GIRL
It was a cold Friday night in September.
Football had started, and my blonde haired best friend and I attended a game.
She was crushing on a boy who hung out with us.
I stood there, quietly admiring the boys in jerseys on the field.
My blonde haired best friend’s crush kept glancing at me, trying to get my attention.
He was wearing jeans, and I prefer boys in khakis.
So I ignored him.

The game ended, our team lost, and they walked off the field feeling defeated.
Entering my blonde haired best friends car, her phone rang, and her crush was on the other line.
He asked us to meet him and his friend.
We agreed.
Though I prefer boys in khakis.

BOY
I’d been lonely lately.
A senior in high school, eighteen years old, and my longest relationship had been two months.
I liked a girl on my cross country team.
She was blonde,
nice,
  sweet,
   pretty.
But she had a beautiful, dark haired, rosy cheeks, best friend.
I think I prefer brunettes.

The blonde and brunette were at a football game one cold, September night.
Their hair was flowing in the autumn breeze, their shirts were buttoned up tight.
I kept trying to get the brunette’s attention with no luck.
She was being stubborn, and her eyes stayed glued to the players on the football field.
I asked the two of them to hang out with my friend and I in the park.
Seemed safe, and casual.
They said yes.

GIRL
It was our first real date after my blonde haired best friend gave me her blessing.
Just the two of us, running around a seacoast town late at night.
We stood on a dock and talked about our past.
I said that boys always hurt me.
He said that girls never like him for long.
He looked into my eyes, trying to promise me, without words, that he’d be different.
He kept trying to hold my hand, but I was too nervous to hold back.
I’m always too nervous to hold back.
But eventually I did.

BOY
I got out of work one night and asked her on a real date.
I took us to the seacoast.
Her mom was upset, but she came anyway.
She was wearing a Polo shirt, and jeans.
Her hair was up in a ponytail.
I liked her more every time I saw her.
Her freckles and dark hair compelled me.
She’s sweet, she’s funny, she’s shy.
We have fun together.
I want to make her mine.

GIRL
It was later into September.
He kissed me.
It was at a farm.
I told him we had to wait until we had the perfect place.
It was worth the wait.
He wore khakis that day.

I’d never had a boyfriend before.
It was new and exciting.
30 nights straight we’d seen each other, and I felt as though our souls intertwined more daily. 

I felt electricity when he touched me.
I giggled and ran away when he’d try to tickle me.
I came home smiling every day.
I left the house laughing every day.
Bliss.

BOY
One September afternoon.
She finally let me kiss her.
After weeks and weeks of my anxiety and anticipation.
We were leaning against my Cadillac after walking in the woods for a while.
She giggled, and her dark hair was blowing in the wind.

I thought about her all the time.
I always text her good morning.
And I saw her almost every night.
She was my favorite part of the day.

I liked tickling her.
I liked when she made fun of my jeans.
I liked when she laughed at my stupid jokes.
I loved walking with her.
I loved lying with her.
I loved watching movies with her.
I loved...her?
I was falling in love with her.

GIRL
He said he loved me.
While I was leaving the car one October night.
His voice was shaking, it took me off guard.
I shut the door right after, not absorbing what had happened, not saying anything back.
I said it back a couple days later when we were together.

Just because I didn’t say it back, doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it.
I just wasn’t sure how to admit something that large.
I
Love
  You.
Three, very powerful words, especially coming from a boy who wasn’t used to this.
I
Love
  You
   Too.
Four, very powerful words, especially coming from a girl who’d never had a boyfriend.

BOY
We were in love.
It was a new experience for me.
I think she blushed every time she said it.
Her rosy cheeks were so cute.

We’d spend long nights together.
Talking about the future, making plans.
Talking about the present.
Talking about the past.
My friends sometimes said I could do better, but I didn’t want better.
She was my best decision.

GIRL
We’d been together for a while.
Months were passing, not much was evolving.
We started staying in more than we went out.
We started getting busy.
We weren’t each other’s priority anymore.
Little things started to get annoying.

He was talking about college more than he was asking about my day.

He was not responding to texts more than usual, even when I knew he was home.

He was cancelling plans.

He wasn’t inviting me to hangout with his friends.

He was touching himself more than he was touching me.

BOY
Five months passed pretty fast.

I only had time to see her late nights after I get out of work.
She was usually almost asleep, so we didn’t have long to talk.
I think I started telling her mom more about my day in polite conversation than I told her.

I was tired of her commenting on my jeans.
I was tired of her insecurity about me going to college.
I was tired of her talking about other guys she goes to school with.
I was tired of her accusing me of looking at other girls.
I was tired of never doing anything together anymore.

It’s like we weren’t even dating.

GIRL
He broke up with me.
He chose a time when I was most vulnerable.
I was naked, fresh out of the shower.
He was wearing khakis.

I didn’t smile for a while.
I didn’t laugh for a while.

Everything reminded me of him.

The couch is where we broke up.
My bed is where we fell in love, and made it.
School is where I used to talk about about him.
The radio had songs we used to listen to.

He cut me out of his life.
He was done with me.

I wasn’t done with him.

BOY
I reached my breaking point.
I ripped apart our relationship and exposed its flaws.
I told her I thought I was better off alone.

What if I met another girl at school?
What if our relationship was never meant to be?
What if we aren’t the same people we were when we met?
What if she is the love of my life?

I wasn’t ready for that much commitment.

I knew I crushed her.
I felt sorry, but not sorry enough to go back.

What could I say?

GIRL
It’s been over a year since we ended things.
I’ve had two boyfriends since then, and one right now.

The boy with jeans, and I have seen each other a few times since everything happened.
Since we ended things,
we’ve shared stolen kisses,
hugs,
  touches,
   laughs.
We know it’s wrong, but we don’t really care.
I know he still loves me, even if it’s deep down.
Maybe I still love him too.
I sure think about him a lot more than I should.

Even today.

But we still aren’t ready.
And I need to learn to accept that we may never be.

BOY
My first year of college went well.
I met another girl.
She had light hair.
She was an athlete.
No one special.
We broke up after a few months of me anticipating it.

Occasionally I still talk to the brunette who was too nervous to touch me on our first date.
She’s still beautiful.
She’s still funny.
She’s still hurt from our break up.
But she has another lover.

Nothing I can do about it.
I don’t think there’s anything I want to do about it.

I told her I wanted time to myself, and I sure got it.

I should tell her I still care.
But I’m too scared.
I’ll just keep trying to move on, hoping one day we’ll just fall together.
I don’t want to fully let her go.