The Secret
It was the last week in July, and I had just gotten back from an exhausting week of being a summer camp counselor for middle school girls. That week had been a blast, breaking out of my comfort zone, making new friends, helping the younger girls, and even making a little money. But, it was draining, with 5am wake up calls, and late nights with the other counselors into the early hours of the morning. As I enter my room, laboring the weight of my bags, I quickly scan my room for any evidence of intrusion during the previous week, but was glad to see that everything was where I had left it. I drop my bags in the doorway, walk to my bed and flop down face first. Just as my muscles sink into the mattress, adjusting to its familiar shape, I feel a slight vibration in the right hand back pocket of my jeans. Knowing it has to be from my best friend, since no one other than her and my parents text me unless they need something; I enjoy a moment more of rest, then reach for my phone.

I’m going to apologize in advance in case I blow up and admit a secret I’ve been keeping for a long time.

Sam, had been my closest friend since elementary school. She moved to my school in the fourth grade, and we met in Mrs. Floodeen’s split 5th/6th grade class. At the beginning of 5th grade having seen her around school, I knew who she was, but all my friends were boys at the time so I saw her as nothing more than a target. She had stringy blonde hair, a crooked nose, and a mole directly above her eye but below her eyebrow. During recess, my friends and I would tease her about her nose, or mole saying how big they both were. That same year, my best friend, Damion, and Sam and I all shared the same bus stop, since we lived only blocks from each other. Every day we mocked and teased her, picking apart every detail, we even criticized the brand of water that she drank. But she never gave in.

One day I was given a taste of my own medicine. A friend of mine, compared my androgynous appearance to that of Michael Jackson, saying that “I’m pretending to be a boy as much as he was pretending to be white.” From that day forward, the name stuck, my friends had turned against me, I was alone. Weeks later, Sam and I were the only ones at the bus stop, we talked about how Damion had done us wrong, and through mutual hate we gradually became friends. But it wasn’t until halfway through the 6th grade that I allowed it to be known at school, due to my fear of being seen with her, since a lot of my old friends came back and I couldn’t risk being an outsider again. We went to different middle schools, and then different high schools, but we always remained close even as Damion left both our lives and our neighborhood.

As we entered high school our friendship grew stronger, especially in sophomore year when I had begun making major changes in my life and she in hers. Looking back, she developed into a person of my similar style. In elementary school she was the stereotypical girly girl, but as she entered high school, she started to change. At first it was her clothes, now skinny jeans and a t-shirt. Then she cut her hair short. And in sophomore year she finally came out as being gay, where I had in the 8th grade.

Uhh… what is the secret?

As I look at her text, knowing our friendship was the closest I had ever had, I thought to myself that there couldn’t be any secrets, we knew everything about each other. There wasn’t anything I didn’t know. I scanned every memory I could come up with that could give me the slightest notion as to what the secret could be, then it hit me. But it couldn’t be that, so I erased the thought from my mind.

She refused to tell me her hidden secret, saying that it wasn’t the right time and that she would only tell if she could no longer keep it from me. After days of dissecting my brain trying to figure everything out, and desperately hoping it was anything but what I could think of, I became frustrated. I turned into the 5th grade bully again. I had to know, I needed to know that it wasn’t what I thought it was. By Wednesday, I had brooded, cursed, threatened, and even hurt my way to her breaking point. She agreed to write me a letter, and that she’d leave it on my porch for me to read.

I had soccer that night, but I couldn’t think. My head became obsessed with the possibilities while subconsciously preparing myself for what I knew would surely be the answer. Non-stop questions were rolling through my mind: what would happen if it truly was what I had been dreading? The drive home was nothing but a blur of reds, greens, and a few horns, but as I drove up my driveway my heart sank as I saw the lightly sealed envelope with the name “Skylar” written in her handwriting. The walk up the stairs was painfully slow. I picked up the light envelop in my hands, marveling at it for a few seconds then opened the door and walked to my room. Wasting no time, I ripped open the seal.

