Jump. Jump. Jump! The voice in my mind repeated over and over again. I was standing on the ledge of an apartment building complex across town. Its an old building with red brick to make up the walls originally but were now getting replaced. Nobody was allowed to be here because it was to dangerous according to the sign hung on the window stating the construction permit. I reached up to my cheek realizing that I had tears streaming down my face. I hadn’t known I was crying but this wasn’t new to me. People thought I was weird and they had wanted to put me away. I didn’t want to go away I wanted to die.
I have heard these voices ever since I was little They were the only ones I had to talk to. My mother was never around, she had to work constantly to pay for food and our tiny little apartment in the poor part of town. My father on the other hand he didn’t even know I existed, or he did and he just didn’t care. I was always on my own and the only ones who were kind of there were Them. I didn’t like having Them, it made me different when all I want was to fit in. They would play dolls and do puzzles with me when I was younger, but when I hit about fourteen they became mean. They made fun of me, They would say that I was fat, that I had no friends, and that nobody cared about me. They had told me to kill myself once, but I had never taken it into consideration until now. Maybe They were right, maybe I should jump.
When I turned sixteen this past October They got worse. Their voices got louder and angrier. Telling me to jump every minute of everyday. It became harder to sleep and harder to eat, harder to do anything, even the simple things. I didn’t have anyone at school I kept mostly to myself, because They told me that even if I did make friends that all of them would leave. I was terrified of being left alone again so I just kept to myself so that the opportunity didn’t present itself. Life had become really difficult as of lately. Having nobody ever can really get to you. That’s when They suggested something, something to take away all of these feelings that I had. I was very weary of trying there suggestion, but after another day of being ignored, and tortured I gave in. finding something sharp anything sharp tearing apart my room trying to find the perfect object. I found it. I remember letting out a sigh of relief as I had done it, like everything that had been building up until that moment was all gone. I had no worries all I had was a slight pain on my wrist. Everything that had been inside was now out and it felt amazing.
That had been only the beginning things had gotten worse over time. That whole release process happened more and more and more often until it became an every day thing. Anytime I had a feeling that I didn’t know how to deal I would go to that. They suggested it so why not I mean they were inside of me so maybe I was letting them out. Letting them out would be the only way to really live. Nobody telling me these horrible things, nobody suggesting that I die, but best of all nobody making me feel worthless.
Looking off of the edge with Them still screaming at me, I started to think back to the last time I was happy. It had been a really long time since I had been happy.
“Hey Zoey are you coming to my house tonight? I think Tate is going to be there!” Autumn my only friend in seventh grade said to me as we parted ways her heading to her house and I going to mine. I liked Tate I liked him a lot. He was tall and had tan skin, was extremely shy and really sweet. I knew that the popular girl Briar liked him; she would probably get him anyway. Nobody wants a short girl with mousy brown hair and people talking in there head. Nobody wanted me, not even my dad. “ZOEY!” She screamed walking up to me waving her hand in my face. Apparently I had zoned out again, I was always doing that.
“Yea ill be there Autumn don’t worry.” I was trying to speak at a normal level, but I failed miserably considering that They were also talking to me. I quickly walked away before she could ask why I was yelling. We hung out later that day, I had gone to her house and I saw Tate. He offered for us to go out driving since he had just gotten a new car that afternoon. I sat in the front seat and Autumn sat in the back with a random guy who I hadn’t really known but she obviously did. As we were driving I realized we were heading off to the woods, I loved going to the woods they were my favorite place everything was quiet, it was the only place I could try to talk to the voices and get them to calm down even though it never really worked. We walked around and I had this feeling of lightness as if everything was going to work out it was amazing. That feeling was the same feeling I would later get from self-harming, that lightness you get afterwards. We walked around for what felt like forever.
“Want to go off on an adventure?” he asked of course I wanted to go an adventure with him. That was the thing I wanted to do most in life!
“Uh um yes.” I kind of stuttered back to him. He grabbed my hand and told the other two that he had his cell incase of an emergency. He held my hand tight as we ran laughing through the woods to god knows where. He told me to close me eyes so I did so, when I opened them we were in front of a tree stump over looking a stream. It was so simple, yet so beautiful. We sat and talked about everything by the time we realized where we were it was dusk, so we headed back. It was so amazing talking to him.
