I. it's been a while since you laughed, not the way you do that seems to fool everyone but the way you did when it used to be her who made you hold your sides because you laughed so hard you fell over and she'd laughed with you too and both of you looked away when you saw a glimpse of the beauty that you couldn't have

II. You miss her. Not the girl standing in front of you, the girl you once knew, the one who knew you too. The one who cared and her smile was soft and she seemed so near, so real, so present. But you don't want her now, nor do you need her but she's crying that she still needs you

III. You can cry again. The tears that used to be stuck in your chest come up so much easier and sometimes they even reach your eyes and bubble up in the corners and tears run down your face in a final escape

IV. Your mother gives terrible advice. She tells you to be strong in a place where your bones must liquify to fit the corner, to fit the mold, just to live. Your choices are to bend or break and you
will be fluid instead, life-giving-water-soft and life-taking-water-hard

V. Your father cannot advise, but he can understand. He understands the desperate way you just want to love and be loved, the need to be human and even more because you do not feel human even when you clutch the sheets and pinch yourself at 3 am wondering who you are and he walks in on you and he holds you and tells you that you don't have to be the way you want to be now

VI. You don't have to be alright immediately either because some days you miss her so much your heart splits but those days are softening and they come much less often and now you are usually filled with a soft loneliness that soothes your abused heart but your mind screams that you're being forgotten, no, no, no but that's part of being okay

VII. You contain so much love that it is flowing out of you and you hate that she threw it away like some kind of joke but it's alright because your heart doesn't thump when you meet her eyes instead you see a sad, sad, sad, sad girl who hurts others to feel better and you are wise

VIII. your heart aches when you are alone, missing the ghost that hovered along with you and even when it hurt, you were never truely alone in this awful mechanical world and the awful memories of hurt come flooding back and you feel so small and unloved but at least you don't think of her anymore

IX. words are easy to use and they make people hate you, yes, but it doesn't quite match the feeling of being so powerful and in control

X.  no one in this world loves you and it's your fault but no one has to love you for you to be okay and healing