Astria's Nightmare

August 3, 2014
By KristySparklez BRONZE, Sterling, Colorado
KristySparklez BRONZE, Sterling, Colorado
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Time only numbs all pain, it does not heal the wounds created by, nor does it heal the pain


Summary:

Her father is dead and Astria is thrown into a whole new world. New people, new surroundings, and nothing to remind her of her past. Not that she wants anything to do with her past.
But there's one constant memory keeping her up at night, a memory she would rather have forgotten but is unable to.
Will she be able to cope with everything new? What if she can't get the memory to disappear?
Astria is in for one big Nightmare.


Kristine J.

Astria's Nightmare


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This book has 3 comments.


on Aug. 17 2014 at 1:48 pm
kingofwriters BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Books are a uniquely portable magic." - Stephen King

I love books, and I love technology, but I don't want to see the latter overwhelm the former. I just think books are meant to be pages you turn, not screens you scroll through.

All right, that's good! I was worrying that I came off as kind of relentless with that comment! I'd be happy to read this again after you make some changes to it, and I'm really glad you found my advice helpful! :)

on Aug. 17 2014 at 12:10 pm
KristySparklez BRONZE, Sterling, Colorado
2 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Time only numbs all pain, it does not heal the wounds created by, nor does it heal the pain

I'm actually hapy for your thoughts. I would rather have someone explain what could be changed and all that of what you said, instead of someone telling me its great and not change a thing. I'm trying real hard to make my writings the best that I can/ SO I do appreciate your brutual honesty as you put it ;).
I will in fact take in consideration of what you have told me. And I will figure someway to let you know of my changes and maybe you will consider reading again to see.
Again, thank you(: I do appreciate it!

on Aug. 16 2014 at 8:56 pm
kingofwriters BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Books are a uniquely portable magic." - Stephen King

I love books, and I love technology, but I don't want to see the latter overwhelm the former. I just think books are meant to be pages you turn, not screens you scroll through.

(WARNING: BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD) This is decent, but I have a few suggestions that I think could make this a better start to your novel:  Change the beginning. I think you should completely omit the first section and start the book right when Astria is in the interrogation room. In my opinion, the first section is rather unnecessary and the story would benefit if you got rid of it. Also, there is still a lot of room for a LOT of development in the first chapter; lengthen it! Make the interrogator an actual character with a name and a unique personality instead of just having him in there solely to interrogate Astria! Don't skip out on opportunites for more story development unless you have too much, and in this case you have far, far too little.  Slow down the pacing. Both the first and second chapters move way too fast for me to form any kind of connection with the story or the characters. Take your time. Move slowly through the beginning instead of sprinting through everything, and really dwell on the moments that deserve more attention.  Liven it up! Your description is not bad by any means, but it is certainly not engaging, and neither are the characters. The characters' dialogue does not make them more interesting in any way, and in some cases, it only makes them more bland (especially with Ian; he displays virtually no personality whatsoever). Both the characters and the description is this story could benefit from personality; otherwise, they're just ordinary and lifeless.  Those are the three main problems I had with the story, and the last two were very prevalent throughout both chapters. The pacing was extremely rushed, and the characters, the dialogue, and description were all rather uninvolving. I'll admit, it does have a cool atmosphere of urgency to it, but it comes at the expense of fluency and depth. Don't get me wrong; this isn't bad writing, but it didn't entice me to read further because nothing really interested me. It needs to be more elaborate, more intimate, and LONGER. Feel free to share with me your thoughts. If you disagree with something I said, please tell me, because I don't know everything.  (I apologize for the staggering length of this comment :P)


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