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2 Brothers part 1 (NEW)

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Cassandra C.
2 Brothers part 1 (NEW)
Summary: Summary: John Lonnen, grew up an orphan, but his brother was the favorite of the one's who raised him, they taught his brother to do wrong, now his brother was known as Cobra Commander, he had to stop him, he goes through many adventures along the way, but finally, he gets his brother to snap out of it. But how?





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raindance72 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 28, 2011 at 7:48 pm:
I think you have a great story in the making here. However, you do need a little work on your punctuation, as the excessive commas can be a little bit confusing. As Jappy said, the age-relationship is a bit confusing. Maybe make it a bit more understated and more obviously childlike. Keep writing, though, I can tell you have big potential! :)
 
iWriter365 replied...
Feb. 10, 2012 at 3:34 pm :
Yeah, I'll change the punctuation later, but the age thing... it's not that big of a deal, my first kiss was when I was in 3rd grade, it was also my first french kiss :P, probably other things, but I won't tell you all that. :/
 
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Jappyalldayeveryday said...
Dec. 28, 2011 at 6:22 pm:
I thought the romance between John and Jade was cute, but you have to make them a little older, like 10 or eleven, because I don't think 8 year olds would ever kiss the way they did....It got a little confusing in the end, it seemed like he was aging so quick.
 
iWriter365 replied...
Dec. 28, 2011 at 6:35 pm :
well, changing the age thing, wouldn't work out for me.. but if I slowed down the aging, the story would be too long, he has a long story behind him. Oh and guess what? I'm working on an animation based on it, that probably won't be confusing :), Im also drawing pics
 
iWriter365 replied...
Feb. 10, 2012 at 3:36 pm :
Oh, and BTW... they aren't to young, OK they are, but it's fiction, plus I've made-out with someone at that age... :) yeah, I know, not your everyday girl.
 
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