The Tall Tales of Maniel Carrington
Act I

All I ever knew was the warm, loving embrace of my parents. And while my parents and I were originally born in Mississippi, we left when I was just a baby due to my nearby cousin Dan falling into a vat of radioactive waste near our trailer park and morphing into an octopus. Whatever, it happens I guess. My parents didn’t want me growing up being influenced by an octopus, so they decided to move and make a better life for me in Central African Republic.

Life in Central African Republic was alright I guess. For the majority of the time that I lived there, I spent my time hunting, fishing, and wrestling jaguars. I guess you could say that I was always just a pretty strong kid for my age. And that was when I was only 7 years old. My dad used to call me his favorite little fish stick because fish sticks are high in protein and make me very strong. I used to eat them every day to keep up with my African lifestyle, fighting jaguars and all. All seemed perfect in Central African Republic.

Well, one day my family and I were at the nude beach just hanging out and having a good time. My dad was just jet skiing out on the water when all of a sudden, a hippo jumped out of the depths and latched onto my dad’s leg with its terribly large mouth. The hippo flailed my naked dad around and then bit his head off and ate it. My mom made a pathetic attempt to dive into the water and rescue him, but the hippo was just too powerful and crushed her skull and dragged her into the depths. I turned around, exasperated to find an old pirate- looking guy wearing an eye patch. “Aye, that be the Great Gray Millie,” he gasped suddenly.

“The what?”

“Aye boy, your parents are gone for good. Millie be the meanest hippo on this side of Africa. Run! Run while you can matey!”

I ran naked through the jungle for many fortnights. Only stopping occasionally to go to the bathroom and do a few crossword puzzles as I did so. I ran all the way until I hit the Ugandan border. Once I did, I ran into a man named Joseph Kony, or Jo Ko for short. I think he used to be a Boy Scout troop leader or something, I don’t really know. But he and his band of wild orangutans trained me and taught me how to fight, hunt, and how to use the toilet. As Uganda is apparently the only country in Africa whose citizens actually know how to use a toilet.

After living with Jo Ko and the orangutans for nearly 20 years, I felt that it was finally time to return to Central African Republic and avenge the death of my parents once and for all. With me, I took a spear, a bow and arrow, some smoke bombs, and a cheesy eye- mask that I bought at Nobbie’s for like a dollar. I hugged Jo Ko and each of the orangutans before I left. They all wished me good luck and told me that I ought take out the hippo’s heart and make revenge soup with it after I kill it. I said okay, but really I wasn’t going to do that because that’s actually pretty gross.

So, off I was. I was curious to see if Central African Republic had changed a whole lot in my 20 years of absence. I could barely sleep each night after I had stopped and set up camp. I could think only of that hippo and how badly I wanted to hurt its feelings. Oh, and I guess kill it. My heart raced at the very thought. All I knew was that when I saw that hippo’s ugly hippo face again I would wipe it’s ugly hippo grin right off. The following day would be the day that I had been training for, for the last 20 years.

It was dawn on Central African Republic. I trotted toward the water’s edge- the exact same water where my parents were killed right before my very eyes. I called out, “Millie! Come fight me you big gray tub of fat blubbery rubbish!” I waited a moment and nothing happened. But then, suddenly, I saw ripples in the water. And sure enough, a pair of beady, unforgiving hippo eyes was peering at me just over the surface of the water. I screamed like a chimpanzee and charged into the water, spear clenched in my hand. Millie jumped out of the water with a huge wake in her following. She opened her huge, gaping mouth in an attempt to snap my head off just as she did my parents years ago. But I quickly rolled out and the under her, and I plunged the spear straight into her stomach and yelled out, flailing my tongue.

Millie wobbled for a while and eventually fell to the ground. Before she took her last breath, she whispered, “Tell my husband- that he’s fat”. Millie’s eyes rolled back into her head and she closed them for the last time. I felt as though I had finally avenged my parents. I stood on top of her corpse and yelled like an insane monkey. But just then something came to me. I felt as though I had finally discovered my calling in life,

I decided I would take on the alias of Maniel Carrington, and I would be the first African superhero. I would go around and help people who had unjustness committed against them and would change Africa for the better. I ran into the jungle, with a glimmer of hope in ym eyes. The first glimmer of hope I had had in the last 20 years.