What you used to do to help yourself fall asleep. You would let the night’s finger bend, curl, brush your lashes, give permission for the dark to crawl from one corner of your eye to the other, embrace the anthem of well pronounced nothing in your ears, all tucked in tight with prayer.

As a cradle bed catholic you were taught to give all the hours of everyday to God through your heart and mind, but that’s not the reason why you mumbled teary-eyed to the ceiling. There was something you tried to whisper into mass, into body, a girl.

A girl to blow the dewy depression away from my head, to cup your cheeks as if they were honey crisps, holding them so carefully as if the ground plotted to bruise them, and she will build an orchard every time your cheeks would puff, juice filled when you smiled. So that she can prove… you didn’t like boys after all… but you and I both know the truth, and only one voice has broken your dishonest straightness out loud. And it seems it's the only thing your mind follows.

The reason sometimes, the morning alarm and removal of covers would form a furious kiss sprouted with knuckles driving your Adam’s Apple. That Mirrors were disappointing blind dates, just wishing to see a different person in the glass every time.

I know the bathroom floor has felt your back more than once, every tear’s caressed, suicidal jump to meet the cheap tile mixed with the remains of a shower irrigated from your skin. The towel was both the tissue and draped hug to your shoulders while hiding your shame that never washed away no matter how many times you purged your oils. You once thought if you scrubbed till you bled, a part of you would leave with the dirt.

You have cried, so many times, just because you were yourself.

I know you were in pain

I know you were hurting

But you have to listen to me, right now, when I say this is going to define major parts of you, this is going to make you strong, to build you even higher.

The emotion of sadness is just the effect of dormant happiness. The more this dormancy swells and aches only how hot the love boils underneath.

And you will soon understand that all your nights torn and gnarled by anxiety, swallowed by tiredness will be the comb and drum to the music box notes, giving you the sound sleeps you deserve. And an added gift, you will fall in love… and it doesn’t matter with who, you’re just going to. A boy will one day kiss your center forehead and a crimson fever, fiery blush will scarf you entirely. You’ll burn so bright your light will turn white, the color of sugar powered surrender.

And you will throw everything that makes you in that light, surrendering your true self to the world. And people going through the same struggles are going to see that light, and it will help guide themselves on their own path of self discovery.

I know the meaning hasn’t made itself crystal yet, and you probably won’t believe me, but you are going to make it…

You are beautiful…

I love you…