Dear mama

If I was the best thing that ever happened you
Then why do you say all these hurtful things to me?
Why do you make me feel like your life would have been better without me?
Like I’m a weight on your shoulders that you can’t get rid of
You could just tell me
I’d go
You make me feel insecure, unloved and underservant of all you do to me
You make me feel like I’m a hopeless case
You compare me to everyone around
You expect so much of me yet you don’t motivate me
You believe in me, I know.
But why not tell me?
Why not encourage me instead of dragging me down and stepping all over my hopes, dreams, and feelings
You want me to be smarter
Like her
Or more confident
Like him
But what if I don’t want to?
I can, but I don’t want to
And now you’re thinking, you’re happy in this pit of comfort, stupidity, and disorganization you have created for yourself
And yes, I am
Because I see it as more than just that
I see it as myself
See it as who I’m developing out of
Slowly, and at my own pace
I see beyond black and white
I see the rainbow of colors and possibilities
And I hope someday you see it too
I want you to look in the mirror and repeat all the hurtful thing you ever said to me
And listen to yourself
That’s how hurt I am
That heart you brought life to is broken
These lungs you created are wasted
Those writs made of your D.N.A are bloody
And its all because of that you said
That you can never take back
If you wanted to
You point out my obvious flaws that don’t need pointing out
I either try too hard or not enough
I either eat too much, or not enough
‘I either spend so much time alone, or so much time with my friends
Yet when I do spend time with you
When I do try
You make me feel like I’m unwanted
You make me feel like leaving is the best option
I suggest we read a book together, watch a movie, or play a card game
But all you want me to do is stay away
And when I do, you want me to get closer
But I’ve had enough
I’m not trying to satisfy anyone but myself
I’m not trying to satisfy you
Or him
Or her
It’s me, me, and me
Only