Alive

March 22, 2017
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My eyes are full of stone.

I tell a hackneyed story,
I know, but it's hacking
me
apart
I hold dust,
and night,
and nothing

I’m alive in my dreams;
I wonder when I wake:

If I can't hear myself breathe
do I live?
If voices drown out
the beat of my heart
will each artery
cease to be a part of me?
If I stop running
down these echoes of halls
will I fall?

My own arms are too weary to catch me,
but my weight is too much for another to bear
so I flee from the ledge and
from the light.
I sit in my castle of glass,
my back pressed to the idea of walls

and I catapult boulder after boulder
through my fragile fortress
until I am broken from within,
my jagged fragments refracting
fractals of my light and darkness
onto someone else's face,onto the face of my father
stamped on my banners, vandalism
of the soul.

I turn to face it
I erase it

the stain lingers still

I’m safe, but not really,
a victim, but only of
my mind

so, crumpled, I curl
in the circle of my shattered shield
holding back the world I have flattened
pounded into a silent, scarlet-streaked monster.

so, shaking, I curl
in a glass house
and throw stones.

It's okay
It's okay
I'm okay

I can hear it again,
above the sacred admonitions
I’ve ignored, above
the roar of the flames,
the song of the rain,
I hear it:

the sound of my breath
in
     out
in
     out

 

          in

I am alive
even when I open my eyes.

Once I was a ninja, a hero, an angel.
Once I was a liar, a sinner, a thief.
Once I was a child, and then something darker.
Once I was nothing, and then I was anything.

Once I dreamed of chess, of lemonade, of being abandoned with my sister and my ice cream.
I was six or seven.

Once I stood in icy waters
up past the edge of my bright red shorts
sand between my toes, freezing blades in my thighs
so cold it burned, until I felt nothing
I laughed as I fell back, and thought myself mad.
I was eleven.

Once I rode in a car like the ocean
and felt the music reverberate through every atom of the universe
and dissolved into the traffic lights’ reflection
on the slick pavement
and was free.
I was thirteen.

There is still the scent of the night and the taste of the storm.

I can break glass and stones and sky and soul,
but I will remain.

I am alive
eyes open,
hands open.
I can walk and I can wait.

Here she is, a girl of stone and glass.
She's silent but she's here.
She’s broken but she breathes.

I am alive.
I am alive.






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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Riah100 said...
Jun. 16 at 1:34 pm
WOW!!! Amazing detail. This is a beautiful piece of writing.
 
Kylana said...
Jun. 7 at 10:41 pm
Omg I love it. Just love it. Great piece Thank you for commenting on mine as well. Maybe we could collab sometime
 
beyondthesky This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 1 at 11:02 pm
wow...these descriptions are amazing...I feel like I'm on this journey of self awareness/understanding with you...(:
 
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