The rings of Saturn
Pristine to the outside viewer
Rocky and conflicting in my deeply distressed eyes

When my best friend tells she cried herself to sleep again last night
I make up some line of exuberant false positivity
As if I have not fallen into the trap myself

Don’t be sad
There is nothing wrong

But as I hide in the school bathroom during passing period
I am met face to face with my hypocrisy
Standing up and fixing my hair
I shout those same pleas for hope again and again

When the person I look up to most challenges my internal faith in faithful men
Somehow sets my world on fire with his dishonesty
I use those words as an extinguisher for my guilt and frustration

You can’t be sad when there is nothing wrong

Since it has been concealed, lied about and covered up
There is no reason to pretend all eyes are on me
As if my crooked smile is the subject of a shimmering spotlight
Like my eyes that crinkle are just folding over the tear stains with every laugh

When I meet opposition head on with a brick and a willful rage inside me
I bust out the window they created to protect what I can see but cannot have

You must be so happy with yourself
You seem so happy all of the time

I am, I tell myself

My bedroom door doesn’t lock, even if it could
I would always leave it cracked
For my mom to come in and tell me she “understands” one more time
For my dog to curl up next to me when I’m falling asleep once again

I will leave it unlocked for my heart on my sleeve to finally be held the way it should by someone who cares enough to walk in

I am the rings of Saturn
So horribly stuck in a sensational track of self deprecation
But aren’t I so pretty?
That is all you will remember of my orbit around your world