You know when you feel lonely
surrounded by people?
When the light hurts as much as the dark?

So sad you can't cry,
and you lie on your back to find peace in sleep
but all you can do
is rip and chew at your cheek?
With legs squirming
you let your body shake
because at least that brings
some relief.
Erratic breaths;
sharp nails digging into your palms.

You hate yourself
and not in the cliche masochistic adolescent sense,
but in the grown-up, more your own decisions way.
When even the comfort of your bed
can't comfort you?
You feel guilty for feeling this way -- so sorry for yourself.

And when you push
the only who truly loves you away
again
again
and again,
with the same mistakes, the same pleasures...
When you watch it happen right before your eyes,
ushering it forward.

When you binge drink to find happiness,
binge f*** to find a friend,
binge eat to entertain yourself,
binge self-inflict --
because somehow you believe
this will cancel out
the outer-inflictions.

You know when you feel no hope for the future, no struggle in the present, and no learning from the past?

Or maybe that's just me.