Once we reached the car it was nightfall. The sky was that kind of blue that happened when the sun has just gone down and it’s not to dark but just dark enough to where you cant really see much. He started heading back to Autumn’s house. Once we got there he reached for my arm telling me to stay inside the car. He drove off and started to go fast the kind of fast that you’d be terrified of it, it wasn’t for that feeling of being completely invincible, that extreme happiness that washes over you and you cant do anything but smile, because you know that you’re with someone you care about and you know they care about you too. It’s all just so surreal.
That night we drove to the beach and hung out on the hood of his car, not doing anything but talking and looking at the stars with the sound of the waves crashing in the distance and the smell of salt water in the air. That was the last time I was happy. After that night Tate never talked to me again. I hadn’t known what I did wrong, maybe it was not telling him how I felt or maybe it was the fact that nobody would ever like me. I really didn’t know and it hurt to know that the guy that I really liked didn’t want me back. Autumn said that he was a jerk and that he did that to every girl. He had a knack for making them feel really special and then would dump them right away. I was stupid to think I was going to be the exception.
I took a step back from the ledge and sat down feeling the wind push my hair back. Tears were still falling down my face at a rapid pace, but the wind up at this height dried the before they could drip from my face. I had everything, what happened? I cried out into the silence. Wait I thought “silence there’s nobody talking!”
“What happened? I thought you were going to jump!” They were angry I had almost done what They had wanted, but was it what I wanted? It had been too good to be true silence was no longer a thing in my world, at least not for to long. “You fail at EVERYTHING!” They screeched at me making me flinch at the noise. It had gone from a low whisper to a full out scream in a matter of seconds, and I was not ready for that.
Hearing footsteps behind me I got nervous. I started to search for where the sound had come from and I realized it had come from below. Standing back up and looking over the edge I saw someone I never thought Id see again. Tate. He was standing there looking up at me with tears in his eyes. Maybe he had come to do the same as me, or maybe it was just by chance that he had walked by and saw me there and didn’t know whom I was. But he definitely knew who I was now.
“No please don’t!” he yelled up. “Wait there I’m coming” getting nervous I took a step close. I hadn’t ever wanted to have to have him in my life again yet here he was right under me looking for a way to get closer. I heard the sound of feet on a rusty metal ladder and I started to panic. What if he talked me out of it? I really wanted this I wanted to die. I wanted to be left alone. I had come close to dying so many times when the self-harm had gotten bad what makes this any different. Nobody cares about me why should it even matter.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around. He looked down at me with tears stained eyes, he was crying. Why was he crying? Was he crying for me or for something else? Maybe he was going to jump himself and then realized he couldn’t because I was here? Maybe I ruined his happiness for my own! I was so selfish. I can’t stand to be here, I ruin everything!
“What happened to you Zoey? You used to be so happy?” I shrugged my shoulders and let out a laugh.
“Happy you thought I was happy!? I haven’t been happy in years! The last time I was happy you know what happened? You happened Tate. You came and made me feel so special and then you walked away you left me with nothing. I was in love with you and then you were gone!” I screamed at him crying even harder. I had just told him everything; everything that I had held in for so long was now out in the open.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.” He trailed off. “I wasn’t ready to be with someone but if I were to be with anyone I would have wanted you. I hope you know that.” He sounded like he was growing impatient. Was I just an inconvenience to him now?
“You’re an inconvenience to everyone no trust him you stupid little girl!” They yelled. I jumped surprised to hear from Them. Usually when others were being mean and making me cry they left me alone, but now they were getting worse. The only way to stop them was to jump. I took a little step closer. Tate put his arm out grabbing my wrist.
“Don’t Zoey please don’t. I need you.” He said to me with a single tear falling down his face.
“He doesn’t need you nobody needs you. Nobody wants you you’re worthless!” They were shouting at me, I couldn’t block them out if I tried.
“Tate you don’t need me and you sure as hell don’t want me! I’m not stupid I know how you work. You make a girl feel special and then you leave them.”
He looked at me with a sad face. I was right I had guessed it he didn’t really want me, he just didn’t want to know that he couldn’t save me. He didn’t want my blood on his hands.

