When I was a swimmer
My swim coach always yelled at me,
To hold my breath longer,
I told her I couldn’t.

I couldn’t because at this point
My body was able to come up for air,
I wasn't drowning or gasping.
And I wasn’t letting this opportunity to breathe go by.

But, I’ve always loved the water,
gliding beneath the surface,
pushing my body further and further,
As My lungs beg for air.
And I’d break the surface and breathe.
My only control over my body’s urge for oxygen

I sometimes wake up long before dawn and
Breathe and breathe in the hopes that tomorrow I can.
I absorb all of the air I can get.

There’s a jar on my nightstand,
Full of spares,
Donations.
Days where breathing came easy so I set a few aside.
Bold letters
Panic Attack, Break glass in case of emergency.

I blow bubbles on summer afternoons,
My breath a slow and short travel in soap.
Sparing me a few more.

I blow air on winter afternoons,
My breath a slow and short travel in fog,
Sparing me a few more.

Watching my breath fade through seasons,
The way my mind faded away.

The world keeps telling me to Just Breathe,
But I just can’t.

When It comes I know it.
It disorganizes my head.
Remembering everything I have done in this lifetime,

Everything I must do right now,
And everything I have yet to achieve.

Anxiety Mountain climbing up my throat,
Piercing holes with it’s pic.

I stop pacing.
I lay down and try and save all that’s left of me.
Hyperventilations bouncing my organs.
My tears filling up the pool that I’m drowning in.

I watch the way the ceiling patterns swirl,
The way the clock ticks,slowly clicks along.

Gasp, after Gasp after Gasp.

My heart beating out of it’s chest as It
My nose overflowing with blood like always, because
When even your heart knows it’s time to evacuate.
No tissues in reach,
Letting it drain on my palms.

.. I.. Cant.. Breathe.. I force the words to release between each gasp,
making it even harder to breathe.

My nails clawing the carpet,
Eyes squeezed shut.

Until it all stops.
Until my mind settles and tears slow down.
My body trembles until I fall asleep,
On the bloody carpet
All energy removed from my body.

I fall asleep hoping for a few more hours before it starts again.

Parties,
Tests,
Funerals,
Meetings,

The world is so breathtaking
but, please stop taking my breath away.