The wind carried the smell of morning dew with it, bringing the warmth of Summer to us. The fresh dirt made a muffled crunch  as we walked down the grassy hill, carrying our feast with us.

The smaller children ran down ahead of us trying to see who could get to the swingsets the fastests.
My path would not take me to the swing sets but rather the gazebo, old but sturdy, was standing on its own in the middle of the grassy field.

Carrying our cornucopia with us, I  walked down the hill I saw my grandmother, wearing her pink frilly dress looking for something in the field, gazing.

I called out to her,”Grandma!!” I waved my one free arm at her trying to signal my presence to her.
“Andrew place it down here”, she replied.

I put the basket down on the ground  and started to unpack it. For our so called feast all that seemed to be in the basket was relatively empty. All that was in it was my sandwich that I packed myself.

I grabbed it then turned around to question my grandma about the mystery of the empty picnic basket. When I saw her she was already eating with salad on her plate. I looked down and saw that I was already on a picnic blanket.

“How did this happen!?”
“What happen” my grandma took a mouthful of salad. It was as if she thought I was crazy.
“Wait… this isn’t real”, the words seemed to echo within my head.
“Whatever do you mean”, my grandmother seemed worried.
I looked straight at her,”This is another one isn’t it, don’t lie to me!” I was angry, no tired of this routine.
“.....................”,she seemed to be worried.
“Well!?”I was irritated.
“Yes”, she replied. My grandma looked somber at the fact. She stared at the ground as if she was guilty of a crime.

I let out a long breath,”Why this memory!?, It’s always this memory!”
“I wanted to choose a memory,  happy one for us to talk in”, she sounded on the verge of crying. She was trying to reach out to me.
“Why so you could remind me of all the happy times we had, so the depression can hit me even harder! For God’s sake you just DIED!” I pulled away from her in disgust.”Why would I ever want to talk to you!”
“Andrew please”, I could tell that I hurt her. But I didn’t care-she wasn’t real.
“Just go away!”,I yelled. I didn’t feel like talking to her ever.
“Fine”, she stood up and left me. I watched until her silhouette blended into the foliage.
I fell on my back to look at the sky. I just wanted to be alone, alone was how I dealt with my emotions . Being alone  helped me think and form ideas.

The wind was solemn, and the birds were singing no more, and the clouds disappeared. My world was quiet, and there were no more distractions.

Well except for the sun it seemed to shine brighter and brighter until it outshined my own world. Everything was white, well not as much as it was grey now.

The fan made a loud whirring noise as it stirred to life. I jumped back as the noise sent a shock to my senses.
“Wh-”, I stuttered,”oh no.”I realized which memory this was. “No,no,no,no,no,no,no,no” Steaming hot tears ran down my face.”No not this time I wont be standing by this time!”

I ran out of the room, I ran into the kitchen but no one was there, I ran into my bedroom, no one, the bathroom, the living room, the hallways, the attic, but it was the same thing there was no one.

“No! Anyone please help me.She’s dying-again.” I limped onto the floor I was powerless she had died again.
I weeped on the floor telling myself that it wasn’t real.My mind however wouldn’t let me accept it.

“Andrew don’t cry please.” A Voice that’s all too familiar to me. “It’s just a memory.”

“That you brought me to!”I pushed my upper half off the floor.”How could you!?” I lashed out. “ I’ve tried so hard to forget this moment, and you bring me back here!” I let out a long sob.

“An-”, a loud thunk resounded throughout the room.

“What was that?” The sound was not  apart of the memory. I would know I lived through it many times before.
“Huh?” The room around me began to crack and shatter leaving darkness where there used to be pieces of the memory.

“No! Andrew don’t go there’s something I need to tell you”, more and more of the memory began to shatter the darkness was beginning to become larger.

“Seems like I’m waking up. Tch. Finnaly.” I sat down there waiting for reality to cause the memory to fully shatter. I looked around me the window was gone and so was the bed. I turned to face my grandmother.
It seems like she was trying to tell me something but it was already broken I couldn’t hear her anymore.
“Goodbye grandma, I hope I don’t see you again.” The memory shattered leaving me floating in limbo. I looked around as I saw the pieces floating around beginning to reassemble around me. Forming my room.

