I haven't found a reason to live since I was 8 years old

The last night I smelled my dad's jacket (I swear he smelled like heaven)

Was the last night I truly felt love for anyone in my family

How is it possible that I don't remember his voice anymore?

I don't remember the way his eyes used to sparkle when picked me up from school after work

And

I don't remember how dull and lifeless they turned when he started to become life threateningly ill

I just remember they were like that, I can't imagine it in my head or anything like that

I don't fully remember his face unles I take a good look at an old picture

I don't remember how it felt like when we used to cudle on the couch for a few minutes before my bedtime because our family didn't have enough money to get enough beds in our apartment and I didn't want him to feel lonely at night

I just remember this all happened

I don't remember how I used to sit on top of his shoulders watching romantic comedies and braiding his silky, jet black hai

it's almost a decade later, and I still love romantic comedies

He used to refill my ink cartridges for my printer, using needles, when I ran out

I don't remember how he refilled them or how he taught me to do it, either

But I do know, when I turned 11, I stopped using those needles to put ink into those empy cartridges because when I thought about needles, I thought about the endless nights I held his hand in the hospital or doctors' office and him having all of those needles being stabbed into his skin

I swear his eyes used to sparkle like the galaxies we're forced to study in astronomy class

I forced myself to stop and forget how to braid hair because I missed how easily his hair twisted between my ingers and how his hair felt running through my hands

I stopped liking the smell of men's cologne after the last breath that I took of his scent during that final hug

I am now 17 years old, desperately searching for that reason to live

and I still can't remember.