The cold air was the only thing he could feel as it wrapped around his body. Its hands searching for any piece of warmth to claim as its own. Penetrating his clothing straight to his bones, He focused on his breathing in an attempt to release all the uncertainty that had invaded his life. With each inhale, the cold, crisp air cleansed his mind as he prepared himself for the journey he knew he had no choice but to face. Each exhale allowed him to release all of the slander of his past as the vapors of his own breath washed over his lips. As he sat in his car, his mind began to contemplate the lifelong trek he was starting.  All the possibilities began playing on the silver screen that was his imagination.  The fantasy played out in his mind of the man he wanted to become. A man who had risen above the whispers and attacks of those who had conspired against him. He wanted these past experiences to open his eyes and provide a sense of empathy rather than harden his heart as it had in the past. He wasn’t trying to forget the man he was but instead try to embrace his past mistakes. With this thought, the feelings of relief and empowerment were flushed away and replaced by an army of despair and sorrow. The fanfare that had just echoed in his mind had now transformed into something more menacing. The sweet melody had changed into the jarring crash of lightning and pounding of rain while defeat conquered his consciousness.
Tears marched down his face one by one. His hands trembled from the war of emotions that had turned his confidence into an unrecognizable wasteland. He looked over to the glove box of his car, staring down an immediate call to end the contention inside himself.  He gripped the latch with a faint glint of hope that the sins of his past would pardon him of the deaths caused by his past negligence. As he stared into the abyss inside the glove box, he reached in to feel the comfort of the handgun hidden underneath manuals and various memories of his family. His hand moved from the gun’s handle to the battered yarn toy his late wife had made for their daughter. Suddenly, his mind began to bask in the thought of his wife. She was the sweetest part of his life that had been ripped away from him by his own hand.
He thought back on the christmas when his daughter Mai was just one year old. The only light came from the christmas tree in the corner of the room, illuminating it in a soft glow that welcomed even the coldest of souls. The tree radiated the smell of pine reminding him of the woods behind his childhood home. Mai’s toddler eyes were fixed on her mother, playing with the snowflake necklace that graced her neck. His wife Enola, held their child in her arms blowing raspberries to their little toddler. Even he could feel the strong sense of unity between the two as Mai belted out incomprehensible giggles and screams of cheer. He had never seen a more beautiful sight than this. To anyone else it was just a mother playing with her daughter, to him it was a moment he’d never forget.
The light stream of tears flowing down his face became rushing rivers as he remembered the warmth of her touch, the honey of her voice, the silk of her skin. He couldn’t help himself but to utter her name one last time.
“Enola”