I lie awake
thinking
of the things that could have been
the beauty I could have seen
the candy I could have refrained from eating
the book I could have spent more time reading
the perpetuating cycle I could have broken
the meaningful words I could have spoken
the time I looked down when I could have spoke up
the person I judged without knowing what’s up
the human impulse I could have resisted
the time I gave up when I could have persisted
the better me that could have existed

I lie awake
thinking
of the things that would have been
if I hadn’t decided to blend into the din
if I hadn’t gotten a text at that exact moment
and been unable to bear a second of postponement
if I had somehow been able to think straight
if I’d gotten over my instinct to hesitate
if I hadn’t been lost in speculation
if I hadn’t given in to my reputation
if only I’d had an ounce of foresight
if only I’d known the outcome would be worth my plight
if only I’d been sure of what’s wrong and what’s right

I lie awake
thinking
of the things that should have been
when I waited without the courage to begin
of all the times when I should have intervened
of all the chances I had to be redeemed
of the times I should have told someone something that I knew
of the stranger I passed who I should have said hi to
of the time I should have gone out on a limb
of the man on the street who asked for change I should have given him
of the factors I should have considered in every decision
and the words I should have yelled to anyone who’d listen
but instead I locked myself in my own prison

I fall asleep
promising myself
that tomorrow I’ll do better
that tomorrow I’ll try harder
that tomorrow I’ll be more aware
that tomorrow I’ll live my life
instead of looking at it from the outside
that tomorrow I’ll stop being a bystander
that tomorrow I’ll remember to be a better person…

But every day
I wake up
and forget.