What makes something normal?

This isn’t normal to me.

Usually I’m in control, I can fake acting formal.

But today it was too much and my tears wanted to be free,

Free from my eyes that darted chaotically.

Free from the lies that I tell.

I get asked “are you doing ok” periodically

But today, against my efforts, the curtain fell

Revealing that I’m not as put together as I thought.

“Someone said that you looked upset”

And the tears started to roll no matter how hard I fought

I’d never cried in public before, never made my sleeves so wet.

I said “I'm fine, I’m ok, I’m fine”

The only words I could bare to get out.

I repeated them again even though I kept crying

But wouldn’t tell her what I was crying about.

I couldn't quite tell,

Because of her unchanging expression,

if she felt my sadness as well

Or if she just felt obligated to ask a few questions

So that if I were to never come back,

At least she could say that she tried

To help the girl having an anxiety attack.

To comfort the kid who said “I'm fine” while she cried.

I walked away from that encounter

Embarrassed and ashamed.

How could I let so many people see underneath?

It's proof I’m not as strong as I claimed.

As I walked towards my safe haven  

And away from prying eyes,

I was hyperventilating and started tearing up again.

Walking quicker so I could find a place to hide.

I let myself crumble and had to remember to keep breathing.

I could sob and sniffle until I felt drowsy

and after I ran out of tears and felt less uneasy

I would begin this poem and writing would save me.