I’m disposable

D is for distance
Dodging darts in a dark forest
The further I run, the less danger I’m in
It’s lonely out here
I find myself dancing with death as I dash towards the shooter
Until I meet my demise
If a girl dies in the forest, and no one cares
Was she really alive?

I is for irrelevant
An individual’s impact on my impending doom
You say I matter
I say I’m in an imperfect world
That interrupts my happiness
It itches under my skin
Like an infection that no injection can fix
It’s intertwined with every inch of my brain
It’s mostly manageable
But sometimes it’s inevitable
I think this illness knows more than I do
Because it intervenes when I’m injured
And it knows when no one is there to stop the bleeding
So you say I’m important
I saw not when it’s important

S is for silence
That two-faced sinister son of a b****
One side is my sole comfort when the sun sets
It keeps me sane when my world is spinning
And nothing makes sense
I feel safe listening to its soothing sound
The other side is scary
It’s the perfect storm
It sneaks up on me when I’m standing still
My soldiers are unsteady
I’m defenseless
So my mind has surrendered and been seized
By the depressing thoughts inside of me

P is for pain
It’s a penalty for pointless pins that stab my brain
It’s psychological before physical
The primary source is physical
Prickly chills run through my body
I can feel it pushing up my fingers to my heart
And my heart promptly plummets into a pit
Every beat pounds in my stomach and echoes in my empty chest
Eventually, it punctures the pill I’ve used to protect my psyche
The psychological torture begins
My personality is waterboarded until the only thing present is punishment

O is for outsider
No order to my operations
I’m living in outer space
I’m the other star in the sky
The one your eyes overlook
Because it doesn’t give off much light
Ostracized by every constellation
Omitted from every galaxy
Overwhelmed by insecurities
Full of missed opportunities
Outshined by everyone around me
Everyone’s outgrown me
But it’s easy to observe me
Just no one cares enough to try to find me

S is for scared
Substituting sadness for fear
A steady stream of soliloquies stuns my body
Starting to suppress my subconscious
Their screams echo inside my skull
No one likes you
No one will ever love you
All these thoughts don’t feel like my own
But I can see the scars on my wrists
And I recognize the voice
So I stare at my reflection
Because if I can dissociate for a single second and step out of my shoes
Suddenly I won’t be walking through this haunted house alone

A is for ABLE
A is for attitude
After I’m disposed of
All I’m left with is my ability to attach the abstract pieces of my identity
B is for bruised
I’m a ball of broken brightness
But beneath my brittle shell
I am whole
L is for leaning
I’m a little lopsided
But I can stand on my own if I let others love me
E is for end
I’ve had enough