she could tell she was broken
raw
utterly blue
just a whisper

she could tell from the way everyone
her English teacher
even her sister
closed their eyes
lids drooping as if to unsee her
the way they paused
heads cocked
lips pursed
when they talked to her
as if she was already in pieces

she could tell too many things were wrong
the cool trembling silence
a bubble around her
that would surely pop with the slightest nudge

and when it did
the whispers got to her first
what’s wrong with you?
i’m?
why can’t you feel better?
it’s not that simple?
you know, so many people have it worse than you?
*internal screaming*
at least you’re alive
yes.
yes, i am

then?
with the breaking of a wave
the whispers became much more
too much so
are you actually like depressed?
um… the specks of a retort stuck thick in her throat
swallowed once again
unsettling
in her gut
if you just tried, you could be happy
so she plastered on a smile as fake as happiness
and held it
until her cheeks were sore with the effort
until her smile became cracked
and with it, what little bits of hope she had left
until people asked her
is something wrong?
she paused
head cocked
lips quivering
the pounding waves of answering never pushed against
an extra heart lumped in her throat
really, are you okay?
the shards of pent-up answers
jagged and jaded
prickling underneath her skin

a breath
she swallowed
hard
the extra heart tumbling down down down
the tidal waves of denial receded
the pieces of a long lost answer shifted uncertainly
exhale, inhale

no.

no i’m not.