Dust | Teen Ink


February 28, 2009
By TangledThoughts BRONZE, Upland, California
TangledThoughts BRONZE, Upland, California
2 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Crimson droplets pulse down
A pale cracked porcelain moon.
Stirring up the long dehydrated springs mud,
Unsettling silt turrets and chaffing puffs of milkweed.
A blunted raven fruitlessly tries to cough out the dry aftertaste.

Overgrown roads lead nowhere
Stifled weeds attempt to veil the scars,
But are only left to perish in a metropolis of dust.
Vanished is our control.

Champagne eyes see only in a slender line
Proportioned to a ashen pewter, lukewarm existence,
Keeping time to a metallic beat.

Drugged to keep us from the switchbacks
Life is only touched in mute happenings.

Collapsed are our lungs, devoid of real air
Crumpled are our hearts, replaced by chrome
And dusty are our minds.
We our but a silhouette, an outline in the grime, a vacant shell.

Translucent is evolution, while once our fingers traced the stars,
They now only muffle the dirt.

The author's comments:
I was inspired to look into our future, and somtimes,in my mind, this is what it holds.

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This article has 8 comments.

Kiersten said...
on Feb. 1 2010 at 9:33 am
I love how you described everything as just turning into dust in the end. Very well written!

on Jan. 10 2010 at 2:52 am
ShernayB. DIAMOND, Southfield, Michigan
62 articles 1 photo 881 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Some things will never change"---Tupac

This is very creative and well written. It reminds me of that short story "There Will Come Soft Rains" by Ray Bradbury. The line where you state "we are but a silhouette..."really brings me back to the story because the family who died from nuclear bomb or rain was wiped out and nothing was left of them but their silhouettes. So your piece is very brilliant! I LOVE IT! fascinating imagery.

poetess said...
on May. 11 2009 at 11:40 pm
this poem has good imagery, but it can be a little bit overwelming at times.

on May. 5 2009 at 1:44 am
bookhugger14 SILVER, Delta, Ohio
7 articles 1 photo 32 comments
the imagery... WOW. that isn't all that can describe this poem but i am so blown away WOW! great job lovely job! :)

on Mar. 20 2009 at 12:58 am
oruga101 BRONZE, Lexington, Kentucky
2 articles 0 photos 8 comments
That was great! The imagery was very unique and interesting. There were a few small grammar mistakes:

"We our(are) but a silhouette"

"Proportioned to a(an) ashen pewter"

But all in all, it was very good.

Good luck with future writing!

Kathleen E. said...
on Mar. 19 2009 at 10:22 pm
This is good. I liked some lines like "A blunted raven fruitlessly tries to cough out the dry aftertaste." It's really strong overall. The only thing I can think is that some of the stanza transitions were a little abrupt. If you can make them more seamless, this would be perfect. It seemed that some words were a little pedantic; but make sure to keep most because they were very descriptive. It was just a little overwhelming at times. I think the word usage gets much better after "Collapsed are our lungs..." But, nonetheless, it's a really wonderful poem as it is now. =)

mstampfler said...
on Mar. 18 2009 at 12:57 pm
i think you're a very talented writer. :]

EdytD SILVER said...
on Mar. 18 2009 at 1:46 am
EdytD SILVER, Livingston, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 258 comments
It's good; I especially liked the second to last paragraph; I was just curious - did you mean "our" or "are?" It's a pretty pesimistic outlook on the world...

If you'd like, you could comment on my poem: TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/91407/A-Lonely-Rain/

(it's not exactly uplifting either, but it has a different tone.)