created in the panic of lust but comprised completely of love.
didn't know my capabilities until your face flashed from behind that blue curtain
not realizing that these last 10 months were the best gift from up above

carrying you heavily but angelically in my belly had me feigning the connection that you have given me again but,
this wasn't the right age they said.

I would have to,
flip bricks to build a house that they told me could be built from love alone a long time ago.
so,here I am tense on the bench in gym dreaming about my future kids and how,
their fragile bodies will be constructed through exquisitely
drawn out love.

and these will be the things I am forever sorry I couldn't gift to you.
I may tell you that I am sorry some days because,
no one but you could stop this eternal rain that caused me to hyperextend my guard of love.
he has created a heap of broken trust,
you will lay your hand on my pain stricken face and ask me "mommy are the tears a must?"

One day ,
you will be old enough to understand that my significant other isn't your father
but that he loves you more than the North Pole loves the South Pole
and you two will have a connection like how the pull of them keeps the earth anchored.

So I pray that he will be your stability on the days mommy is fragile and crying or staying in bed a little more often.

ive just been hoping you will never see, everything that I did.
like how I had a father but not really,
wiped me clean of the thought of consistency ,
im 17 now and still wondering why I wasn't good enough to always see you consistently.

Constantly,
reminding me that my mom wasn't the best for me and you'd raise me gladly.
but what about on the weekends when I wanted you,
no,
needed you badly. 

I will watch you both dance at daddy daughter dances and he will be the same man loading the gun on your first date.
you will ask me about your “real” dad and I will tell you to go to sleep because this is just fate.
There was no delay
in the way,
he dismissed you out of his life.

These are just the questions of the idle mind and we all know that's the devils playing around inside.
and I will not let him play with your mind
like the old keyboard collecting dust and like the imaginative part of your brain
because this will be the point in your life where that happens.

I will erase the question out of your mind because I will not know the answer yet. I'm not sure if im ready to express to you the moments,
his infectious smile inflicted the bones around my mouth to flash one with him
or about the endless dinner dates
or about the sudden called off relationship
or about how my eyes were always hungry with lust like a tiger spotting its prey whenever I was with your father
no, wait.
your sperm donor.
or about how some days i still miss him
or how i am still waiting on his name to tumble across my phone screen,
to tell me,
hes sorry about the abandonment

On these days I will sit up with you and teach you the power in poetry.
and how it glues back the hinges of your lost thoughts back to the wishing wells of your mind.
like the did for mine.

I started praying for your healing the day he left and never looked back.
you were 8 weeks gestation but already my whole world.
how could my cries be ignored.
you were nothing I ever expected but you are destined to be greater then I ever imagined.
don't think for a second you are not wanted.
don't you ever for a second think that you won't have a father.
you may not have the one that helped me created you of lust,
but you will no doubt have the one who has
comprised you of love.