Good morning and welcome to my rant about why I have the worst job in the world. I bet you can guess what I am. I mean if you’ve never seen me you must be blind. Then your eyes are lucky. They don’t have to do anything. The lives of eyes are so much easier than the lives of my kind. Okay, let’s see if you can guess what I am. I come in all different shapes and sizes, I am the color of your skin, and unless you’re Voldemort, you probably have your own version of me. Oh, and I’m right smack in the middle of your face and quite hard to miss. So yes, in case you still haven’t figured it out, I am a nose. A nose, the most underappreciated body part, and no one can deny it.
I think the simplest reason for why I have one of the worst jobs ever is that I have to smell. I know, hard to figure out. I don’t get to see beautiful things, taste delicious food, or I don’t know, have some boring simple job like a candle. No, I have to smell. Of course, once in a while you humans decide to be, you know, human, and let me smell something beautiful, like flowers, or candles, or perfume. But most of the time, your lives take you on weird journeys to places like schools, where there are a million little kids who smell like whatever they’ve recently rolled around in.
Another thing that we noses really hate is when all of you humans who live in these cold snowy climates go outside without jackets and scarves and then get colds for us. Noses down in Alaska, I really feel for you. No one protects us from the cold. While the necks gets scarves and the heads get hats, we just have to hang out there freezing our, well, noses off, until you kids decide to find somewhere warm. You don’t protect us, and then we spend the terrible months of November to February with tissues getting stuffed up ourselves. Just the other day, the silly human I am on had to get tested for the flu (which she tested positive for because she failed to keep me warm) and the nurse just stuck a needle-like sharp stick up me! Nobody once said, “Nose, are you okay with this?” or “Nose, are you ready? This is gonna hurt.” Nope. No sympathy at all for poor little me. You egotistical, self-centered disasters that they call humans have no feelings for your noses.
You know, have you ever wondered whether we noses here have opinions? I bet you haven’t. No one cares what we noses think. But I mean, if you did, and you actually asked me what I thought about anything, you would know that I hate sushi! I hate, hate, hate the smell of sushi! The human I’m on loves to take me to this one restaurant called Aikou, and I guess she must really like the taste of the food, because I can’t stand the smell of the teriyaki, the sushi, the fish, all of that stuff. Oh and when it’s not Aikou, it’s Indian food. Don’t get me started on Indian food. Way to spicy for me. My owner likes the taste of spicy Indian food, and then I’m left running for the next two hours. Oh, and sneezing all over the place. You know, noses don’t actually like being tortured, who would think? But I guess that doesn’t matter, because who cares what the nose thinks, right?
Oh, and I can’t forget about my newfound reason for hating my life. I’m on a human of the female gender. Worst thing that could happen to you, after becoming any type of nose at all. These females, ugh they drive me crazy. First of all, they are so obsessed with their eyes, their lips, their hair, and I’m just like, “Hello! Nobody cares about the rest of you! I’m the first thing they see on your face!” You see, it’s all in the nose. Have the most beautiful hair in the world, the best personality ever, but if your nose makes you look like a witch, I would almost stop feeling bad for myself and start feeling bad for you. Almost. But anyway, back to girls. They give us no makeup. Those eyes up there, you guys are lucky. Eyeliner, mascara, the whole nine yards. The other day I heard some eyes complaining about how their owner keeps sticking contact lenses in them, and I had a fit. At least they have color! I have the boring color of the skin! But the worst part about these girls is, they give us no makeup, and 24/7 365 days a year they complain about how they want nose jobs. Nose jobs! Here we are, just simple, plain noses, with no color and no makeup given to improve us, and we smell for you and everything, and you want to change us. I think these humans are going to give me a heart attack.
All in all, I hope you realize that you should appreciate your nose. I want you to stop everyday and say, “Thank you Nose, for doing the job of the nose. I know I wouldn’t be able to do it” because you sure wouldn’t be able to do it. Oh, and also, if the world ever gets dominated by a strange looking body part that starts annihilating humans, I would add noses to the top of your conspiracy theory list.