An uncomfortable Betrothal | Teen Ink

An uncomfortable Betrothal

June 11, 2010
By Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise


I sighed as Clarissa strutted into the room. I can't believe that this is who my parents chose for me to live my life with. Her blonde locks were piled up on her head in a fashion that made it seem that just one more strand of hair would cause her to topple over from the weight. Her snobby little nose was lifted as she walked forward. I bowed slightly and took her hand in mine. Reluctantly I greeted her with politeness. "Hello Clarissa, How have you been?"

"I've been well enough sir." she replied, rolling her small brown eyes. She was always determined to only say what was required of her and no more. The only thing we seemed to agree on was that we would much rather be doing something else. I missed the smooth keys of the grand piano under my fingertips, the rough wood of a pencil as I conjured up and wrote down my song or the dusty smell of the books I so cherished as I read Romeo and Juliet for the third time. None of which activities my schedule had lately permitted. I would even cherish just a small moment to sit in the grass and soak up the sun. But the majority of the past week was spent making arrangements for the wedding, something I was forced to take part of.

Is money really worth making yourself miserable for? What is a new rug compared to an evening of laughter and joy with a person you admire and can confide in? Why must I sacrifice the chance to find someone I want to spend my life with for a snobby, pessimistic little girl who won't even talk to me?

I let out a relieved breath as my mother and father came in the room. My mother, Marilynn, was a slight woman of tall stature. She had big, deep green, smiling eyes. Her curly midnight hair was braided and twisted in ways to create a bundle at the top of her heart shaped face. My father was a bulky man, only a few inches taller than my mother. His short, straight chocolate brown hair was brushed and parted neatly, mostly to one side. She wore an elegant and flowing green dress adorned with black diamonds around the waist and flared sleeves while he wore a white silk shirt under his best jacket and a red pair of trousers.

I smiled as I heard the little padding of feet from behind them. A small round head poppedout from the shadows, blonde curls bouncing as they shimmer in the candle light. A toothless smile lit up the rosy cheeks and a chuckle sounded from my smiling lips as she rans to my arms. I lifted her up and swung her around, causing her to giggle sweetly. At four years old my little sister was as light as a feather and more important to me than anything. "Maxx!" she squealed, grabbing my collar then hanging back, swinging her hair back and forth.

"Be careful Haley." I cautioned playfully. She squirmed out of my arms and I began to chase her but stopped in my tracks as I saw the stern "Stop making a fool of yourself" look in my father's eyes. I groaned inwardly as I realized they weren't here to end my meeting with Clarissa, just to observe. A quick click of impatience emitted from Clarissa's heel and I turned my attention back to her as the night droned on.

The author's comments:
I wrote this as i was trying to get to know a character for my book better.

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This article has 32 comments.


on Sep. 21 2010 at 6:21 am
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

I like this character A LOT better than elphie! :) :) :)  Really, really great character, and different, too.  Usually when you think about a betrolthal, you think about how bad it is for the chick, I look forwrd to reading it  from the guy's POV.  Also, your descriptions wer very nice and I could feel the tension and atmosphere of your intened mood.  Great job, 5 stars :)

on Sep. 8 2010 at 6:22 pm
SecretNonConformist SILVER, Marblehead, Massachusetts
6 articles 0 photos 195 comments

Favorite Quote:
The only thing necessary for the triumph of
evil is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke

"Bless the children, give them triumph, now!"
Aeschylus, The Libation Bearers

no one will, don't worry!

on Sep. 8 2010 at 5:06 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

I really want to post my book, but (and i'm not joking) my mom won't let me, she doesn't want someone to steal my ideas

on Sep. 6 2010 at 6:57 pm
SecretNonConformist SILVER, Marblehead, Massachusetts
6 articles 0 photos 195 comments

Favorite Quote:
The only thing necessary for the triumph of
evil is for good men to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke

"Bless the children, give them triumph, now!"
Aeschylus, The Libation Bearers

I loved your characters. They were described very well and I could picture the scene taking place. If you want to know, I want to know more! Post that book you said you were writing.

on Sep. 4 2010 at 10:38 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Okay, i'll take those things into considerstion, thank you for the feedback!

on Sep. 4 2010 at 10:36 am
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Haha, I can sympathize with this character. He's such a hopeless romantic. Loved the imagery in the 2nd stanza, with the piano and the pencil, etc. Be careful, though, you use "cherish" twice in the same sentence. It works great the first time, but the second time, a different word like "enjoy" or "I would even rather have a small moment to sit in the grass" would be better. Finally, I don't know when this story is set, but it sounds 19th-century and "Haley" was probably almost never used as a name. Hannah, Dorothy, Rose...names that are more old-timey would be more realistic.