“Looked who’s finally awake”, he snickered.

“Did you hear that.”
“Hear what?”

“Nevermind I’m going outside”, I stood up and left my room. I walked down the hallway, everywhere I looked, reminded me of her.

The laundry room, where she taught me how to do the laundry. The banister, where I got my head stuck in it and she distracted my mom while I tried to get out. Or the computer room, where I beat her in video games many times.

I walked down the stairs and remembered how we slid down them together with me breaking my arm at the bottom. I had to hold in the laugh as I saw the dent my head left behind when I tripped and banged my head against it.

I tried to slide past the kitchen, but then I saw it. The first memory of her my couch, old and reliable, was there. Many times I sat on  her lap, fell asleep with my head on her legs, so many times. All the times we watched pirated movies, all the times we spent in the house. The memories flooded my system.

I ran as fast as I could to the door trying to outrun all the memories all the happy, sad, and bad times. But I knew that I couldn’t I knew that they would catch up to me, but I wouldn’t let them.

Bang
I flew backwards,and slid on the floor. I looked to my left and it was as if I was watching a rewind of my life. The memories went in reverse.
In the air, landing, going backwards.

I got up realizing that I had hit the door in my failed attempt to escape. My head was still reeling from the collision though. I walked towards the door and put my hand on the doorknob.

I let out a long sigh and opened it. Outside brought less memories, my grandma was old and could barely go outside. The only time I saw her go outside was for family gatherings or the one last picnic we had together.
I walked around to where I heard the thunk right outside my room window. The grass under it was covered with dirt due to me planting so much candy there when I was younger. I did it in hopes to grow a candy vine.
I looked around trying to find the source of the noise. Maybe it was a stray rock or a branch falling off of the pine trees next to our house.

But all I found was a little baby bird. It must’ve hit the window, because it was out cold. I put my hand on its chest making sure not to crush it. It was still breathing.

“What do I do? Should I leave it here, should I take it, if I take it what should I do, what do birds eat, what do need, how do you feed a bird, how do you even take care of a bird, where do I put it, should I tell everyone else?”

I woke up again this time she wasn’t there. I don’t know why but I felt sad at her absence. I felt like something I held onto dearly was gone. Even though I was so angry whenever she tried to reach me, when she wasn’t there I was sad.

“Rise and shine sleeping beauty.” My brother always had a snarky remark to make.

I decided to say good morning back by throwing a pillow at him. He fell off of the ladder to his bed and hit the floor.

“Sweet dreams”, I knew they would at least be sweeter than mine usually were. I walked out of my room and into the hallway. I greeted my parents and went into the garage.

The garage seemed to be my new me place. The place I went to clear my mind. The clutter made it the perfect  hiding place for my little friend.

I moved my mom’s running machine out of the way, and my dad’s punching bag. And there it was the box with him in it.

“Good morning Johnny”, I lifted the cover off of the small shoe box, and there he was my not so old friend.I had found him as a baby one day right under my windowsill. Ever since then I took care of him but he was my dirty little secret. I picked up the can of worms. I made sure that they were still alive and healthy, Johnny liked them that way.

“What do you want to do today? Hmm.” I looked around and grabbed a shabbily made bird stand. I made it along time ago when I was trying to teach my pet parakeet to climb from there onto my shoulder. It was unused for a really long time, but now it’s Johnny’s runway in a way.
Johnny would usually do an awkward flutter to the top of the stand and from there he would try and jump off in an attempt to fly. Today was no different.

“This is probably attempt number ninety-five isn’t it.” I reached for my flight journal. I turned to the latest page where it said:

Flight attempt # 94:
Made it off  post without a hitch, but couldn’t get more than 1 foot off the ground.
Flight attempt #95:
Made it off of post again. Same level but glided down to the ground.
Flight Attempt #96:
Made it off of post this is becoming a regular thing, could only still glide though.
Flight Attempt #97
Can now glide without trouble.
Flight Attempt #98
Can glide and then flutter, Johnny is improving.
Flight Attempt 99:
Still fluttering.
Flight Attempt 100:
Can fly and then glide
Flight Attempt 101
Can fly but for only a short while
Attempt 102
Can fly
Attempt 103
He flew off
Attempt
He’s gone.
Attempt
HE LEFT ME
ATTEMPT
WHY DID HE LEAVE ME HE LEFT ME LIKE SHE DID
HATE
GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE.
WHY
THIS IS ALL HER FAULT ITS HER FAULT HE LEFT ME ITS HER FAULT SHE DIED IT’S ALL HER FAULT EVERYTHING
REGRET
this is horrible, he meant so much to me he was there for me, I had so many memories with him they mean nothing now
BYE
this shouldn’t have happened i shouldn’t have let him leave me. i shouldn’t have let her leave me
nonononononononono

it’s all my fault, it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault,it’s all my fault

I can’t take this anymore.

i found him i found him in the yard i grabbed him and put him back in the box
he won’t leave me now, he won’t leave me ever again, he won’t leave me like she did.

“Wait what is this?” I flipped through more of the pages . Page after page all it said was won’t leave me ever again.

I didn’t remember writing all of this. I dropped the book in shocked and backed away. I wanted to get as far away from it as possible. I didn’t like what I saw, and I had to get away.

“You can’t escape your own mind Andrew.” I turned around and it was her. She looked like she had been crying.
“Wh-what’s happening?” I was confused,scared and confused. None of it made sense. The book the bird, her, how was this happening.

“Andrew, you never let go. I wasn’t trying to come back, I wasn’t bringing back the memories. You were, even though you thought that you hated me and everything I stood for, you subconsciously brought me back. Every time we talked, it was all you.” She reached out for me.

“Andrew, this is all happening because you didn’t want to let go of me.”

I ran straight past her and through the garage door. I was out in the field now. I ran hoping that my legs could lead me to somewhere, where my tears could not come, where the depression could not hit me. I ran through my hallways, her house, her funeral, her death, the first time we met, and then I reached my room.

I ran through and slammed the door shut. I slid down the door until I didn’t have to support my own weight.
Sitting there alone in my room unable to think straight and did something someone in my situation could be expected to do. I cried. I cried for how weak I was, I cried for all the good times I had, I cried from all the bad times, I cried for everything.

I just sat there streaming hot tears ran down my face,”I’m so sorry, why did you have to die. I was always angry at you because I thought you left me. And when you came back I antagonized you. I’m so sorry you died because of me, because I didn’t notice, because I wasn’t fast enough.”

I started to shiver, my emotions brought a wave of cold across my body.”No, Andrew it wasn’t your fault.”
I looked up towards the voice, it was my grandmother standing in the snow hunched right over me.
“What do you mean”, I whimpered.

“I mean my death had nothing to do with it.” She stroked my cheek and smiled,”You feel so guilty because I left you so soon and unexpected. I mean even the guilt has affected your mind. You tried to bury your feelings and emotions so deep that your memories are a whole mess. I’m not even sure that the whole Johnny part was even real.”

“You mean he doesn’t exist?” I stood up. The snow wasn’t that deep so it wasn’t that hard to maneuver.

“No I mean that it might not be real but it might be real. You won’t know for sure until you wake up.”
I hugged her,”I don’t want to wake up though, now that I know why you’re here I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want to let go.” I sobbed. More tears began to run down my cold face.

“I won’t be gone I just won’t be in here anymore”, she pointed towards my head,”but rather in here”, she motioned towards her heart.”And besides just because you let go doesn’t mean you need to forget, you can still remember me.”

“I don’t want this to be the end.” I began pressing my head harder into her stomach.
“I’m sorry but it is. Goodbye Andrew.” She hugged me back.”Just promise not to forget me.

“I won’t grandma, I won’t.” The snow began to blow harder and harder until it was all white. And then I woke up.
My room was empty, my house quiet. My brother was in the hallway looking over the banister. I walked by him as quietly as I could.

“Hey where are you going?”
“To do something I’ve been meaning to do.” I left him with that and went downstairs. I walked past the hallway where I played hide and seek with her, past the living room where our movie times were, and into the garage.I moved my mom’s running machine, and moved my dad’s punching bag.

I then grabbed the box that was special to me.
I took one deep sight to see if I was ready for what might or might not be there. And then I opened the box.