Why? Why do you do the things you do? What have I ever done to deserve this? What have any of us done to deserve this? You drink, but why? You always stop at the store on the way home from work, to buy beer and wine. You always grab the biggest bottle of wine and a 12 pack of beer. You would think that it would last at least two days, but it is always gone on the first night. 

I remember a lot of moments that have happened caused by your drinking. You would not think that a 15-year-old could remember something that happened when they were 5, but they can. The night that you came in screaming, I thought something bad would happen, but thankfully nothing did. You left and stayed at your parents’ house. 

I always thought you were the good guy, but now, seeing the way you really are, you are the bad guy. What have we done for you to be this way? Was it something we did? Was it something I did? There is no reason I can think of for you to act this way.

You are rude, you yell all the time. I don’t like living in this house with you this way. You get mad that, I don’t like sitting with you. You don’t realize that I am scared of what you could do. I am scared of you.

Nobody should ever have to go through this, especially at a young age. 

I hate you sometimes, but I know I can’t. I want to yell at you, but I know if I do, I’ll get into trouble. You always tell me to speak my mind, but if I do, it’s wrong. You tell me to be myself, but if I act weird I’m crazy? Why? Why can’t you make up your mind? You say I’m smart but I do one thing wrong and I’m stupid. Why?

Do you know what is going on in my mind? I hate this life. I don’t like you. I don’t want to live in this house anymore, I just want to get away from you, far away from here. You don’t understand the pain that you have put us through. I hate it. I want it to end, but there is nothing I can do. 

Do you not understand that a person should not have to go through this. It hurts. You don’t know that I cry a lot when you go to bed at night. You ask me if I am okay every once and a while, but when I try and open up to you, you tell me you are busy and tell me to tell you about it later.  I want to tell you that I don’t like what you do, but I can’t stop it, mom can’t stop it and my brother doesn’t even try to stop it. I wish you would stop drinking. You do not understand that what you do has caused me to not like you. It’s not like I hate you, I just wish you were different, I wish you did not drink, I wish that you were nicer to the rest of us.

Why? Just why? I would ask you why, but you would not tell me. You act like I am still 5, but I’m not and you know it. I know more things than I wish I did. But, yet I still don’t know why? Why, do you drink? Why do you treat me like I am a nobody? Why do you yell at mom? Why do you yell at me? You get mad when I have homework and I can’t do the dishes right away. But yet you tell me school is the most important thing in my life right now. Why can’t you make up your mind? 

I have never done anything to hurt you, yet you sit there and constantly knock me down. My head hurts from all of the thoughts going on in it. I will always wonder why? Mom always tells me that when I was first born, you very rarely drank, but after a couple of years, you gradually started to drink more and more. I don’t think you even know why you drink, or maybe you do. But will I ever know? No. That’s because you don’t open up, but that’s fair. I don’t open up either. I would tell you all of this but you would get mad at me for telling the truth. 

My friends automatically know when something is wrong, they always ask me if it was you that made me mad. That is sad that they already know. It should not be that way, but it is, and I have to live with it. I tell my friends that I’m fine, they never believe me. They just know to act as they believe me. I ask them why? They always say that it is for the best that they don’t tell me why. I hate that you have affected my school life. You don’t know that I like going to school, because it gets me away from you.

You used to be my favorite person, but growing up, I have learned that your favorite person can change so fast. I like to think of good times, and the times that I think about times with you, I can only think of one. The time we went to the Hoover Dam, was one of the best. On the way there you kept making Dam jokes, and my brother and I just kept laughing. I did not know that that was going to be one of the last good times spent with you.

To this day, you still drink, you yell, you fight with mom, all of the time. I live in a toxic household, and you are the cause of it. I wish you would just stop drinking, I hate that you do, but I don’t hate you. Can’t you just tell me why you do the things you do? You can’t because you are always intoxicated. Other people get drunk and they are funny, or they pass out right away, but you, you sit there and are a horrible person. 

Why? Why do you act this way? In front of your friends, you act all nice, but at home, you yell, you scream, you yell about things that you have no control over. But why? Is it because you drink? Is it because you don’t like your life? Is it because you don’t like your family, and you just act like it?  I want to know why? I need to know why.