on Jul. 27 2010 at 2:45 pm
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

I'm really close actually! and thank you!!

on Jul. 27 2010 at 2:44 pm
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
30 articles 0 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have always wanted to write in such a way that people say, 'I have always thought that but never found the words for it.'" -anonymous

Exactly... glad you understand. Good job though... I really hope you finished this book up... I bet it coud be really good.

on Jul. 27 2010 at 2:42 pm
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

I didn't think you were trying to be mean and really i don't think people should wirte stuff like Oh my gosh i loooovvvvveeeewd it unless they really mean it. And that is the point of the site right? to help eachother become better writers!

on Jul. 27 2010 at 2:40 pm
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
30 articles 0 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have always wanted to write in such a way that people say, 'I have always thought that but never found the words for it.'" -anonymous

Haha no problem. And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I just like it when peole are honest with my stuff. I mean your writing is great. I just was trying to help you make it even better.

on Jul. 27 2010 at 2:39 pm
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Well it wasn't just to get to know him but to also know his loved ones and his past and stuff like that but thank you for your feedback!!

on Jul. 27 2010 at 2:38 pm
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
30 articles 0 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have always wanted to write in such a way that people say, 'I have always thought that but never found the words for it.'" -anonymous

This was good. The writing and descriptions were really well done. Except, for an exercise to get to know your character I felt like there was too much OBVIOUS description. A little too much time spent on the color of people's hair, not enough on the character himself.

Feel bad for the guy.


on Jul. 6 2010 at 8:45 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Thanks, i've been in a writing funk for a few weeks so i just do some exersizes like that to make sure i'm not doing nothing!!

KK2013 GOLD said...
on Jul. 4 2010 at 12:03 pm
KK2013 GOLD, Solon, Ohio
10 articles 2 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.-J. K. Rowling

Wow, you quite effectively put us into the mind of the narrator, I feel bad for him, poor guy.

aub13zzz said...
on Jul. 4 2010 at 11:43 am
i really liked it... it definately suited an exercise to get to know a character, because u focused mostly on the description of the character's loved ones (and not-so-loved ones in Clarissa's cases haha) and the setting, rather than the actual plot! keep writing! :)

on Jun. 30 2010 at 11:55 am
aaaaaqweqweqwe SILVER, Somewhere, Illinois
6 articles 0 photos 67 comments

Interesting. I liked the description, although the plot was a bit cliche. I olike ow you describe that both of the betrotheds would rather be doing other things. You could definitely use this as an introduction to something bigger.

 

If you get the chance, be sure to check out some of my newer work :)


on Jun. 30 2010 at 11:01 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Thank you for your feedback! Yeah you are right on pretty much everything but i really wasn't putting my all into this because it was just an exercise!! Thank you!!

on Jun. 29 2010 at 10:01 am
Midnight_Hum SILVER, Hearne, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 48 comments

I started off really liking your title. It sounded like something Lemony Snicket would come up with. Otherwise, I really didn't find any other similarities.

Firstly, you were very good with descriptions. I especially liked, “Her blonde locks were piled up on her head in a fashion that made it seem that just one more strand of hair would cause her to topple over from the weight.” Very original.

But instead of taking time to get to know your characters, you seem to rush into them.

“I missed the smooth keys of the grand piano under my fingertips, the rough wood of a pencil as I conjured up and wrote down my song or the dusty smell of the books I so cherished as I read Romeo and Juliet for the third time,” you wrote. It seemed a little too arbitrary for me. Give time to get to know your characters.

I also believe that you over-emphasized the fact that the main character does not want to get married. Once the reader knows this, try to stress this with his emotions and actions, rather than just thoughts. It's more creative and is not as tiring as repeatedly reading, “I really didn't want to get married (or whatever)” over and over again. If you can that, you can be a great writer.

You kind of did this with the ending, “A quick click of impatience emitted from Clarissa's heel and I turned my attention back to her as the night droned on.”

All in all, it will be interesting to see how the story progresses.

P.S. I never grade grammar, 'cause mines atrocious AND I'm from Texas! Just so you know!


on Jun. 29 2010 at 9:44 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Thank you and i know about the commas. Comma p[lacement and spelling are my weakest points!

on Jun. 28 2010 at 3:27 pm
ReadWriteBreathe PLATINUM, Pocatello, Idaho
24 articles 4 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you" Tyler Durden Fight Club

This is very descriptive. It's really interesting. There were a few commas missing but other than that, amazing.


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