First, get rid of all your summer clothes. They will not be useful in Alaska. Then kill ten deer and skin them. Make sure to scrape the fur off because fur is a hindrance in moving. Sew together coat, pants, shoes, hat, and gloves using only one layer of hide for each article of clothing. No, you will not look bulky or silly. Everybody up there wears moose skins if poor and polar bear skins if rich.

Know how to ride a horse. Of course horses can’t survive up there! You will ride a polar bear. No saddle is needed. Control an animal by pulling its fur. Reins are impossible to get on a polar bear. Why? Well, because they don’t like them, of course. What did you think?

Learn how to wrestle cattle. That’s the only way you can catch your polar bear to ride. Jump off the top of a hard-packed snow bank or your house, if it is close enough, and land on its back. Oh, sure, it will be a wild ride at first, but you’ll manage.

Learning to chop ice and pack snow to make an igloo is crucial. Ice will be your house. Of course, start small, maybe six feet wide, and add onto your igloo later. Poor people live in those while rich people live in ice mansions. A few even make ice trailer homes.

No, don’t burrow into a snow bank. People will think you’re a thief. Snow banks are where Alaskans keep their money. Fish are used for money in Alaska. Money is free for the catching. You and your pet penguin can also feed your polar bear money. You can see why money is very popular. Why, fish oil can even be used for lighting. Fish scales can be jewelry when strung on polar bear hairs. Fish acts as all kinds of money in Alaska.

Seals become teachers and servants in Alaska. If you’re brave enough, seals can teach you how to swim deep down, stalk fish, then hook them. Seals can also be trained to catch fish for you and deliver them. A Yupik friend of mine has three seals working full time for him. He is rich in houses, land, animals, and cars. Yes, his cars are polar bears, too.

You don’t have to look like an Eskimo. Eskimo neighbors will teach you how to act, talk, and basically be an Eskimo. By the time you come back to visit us in the Lower Forty-eight, you will be an Eskimo. People will be in awe of you because you braved the Antarctic temperatures and came back alive. What? Alaska isn’t in the Antarctic? You have much to learn.