I pulled my arm out of his grasp and went back over to the ledge. The sound of sirens started wailing in my ears. I looked over the ledge once again and saw that they were headed for where I was.

“You called the police,” I screamed at Tate, I couldn’t believe he had done that. “How selfish could he be? I cant get arrested they’ll put me in a nut house, I cant go there I don’t belong there.”

“I loved you Zoey don’t you get that? I loved you so much it scared me. I didn’t know what to do so I left, and I know now that it was the worst decision I have ever made.” He must have felt his tears rushing down his face, because he angrily took his sleeve and whipped them away. He took a step closer to me. “You jump, I jump.” He said as if it were an everyday thing, as though it was an old agreement that had been made in the past, but it wasn’t this was entirely new.

“No Tate you aren’t meant to jump or to die you have your whole life ahead of you!” I shouted noticing the wind was picking up.

“Exactly! Don’t you get it, you have your whole life ahead of you too, it has just started and you’re already ready to end it.” I could tell he was getting tired, he was close to either giving up or jumping with me.

I wasn’t scared of death I never had been even as a little girl it never scared me. My grandmother had died when I was five and it fascinated me to no end. I thought it was amazing that someone who had just been walking and talking, would never do so again. At about eight my cousin committed suicide, I thought this was amazing, he had been there talking to me seeming so happy and then three hours later we got a call that he shot his brains out. He had just been there with me one second and dead the next. I thought the power of suicide was a wonderful thing. You held the power to control life and death. The fragile thing that everyone tried to preserve, so many were ending.

“But Tate I am tired of trying to be happy, I’m tired of living this life. They yell at me and They tell me to die. I can’t take it anymore.” I felt my tears falling off my chin at a rapid pace. I fell onto the ground and curled up in a ball. Tate rushed over and held me while I sobbed it was one thing to be cared for, but an entirely different thing to be loved.
“Zoey I love you and nothing will ever change that, ill be hear when they yell and ill yell even louder. Ill always be here and ill never leave you again. I promise.” He whispered in my ear.

It took me about two minutes to realize what was going on. Tate was holding me, he loved me, and he had just said the words that I hadn’t heard once in my life. I was loved.
He pulled me up off the ground and made me stand up. My legs felt week and I was tired. The wind was really strong from when I first stood up on the ledge. We were still standing by the ledge now. I was standing there for about a minute with Tate right next to me, the wind howling in my ear mixed with the sounds of sirens right below my feet.
I felt the wind push me and I stumbled. I heard Tate screaming and I felt like I was flying. I reached out and grabbed and nothing, I was falling. The wind had pushed me off and now I was hurling towards my death. I was going to die and there was no question about it. The cement sidewalk and the height together were enough to break my neck, if not every bone in my body.
I had gotten what I had wanted, and then lost it in a matter of minutes. I had been saved and then lost it. I lost everything.
“He loved you, he wasn’t lying.” They said in barely a whisper. “He really loved you.” They were being nice, They hadn’t been nice since I was little, but now They were. Maybe they realized the imminent death and were trying to make up for the horrible things They had put me through. I realized in this split second, I never wanted to die; I just wanted to be saved, saved from them, and saved from myself, saved.
I felt the wind being blown out or me and I heard many loud cracks. I had hit the ground. I felt nothing. I could hear the large group of cops and bystanders crowding around me. Someone kept telling me to keep breathing, but I knew I couldn’t. it was my time to go and I couldn’t deny death any longer. I looked up and saw something hurling down towards me, I heard another loud thump and tried to turn my head, but it was stuck in place.
“I will always love you.” He whispered one last time. They hadn’t won this time, and They never would again. I closed my eyes and gave into the darkness.