air. Then, with a series of jerks and twists I arrived at my destination.  Shortly after my arrival, I regretted my previous decision. Strangely enough, I had failed to factor the temperature into my choice of apparel. I felt a bit ignorant not realizing the seemingly blatant need for looser, cooler clothing; It was hell after all.   “It’s bit hot in here don’t you think, Satan?” I said as I yanked at my collar while praying for a breeze. Satan was a dashingly handsome man that looked to be in his mid thirties. He was completely different than the horned beast I had expected.
“Well I mean we tend to keep it warm down here. It’s kind of a theme, Mr. Lampson.” said Satan casually. I don’t know what I expected. This wasn’t his first rodeo like it was mine. I had been vying for this meeting for some millennia. T’was a vastly coveted opportunity to have a meeting with Satan. Having heard only tales of the kind of profit he could bring, I was willing to do anything to see some of that profit myself. Many of you may be thinking, “How could you organize such a meeting?” To that I answer, I know a guy who, for the right price, can get in touch with the big man on either side. In hindsight, I don’t know which meeting would’ve been more uncomfortable.
To give a bit of a backstory, I was a  swindler- a con man of sorts. I am part lawyer and part deal maker. My exact title is of no importance. Important, however, is that I was a businessman and a shady one at that. 
Shakily I got to the point, “Well anyways let’s get down to business. I wanted to chat over lunch today with you to discuss a, potentially mutually beneficial, merger of sorts.”
“Well what did you have in mind Mr. Lampson?” responded Satan with a cool tone that sounded like he already had something else in mind himself.
“I was hoping to propose a contract in which-”
“Oh hold that thought. Here comes our waitress!” exclaimed Satan a bit too eagerly as if he wasn’t looking forward to my proposal.
  “What drinks could I start you guys off with?”  said the waitress in a peppy upbeat attitude. She never looked up from her stone tablet. In her hand she held what appeared to be red hot steel in the shape of a pen. Her skin was bubbling and blackening and yet she seemed unconcerned.
“Well what would you recommend, Satan?” I asked. I needed a recommendation as I hadn’t even thought to look at the menu yet.
  “We’ll both have ambrosia with mirror honey.” said Satan.
“Alrighty I’ll get that right out” said the waitress as she scribbled our order into her tablets. She rushed away and disappeared as I took my eyes away from her.
“Ah ambrosia, I’ve always heard about it, but never actually seen it. “Will it not harm me because I am not a god?” I enquired with real concern. I’d always heard of this ambrosia stuff as a poison of sort to mortals.
  “Oh certainly not, that is just one of the many lies we feed to you mortals.” Satan said with a bit of a chuckle.
“Oh well then, anyways as I was saying, I think that it would serve us both if we were to-”
“Oh would you look at that. These look wonderful.” said Satan as he interrupted me again. It again appeared as though he did not care much for what I planned to propose. The ambrosia was served in double helix glasses that looked like DNA. Colored like a faint blood the liquid sloshed inside the glass.
  “Are you gentlemen ready to order?” asked the waitress. She was glaring at her tablet still.
“I mean I haven’t even got a chance to look at the menus.” I said trying to get a moment with Satan without interruption. Not to mention, I had actually not had a chance to look at the menus.
“Should I come back?” said the waitress with a tone suggesting that she had heard the coming answer a million times.
“Oh nonsense! We’ll each have the dragon fruit glazed minotaur.” said Satan with a bit of a proper Englishman accent as though he was poking fun at the elaborate wording employed on the extravagant menus.
“Excellent choice Mr. Satan.” said the waitress as she scribbled our order into her tablet and quickly scurried away before disappearing again.
“Goodness, glazed minotaur? That must cost a fortune!” I exclaimed after thinking of the labor that must’ve went into preparing such a dish.
“Well for her it certainly did.” said Satan with a bit of an ironic tone, if such a thing can exist.
“Huh?” I wondered. I couldn’t decipher what he was saying, but in hindsight it was pretty obvious what it meant.
“Nevermind the cost ol’ sport. Carry on with your proposal.”, he said as if to get it over with.
“Right. Back to the proposal. I am a very persuasive person as you know. I trust that you are familiar with some of my rather remarkable work. In short, I was thinking that I might be able to use my skills to benefit you. I haven’t been using my skills to send people to hell intentionally, but recently I have taken notice that the people I persuade almost always end up here. What I am asking for is a full-time, paid position.”
“Oh no! Mr. Lampson,I was hoping you weren’t going this direction.” Satan said with a sigh.
“Well what do you mean Mr. Satan? What is wrong with my offer?” I asked worriedly.
“You see, Mr. Lampson, your services do not require payment, but only because you are only valuable to me. God does not want you. You see, Mr. Lampson, you were working for me all along. That humans have free will is another lie we tell you mortals.” said Satan.
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“It couldn't matter less whether or not you understand. I simply accepted your invite to lunch as you are one of my hardest working employees. Now enjoy this meal with me.” said Satan as he gestured to the food.
“Why would I want to share a meal with you?” I said with a look of disgust. I was a defiant pawn in his game of chess.
“I’m sorry sir, but just like anything else, you don’t have a choice.” Satan said casually, as this wasn’t his first rodeo.