“Dear Skylar,
Before I start rambling, I just want you to know that this was out of my control and if it were, I would have never let it happen. This had nothing to do with our friendship, I treasure how we have always been close, being careful not to push you away like I have everyone else. I’m telling you this because it’s eating me alive and you have the right to know. Since freshman summer I have slowly been falling for you. I can’t help but think that if we were together we could become something very beautiful. I thought that maybe if I met other people or made more friends these feelings would go away. Yet I always found myself wishing they were you. Admitting this scares me more than anything else because I know you only see me as a friend…I’d rather know that I have no chance than constantly wonder what would happen if I told you”

The house was dead silent, it was what I had been anticipating. Before I could think, I was heading for the door. The sun had just set and the night was warm. Out of pure urgency and adrenaline I began running, running up the hill to her house. When I reached her car, I texted her telling her to meet me outside.

“I’m guessing you read the letter?” she said shyly, keeping her distance.
“ …no. Just no!” Leaving her in that moment, my back to her as I walked home.

Walking down the hill, I began disassembling my phone, cracking open the back cover, and removing the battery. In that instant I didn’t even want to know if she had something to say. My answer was no. This couldn’t happen, she is my only true friend, the one I can trust, the one I confide my life in, and the one I can’t afford to lose. But maybe this would be a good foundation for a rela-. No! I can’t even consider the thought. Relationships fail, they all do eventually, and I’m in high school! I’m going to be a senior next year, and even if it lasted a year, we’d have to break up for college, leaving me with no best friend, no support, and no social life. This can’t happen. As the night settled in, so did I, and now more calm I turned my phone back on.

Just take some time to think about it?

Okay.

For a week, the battle raged in my head. I knew that we couldn’t, shouldn’t, mustn’t date, it would destroy the entire dynamic of our friendship, but as the week wore on I began to think about both options more and more, and explore her point of view.

Why do you like me? I mean, how could you like someone like me?

Because you’re real, and for the first time I’ve never had to fake who I am for someone to stay in my life. It’s kind of hard to put into words but you’re my motivation to keep going and you are so beautiful to me, despite what you think of yourself.

How could you know? I’m a completely different person in a relationship. Are you sure you like me and aren’t just confusing this for something else?

I’m sure, I have been since freshman summer. I used to think it was because of loneliness, but as I met more people, made more friends, and even had tiny crushes every once in a while, it was never the same compared to you. And you would not believe how many people come up to me and ask me if I like you and how many times I’ve had to lie, I even tried lying to myself at one point. I know you’re thinking about what would happen in the long run and if anything bad were to happen, but we know how to work through things big or small and I’m willing to risk what we have.

She knew me too well, I was thinking of every little thing that could go wrong and how we would both be destroyed afterward. But she was also right, we knew how to work things out, we never fought, only argued momentarily, and then sorted things out immediately. We were a great team.

Sam even if we were to try, I’d mess things up. I always do. All of my relationships have gone down in flames, not once did things work out, and someone always got hurt. But this can’t happen to us, I can’t afford to lose you. I’m too attached.

And you don’t think I’m attached? You don’t think I used myself as an excuse not to tell you? I could screw up just as easily, but I stopped focusing on the negative. I won’t leave, I’d rather know that it won’t work out than to never try. If I were to leave you I would have done it by now.

What about the scenario of me cheating on you or leaving, have you thought of that?

Yes, but you’re the only one I’d make an exception for because that’s part of who you are. I know that sounds really stupid of me but I know that college is a time to mess around and I’d want you to have that experience. I’m extremely open minded when it comes to you. I know how you are and I know you won’t be like that your whole life.

I had been given a week and a half to make my decision, but I knew my answer within a few days. Yes, I could lose my best friend and diminish my entire support system, but she was willing to break her rules and make exceptions for me, so I was willing to make this one for her.

By the end of the week and a half, Sam had lost 7 pounds from the stress and anticipation of my answer. When the day of the answer came, I had prepared a box, which when opened revealed a few small trinkets resembling things that she would need in our new relationship. A small pack of water balloons to remind us that even though we are dating we will always be best friends, a light blue toy dinosaur the size of a penny to keep her company when I was away, her favorite candy for when I inevitably screwed up, and the answer to her question. That was the same day I was leaving with my sister for our annual summer trip, so I would be leaving once she got her answer. That morning, I carefully carried her box to her house, placed it on her porch, and on the way down the hill back home I simply sent:

“Look outside.”