AFRAID

“I've had just about enough of this…I didn't know what I was doing, I’d put myself
Through this Silent hell for long enough.”
So why couldn't I stop myself? Didn't I have enough self-control to finish this once and for all?
Hi my name is Shawnee, I live with my dad in North Chicago we go through a lot ever since my
Mom died well mostly me; I’m putting myself in a wrong position. I’d tried. Id tried every
Month, every week, every day but I just kept coming back for more, even though I knew what I
Was doing wasn't good for me. I knew it would ruin me, I knew it would ruin me for good and I
Couldn't ever be the same person. I cut myself day after day…
I wanted to back to that day when I was an innocent child and I didn't know what I was doing
What was right and what was wrong? When I didn't realize that there really was bad in the
World. I wanted to go back to that day where I didn’t know such a thing could happen, especially
To me. I sat at my window looking out any moment now my father would be home and I would
Have to deal with the abuse again. My dad is the type of person you don’t want mad, unless you
Can deal with pain. Tears started to roll down my cheek as I saw his headlights. I ran to my door,
I locked it and put my desk against it. All I want is one moment, the peace I've wished for the
Most.
I wipe away the tears, I hope it won’t be like this for any future daughter, I've had my
Moment, I paint a smile on my face, hide the fear inside, I open the door, take a deep breath,
I have arrived at my destination; I walk to my closet and take out a rope, slowly when I hear
Steps coming up I start to cry all over again I was afraid of death!
When the door opens I find to a surprise my dad was not yelling. The first thing he said was “my
Darling what on earth are you doing?” he pulled me down and for the first time since my
Mother’s death he actually gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me he loved me. I hugged him
Hard “Daddy what happened to you?” My baby I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry will you ever forgive
Me? Oh daddy I want to but I fear you, you hurt me so much, how about we just take it slow and
See where we end up. The next day around 2:45, a cop pulled up I went to the door and just then
It occurred to me that my dad was in trouble they asked me if I was the daughter of Mr. Andre. I
Said yes. “Honey your father is dead”, tears started to roll down my cheek, I was an idiot why
Didn't I forgive him right away? The cop asked me if my mother was home I bawled even more,
I had nobody I was on my own. I told him “no” he asked me to pack a bag I was going into
Foster care. I didn't want to so I decided to finish where I left off I went upstairs really slowly to
Make him think I was going to pack I went into my mother’s room I knew where she kept her
Gun in case of an emergency I pulled it out carefully my hands were shaking really bad I wasn't
Even sure if I could pull the trigger, I looked at my mom’s picture, closed my eyes. “Child” I
Jumped, my heart was beating really fast; the cop was at the door he asked me to put the gun on
The floor, I fell to my knees “why did everyone have to ruin my moment?” I need peace I yelled
“You have no one to care for you” he told me so you have to be put in foster, I told him I would
It would be four years till I could do whatever I wanted to it was the end to my happy ending...
I had no choice but to go. I meant nothing to anyone I was a nobody going into foster.
I was in foster for; four whole years it was the worst thing I had ever experienced besides when
My Dads hitting, I was turning 18 in three weeks and then I could get the heck out of here and
Forget my past where I hated myself for letting people hit me just for the fun of it.
Not only was I abused by dad but my foster brother too he told me if I ever told anyone he would
Have to kill me; a day before my birthday I decided to tell my foster Mom she told me I was liar
And was going to hell. I cried all night. I finally committed to myself that I was done with this
cruel life of mine it was over forever.